Sunday, April 5, 2009

Letters to the Editor: Decision 2009 Edition

Doug Fields here. The Bolingbrook Babbler has been flooded with letters about this Tuesday's election. This could be Bolingbrook's closest mayoral election since The Art Bell Party received 60 votes in 2001. Passions are running high on both sides.

Before we delve into the letter bag, I've been asked to announce that The Babbler will not endorse a candidate for mayor this year. The recent furor over videotape of Mayor Roger Claar android double raises serious questions. Bolingbrook is the home of the largest urban UFO base and home to several top secret government projects. It's is Claar's responsibility to secure both the safety of Bolingbrook, and to help the Men in Black keep the world safe from aliens. For an amateur rag to be able highjack a highly classified android and upload video of it to YouTube is proof that Claar commitment to security is lacking. Today's breach just resulted in an embarrassing video for Claar. Tomorrow's breach could cost Bolingbrook residents their lives!

This leaves Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea, the only official write-in candidate. She has repeatedly refused to answer our questions. So we do not know her stand on Clow UFO Base, or if she feels the Hidden Lakes monster is a threat to residents, or how she will protect Bolingbrook residents from Soviet mind-control satellites. All we know is that in a few years she won't be able to pay Bolingbrook's property taxes. While she might be able to fix Bolingbrook's tax problems, her refusal to address the important questions means that cannot endorse her.

So the choice is up to our readers. We'll start with the best letter for re-electing Claar.

To The Babbler:

Bolingbrook was nothing before Mayor Roger Claar. We couldn't even shop for our own food. Roger single handedly turned our community into a shopping haven. Now that we're going through some hard times, some people want to quit on him.

Well I won't quit him for someone with ties to CEOs, and over-educated academia. Bill Ayers is an academic too. Do you want to elect someone like Bill Ayers as mayor?

Vote for Roger! At least Roger can sign his name the same way twice!

Tim Anders
Bolingbrook, IL

And here's the best letter for Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea:

To The Babbler:

Roger Claar is evil! He's raising our taxes! If we try to complain he shuts us down. I'll bet he's friends with Drew Peterson! He voted for Sarah Palin! Stop Roger now before he builds another golf course with our money!

Name withheld by request

We also came across some suspicious pieces of e-mail. Here's the first one:

To The Babbler:

Due to the unprecedented demand for write-in ballets, The Will County Clerk has extended the election an extra day. Everyone voting for Roger will vote on Tuesday. Voters who oppose Roger will vote on Wednesday.

Please make sure your readers are aware of this.

No name.

Yes, we will make our readers aware of attempted voter fraud. There is only one Election Day and that is Tuesday. Don't be fooled by anyone who says differently. I'm only glad to say that none of our elected officials were behind this letter.

Hopefully they weren't behind this letter also. At first it seemed like a pretty reasonable letter, until the last sentence.

"That's why I'm writing in Connie Gaul-Rodriguez, and you should too."

Only if you want your ballet thrown out. If you are going to vote for Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea, write her name correctly. Bring a note if you have to. If you can't remember, just try to be as close as possible. Unless you want lawyers arguing over whom you meant to vote for.

So don't forget to vote on Tuesday. The eyes of the Milky Way Galaxy will be upon you, so don't make your choice lightly.

Also in The Babbler:

Blago files for political asylum on Mars
Lisle board considers Space Elevator
Werecats demand voting rights in Romeoville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/8/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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