Sunday, May 31, 2009

Fortunetellers: Will County is doomed!

The Will County Association of Pre-cogitation announced Friday that Will County faces certain disaster.

"We do not know what the disaster will be," Said Mistress Disa, "but today, fate has conspired to endanger Will County!"

Donna Moonfire said she had a sudden vision of Will County's demise. "This morning, I dreamed of red skies. Then I heard a siren, or maybe it was a scream. Then I woke up. "

Desiree Jones said she frantically tried to discern the cause, but she has been unsuccessful.

"There is too much negative energy coming from the county board." She said. "It's clouding my vision of what could be a very deadly future."

Disa urged local officials to take their warnings seriously.

"Maybe it's just a bad storm. Maybe it's a coming firestorm. Maybe the spirits have cursed Will County. Or maybe it's just a red sky. But why take the chance. Why risk the lives of thousands of innocent voters, when we are willing to work with the county board?"

Moonfire accused the board employing skeptics and people with "negative energy" to disrupt their readings.

"The board is obviously concerned about people with our talents spying on our meetings. We've sensed that they've hired anti-psychics to block our talents. Unfortunately, these individuals are also blocking our ability to see this impending disaster."

"I can't stand to watch board meeting on TV." Said Jones. "Why would I want to watch their meetings using my talents?"

"Again, we will work with the board," Said Disa, "But the board has to work with us, and we can only discuss our terms in private, so as not to unduly disturb the balance of energy in Will County."

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for the Will County Board replied, "I'm sorry that our new zoning requirements for fortunetellers are an inconvenience for some. But they should have known about this change long before the board ever thought of it. We will not be blackmailed by so-called threats from the future."

A spokesperson for the James Randi Educations Foundation denied that their organization is working with the board.

"If any of these psychics would like a million dollars, we'd be happy to test them."

Disa declined on behalf of her organization. "Will County is doomed, and they want to test us?"

Also in The Babbler:
Babbler offers condolences to Skepchick Elyse and her family
Claar: Public can speak at board meetings, but for only 10 seconds, and they must speak in rhyme. 
Aliens infiltrate Galena UFO believer golf outing.
Anti-psychic kitty turns 8.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Ghost of Mayor Bailey: Roger didn't kill me!

In an exclusive interview with The Babbler, the ghost of Bolingbrook Mayor Robert "Bob" Bailey denied that Mayor Roger Claar had in role in his death.

"Roger didn't kill me! I died from natural causes!" Exclaimed Bailey.

According to Bailey, he was resting in peace, when he heard someone try to summon him. After the thirteenth attempt, he decided to visit Bolingbrook, to see who was bothering him. He made his way to a dark room in a professional medium's home. Four people, and the medium were trying to summon him. Bailey said the conversation went like this:

Medium: I sense the presence of a man with a uniquely ethnic last name. It could be a woman with a low voice.

Man 1: Could it be Mayor Bailey?

Medium: Yes. Yes, I can hear him now. It is Mayor Bailey!

Bailey: I haven't said anything!

Man2: Ask him about Roger!

Medium: I'm sensing some kind of strong emotion. Did they know each other?

Man3: Yes, Roger succeeded him as mayor.

Man2: After he died in office.

Bailey: I didn't die in office!

Medium: The emotion is stronger now. He's trying to say something about his death. Do you know how he died?

Bailey: I died in Little Rock.

Woman: We're pretty sure Roger had something to do with it.

Bailey: He had nothing to do with it!

Medium: I'm sensing a rage. Maybe he was the victim of a great injustice, and he wants you four to bring justice to his restless soul!

Bailey: No I don't!

Man1: That's settles it. Roger killed Mayor Bailey in order to become mayor!

Bailey: No he didn't! The only injustice here is that you are about to pay this con artist!

Man2: We have to tell Bonnie!

Woman: Only she can bring Roger to justice!

Bailey: Are you guys deaf? Roger didn't kill me!

Bailey then went to The Babbler's offices, "because I know you guys have access to decent mediums! I'm sorry I called you guys a bunch of professional liars back in the 70s."

Bailey was mayor of Bolingbrook twice. First from 1977 to 1981. Then he served a second term from 1985 to 1986. He resigned after he was accused of mail fraud in 1986, and succeeded by Claar. Bailey was later acquitted of the charges

"Roger didn't like the way I ran things." Said Bailey. "I didn't like the way he wanted to run things. But we never hated each other. In fact, he said some nice things about me at my memorial service. Still, Roger should have stepped down after I was acquitted. Then I could have become mayor again."

Bailey also helped incorporate the village of Bolingbrook.

In a 1972 interview with The Babbler, he said, "Back then Naperville was responsible for Clow UFO Base. Then they started to get worried about the aliens. They said they had a reputation to uphold. I said they could keep their reputation. Just give us the land and the aliens."

Bailey says he doesn't follow Bolingbrook politics, but does visit the current village hall, which was constructed during his term, and now bears his name.

"I like how they've kept up the building. I really like the patio by Roger's office. I think that's new."

When called Mayor Claar to comment, he answered the phone by saying, "I have not signed a deal with Halliburton!" When this reporter said that wasn't the question, Claar replied, "We'll I haven't and that's all I'm saying!"

As Claar started to hang up the phone, this reporter heard a male voice saying, "Perhaps we can go to your new suite in Dubai and discuss our counter-offer."

"Now we're making progress!" Replied Claar.

When asked to comment, Bonnie Alicia, member of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, refused, stating that she "did not want to dignify The Babbler with a response."

Minutes later, a man called, claiming to be a member of CBB.

"Even the veil of death cannot conceal Roger's corruption!" He said. "We will go anywhere and ask any question to get to the truth. The battle lines have been drawn. You're either with us or you're against us. If you're against us, then you're with Roger. If you're with Roger, then you support pay for play. If you support pay for play, then you are evil!"

Also in The Babbler:

Exclusive interviews with Chicago's fallen veterans.  
Clow UFO Base to close for Memorial Day
Lisle's trees veto Meijer development plan.
Scientists warn of Lake Michigan Tsunami 

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Letters to the Editor: The $5 dollar challenge

Doug Fields here. Recently, we received this letter from a curious reader.

To The Babbler:

Why are you guys always going after the folks at The Skeptics Guide to the Universe? They live in New England, not Illinois. Why should care what they think about the supernatural?

In fact, what's the harm in their skepticism? When I was a kid, I still got presents from Santa, even though most of my friends stopped believing in him years ago. It was their loss!

So why should we care what The Novellas and their friends think?

Robin Grossman
Bolingbrook, IL

Good question. When I tell people that I work for The Babbler, some of them thank me. They thank me for showing them that there is more to Bolingbrook than strip malls. They take pride knowing that we are the home of the world's largest urban UFO base. They love to learn that our mayors are renowned all over the galaxy, and even revered as heroes in the next millennium. They love to discover the wonders that lie hidden within Bolingbrook. We bring so much happiness to Bolingbrook.

But those five New England skeptics want to destroy that. They want you to believe that Bolingbrook is nothing more then a bedroom community. That Clow Airport is really a taxpayer funded hanger for a bunch of private planes. That we have nothing to offer the world but strip malls, and a mayor with an over-funded campaign account.

They won't stop "debunking" until our readers are devoid of hope. If we let them destroy our civic pride, our schools will fail, home will go into foreclosure, teens will disobey their parents, and gangs will rule the streets. That's why the SGU is hardly harmless. They say their world is all there is and all we need. I say, have they been to RT 53 and Boughton lately?

In fact, I'm going to give them a challenge. I challenge them to "debunk" The Bolingbrook Babbler on their podcast. If they succeed, I will donate $5 to the New England Skeptical Society. It's that simple. That's more than they normally get paid to debunk anything.

Sadly, it's more likely we'll hear about Rebecca Watson's steak dinner with Jenny McCarthy before we hear them talk about The Babbler.

Sadly, we’ve been getting a lot of negative mail about Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea. Some of you have been commenting about her weight and her sense of fashion. Really folks, that is unacceptable.

In fact this letter, which the post office finally delivered to us, illustrates my point.

To The Babbler:

Have you seen Bonnie lately? She just finished a round of plastic surgery, and got a total makeover! She looks like a supermodel now!

Bonnie is too pretty to be our mayor. The other mayors will either be distracted by her, or won't take her seriously.

I'm going to vote for Roger Claar. He's a real person with his manly beer gut, and thinning hair. Let's keep it real with Roger!

Name withheld
Bolingbrook, IL

People will go after her no matter what she looks like. So to all you readers out there, let's stop talking about looks, and lets focus on the issues. Like will Roger cancel his automatic yearly pay raise, and will Bonnie ever release her list of the 140 villages that don't have a village property tax?

So keep on writing Bolingbrook, and I'll keep on editing you.

Also in The Babbler:

UFO pilots union threaten to blockade Clow
Bigfoot gangs terrorize Aurora
Time traveler pans Star Trek sequel
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Drew Peterson's Lawyers file emergency motions in Extraterrestrial Court

By Reporter X

Drew Peterson's lawyers turned to an extraterrestrial judge this weekend to save their save their client from "Earthly injustice."

Assistant interns Donna Simmons and David King from Brodsky and Odeh petitioned the Clow UFO Base Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit to help Drew Peterson get a fair trial. Something he cannot get on Earth, the lawyers argued.

"As a signatory to the Galactic Treaty of Justice, The United States is required to treat all potential abductees fairly under the law." Said King.

Their first motion called for the court to force Will County to seat a jury of Alpha Centurions to hear the Drew Peterson case.

"Like Earth, the majority of their citizens are unaware of FTL communications. Most of them will not hear about Drew Peterson until 2012." Said Simmons.

Will County's Special Advocate For Human Affairs Mark Lyons, objected.

"Alpha has a different set of legal values than Earth. Killing a female mate is a misdemeanor, while scratching a third sex is worthy of the death penalty. We can't expect them to give a just verdict in any case involving human laws."

After an exchange between the lawyers, in which King called Lyons a "speciest," the judge threatened to execute all of them. King apologized saying that "it's very hard defending a man like Drew Peterson, but I will go to any lengths to secure my career, I mean secure his freedom."

In an unusual move, King then filed a motion to subject Peterson to virtual torture.

"We are concerned that Drew Peterson is enjoying his stay in prison, and that he might confess to a crime that he didn't necessarily commit." When asked to clarify, King responded, "He likes his new clothes, the prison has better food than what he gets at home, and he think handcuffs make him look gangster."

Lyons did not object to the motion.

After the hearing, Simmons said that she feels confident. "This case is such a slam dunk that we let our client make a fool of—I mean allowed him to express his First Amendment rights in various public forums. The only way we could lose is if Stacy Peterson came back from the dead—I mean from seclusion and testified against Drew."

The judge is expected to make a ruling on Monday.

Also in The Babbler:

Elyse denies carrying Rebecca Watson's clone
Criminal: Gandhi made me do it!
Alien tourism drops 50 percent in Chicago
Lisle man flunks Turing Test.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/18/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Mystery laser strikes Lisle

Lisle officials are puzzled by a laser that suddenly emerged from the Community Park Lake on Sunday, and then quickly disappeared.

"I'm stumped." Said Heather Simpson, Fortean advisor to the Lisle Village Board. "I've heard about many things, but nothing like this. It's almost like we had our own version of the Bermuda Triangle laser for a few seconds."

David Hicks, a Lisle resident, was feeding the ducks when he saw the laser. "Since the sign says don't feed the ducks, I thought I must have tripped off some kind anti-feeding defense system."

Seeing the three-foot diameter beam, acting police chief Chris Poholski placed the department on Code Red.

"At first there was mass panic." Said Poholski. "The onsite officers wanted me to activate the station's bunker mode. We've never done that before. Anyway, I was going to do that, but then I realized that the beam was coming from underground. If I sank the department underground, I could be leading our officers into a death trap."

The officers then suspected that Lisle was under a Reptoid attack. While there are three suspected underground bases in Lisle, Reptoids have never attempted to make contact the Lisle government.

For purely defensive reasons, Lisle has a network of subterranean microwave generators to repel a Reptoid attack. The generators can kill all underground life within Lisle's borders, down to mile deep.

"My officers begged me to trigger the generators," said Poholski. "But something seemed off. They're shape-shifters, and they don't need to use large laser beams. They'd infiltrate our village, reveal themselves, and then demand our surrender. This wasn't their style."

Poholski decided to wait until he received confirmation of an invasion from the village's seismographs. If this wasn't an attack, Poholski that triggering the device could kill hundreds of innocent Reptoids, and lead to an interstellar war."

"We're not Bolingbrook." Said Poholski. "We have no way of repelling an interstellar war fleet."

While Poholski waited, Officer Janet Fuller pulled a gun on Poholski. "I was scared. I have family here, and he wanted to wait. We needed to act now."

Poholski still refused to activate the device, even as Fuller released the safety on her gun. Just before she was going to pull the trigger, the seismic report showed no sign of an invasion.

"I almost lost my job, but thanks to our police union, I'm now assigned to patrolling the sewers exclusively. It stinks down there, but I'm glad I still have a job."

After six hours without another laser strike, divers investigated the lake. They found no physical evidence for the laser beam, let alone what could have caused the laser beam to appear in the first place.

"It's just like the Earth decided to fire a laser beam from Lisle." Said Simpson.

The Babbler spoke with anonymous sources at Fermi Lab. They believe the beam was part of their experiment to prove super symmetry. The sources say that it is possible for photons to transform into "hidden photons." These hidden photons can pass through the Earth, and then oscillate back into photons. This process, in theory, can be used to transmit messages from one side of the Earth to the other.

To test this theory, Fermi scientists placed a converted offshore rig in the Indian Ocean. On Sunday, they fired a special laser from the rig, and believed that it would hit a receiver at Fermi lab.

"It looks like we set the platform up in the wrong place, and the beam hit Lisle instead." Said a source. "Oops. At least no one was killed."

Another source tried to put a positive spin on the incident.

"Lisle will now become a tourist attraction for physicists around the world. Their park will now be known as the spot where super symmetry was proved."

The sources agreed that the first hidden photon message was "Insert profound statement here. LOL."

Also in The Babbler:

Bonnie: Accident did not give me the ability to walk on water
Naperville rejects anti-mater power plant
Claar: Orange Crush is Bolingbrook's official soft drink
Aliens to Nation of Islam: We will not invade Earth on your behalf
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/12/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.