Sunday, May 3, 2009

Mystery laser strikes Lisle

Lisle officials are puzzled by a laser that suddenly emerged from the Community Park Lake on Sunday, and then quickly disappeared.

"I'm stumped." Said Heather Simpson, Fortean advisor to the Lisle Village Board. "I've heard about many things, but nothing like this. It's almost like we had our own version of the Bermuda Triangle laser for a few seconds."

David Hicks, a Lisle resident, was feeding the ducks when he saw the laser. "Since the sign says don't feed the ducks, I thought I must have tripped off some kind anti-feeding defense system."

Seeing the three-foot diameter beam, acting police chief Chris Poholski placed the department on Code Red.

"At first there was mass panic." Said Poholski. "The onsite officers wanted me to activate the station's bunker mode. We've never done that before. Anyway, I was going to do that, but then I realized that the beam was coming from underground. If I sank the department underground, I could be leading our officers into a death trap."

The officers then suspected that Lisle was under a Reptoid attack. While there are three suspected underground bases in Lisle, Reptoids have never attempted to make contact the Lisle government.

For purely defensive reasons, Lisle has a network of subterranean microwave generators to repel a Reptoid attack. The generators can kill all underground life within Lisle's borders, down to mile deep.

"My officers begged me to trigger the generators," said Poholski. "But something seemed off. They're shape-shifters, and they don't need to use large laser beams. They'd infiltrate our village, reveal themselves, and then demand our surrender. This wasn't their style."

Poholski decided to wait until he received confirmation of an invasion from the village's seismographs. If this wasn't an attack, Poholski that triggering the device could kill hundreds of innocent Reptoids, and lead to an interstellar war."

"We're not Bolingbrook." Said Poholski. "We have no way of repelling an interstellar war fleet."

While Poholski waited, Officer Janet Fuller pulled a gun on Poholski. "I was scared. I have family here, and he wanted to wait. We needed to act now."

Poholski still refused to activate the device, even as Fuller released the safety on her gun. Just before she was going to pull the trigger, the seismic report showed no sign of an invasion.

"I almost lost my job, but thanks to our police union, I'm now assigned to patrolling the sewers exclusively. It stinks down there, but I'm glad I still have a job."

After six hours without another laser strike, divers investigated the lake. They found no physical evidence for the laser beam, let alone what could have caused the laser beam to appear in the first place.

"It's just like the Earth decided to fire a laser beam from Lisle." Said Simpson.

The Babbler spoke with anonymous sources at Fermi Lab. They believe the beam was part of their experiment to prove super symmetry. The sources say that it is possible for photons to transform into "hidden photons." These hidden photons can pass through the Earth, and then oscillate back into photons. This process, in theory, can be used to transmit messages from one side of the Earth to the other.

To test this theory, Fermi scientists placed a converted offshore rig in the Indian Ocean. On Sunday, they fired a special laser from the rig, and believed that it would hit a receiver at Fermi lab.

"It looks like we set the platform up in the wrong place, and the beam hit Lisle instead." Said a source. "Oops. At least no one was killed."

Another source tried to put a positive spin on the incident.

"Lisle will now become a tourist attraction for physicists around the world. Their park will now be known as the spot where super symmetry was proved."

The sources agreed that the first hidden photon message was "Insert profound statement here. LOL."

Also in The Babbler:

Bonnie: Accident did not give me the ability to walk on water
Naperville rejects anti-mater power plant
Claar: Orange Crush is Bolingbrook's official soft drink
Aliens to Nation of Islam: We will not invade Earth on your behalf
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/12/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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