Sunday, May 10, 2009

Drew Peterson's Lawyers file emergency motions in Extraterrestrial Court

By Reporter X

Drew Peterson's lawyers turned to an extraterrestrial judge this weekend to save their save their client from "Earthly injustice."

Assistant interns Donna Simmons and David King from Brodsky and Odeh petitioned the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit to help Drew Peterson get a fair trial. Something he cannot get on Earth, the lawyers argued.

"As a signatory to the Galactic Treaty of Justice, The United States is required to treat all potential abductees fairly under the law." Said King.

Their first motion called for the court to force Will County to seat a jury of Alpha Centurions to hear the Drew Peterson case.

"Like Earth, the majority of their citizens are unaware of FTL communications. Most of them will not hear about Drew Peterson until 2012." Said Simmons.

Will County's Special Advocate For Human Affairs Mark Lyons, objected.

"Alpha has a different set of legal values than Earth. Killing a female mate is a misdemeanor, while scratching a third sex is worthy of the death penalty. We can't expect them to give a just verdict in any case involving human laws."

After an exchange between the lawyers, in which King called Lyons a "speciest," the judge threatened to execute all of them. King apologized saying that "it's very hard defending a man like Drew Peterson, but I will go to any lengths to secure my career, I mean secure his freedom."

In an unusual move, King then filed a motion to subject Peterson to virtual torture.

"We are concerned that Drew Peterson is enjoying his stay in prison, and that he might confess to a crime that he didn't necessarily commit." When asked to clarify, King responded, "He likes his new clothes, the prison has better food than what he gets at home, and he think handcuffs make him look gangster."

Lyons did not object to the motion.

After the hearing, Simmons said that she feels confident. "This case is such a slam dunk that we let our client make a fool of—I mean allowed him to express his First Amendment rights in various public forums. The only way we could lose is if Stacy Peterson came back from the dead—I mean from seclusion and testified against Drew."

The judge is expected to make a ruling on Monday.

Also in The Babbler:

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Criminal: Gandhi made me do it!
Alien tourism drops 50 percent in Chicago
Lisle man flunks Turing Test.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/18/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Steve said...

Peterson just needs to stay right where he is.