Sunday, April 12, 2009

Group vows to end marriage in Naperville

A new group, Citizens Against Marriage, announced their intention to ban all marriages in Naperville.

"Marriage is an all or nothing proposition." Said Dr. John Schillington, PhD. "Since we give heterosexual couples the right to marriage, we're going to have to give gays the right to marry. Then after we give gays the right to marry, we'll have to give inter-species couples the right to marry. The next thing you'll know, everyone is married to everything, and our society collapses. So we've got to end marriage now before it ends us!"

Reverend Don Smith of Naperville's 33nd Church of Christ added that churches have placed too much emphasis on marriage.

"Paul clearly stated that it is better to marry than to burn." Smith said. "That's like saying that it is better to have sex with a condom than to have unprotected sex. It is the lesser of two evils! I say cast out evil and choose the best option: Total abstinence!"

According to CAM, since Christian marriage began nearly 2000 years ago, the number of wars, murders, prostitution, and atheists has skyrocketed. Unless there is a change, Schillington expects things to get worse.

"I don't think it's a coincidence that Italy was struck by a major earthquake after the Pope defended marriage." Said Schillington.

"It's worse than that." Said Smith. "When Christ ascended to Heaven, we were on the verge of Armageddon. Then the Catholic Church got into the marriage business. That offended God so much that He decided to delay the second coming of Christ. How many souls were lost because the Catholic Church wanted to make a few bucks off of people's lust?"

CAM plans on using the hysteria surrounding Gay Marriage to convince the Naperville city council to ban marriage.

"We'll write the ordinance for them." Explained Schillington. "Then we'll tell them that if they don't pass this ordinance un-amended, we'll tell everyone that they refused to ban gay marriage. They'll fold like a house of cards."

Naperville Mayor George Pradel laughed when he heard of CAM's plan.

"There are more married voters in Naperville than there are celibate people." Said Pradel. "I know who re-elects me year after year. Besides, we have a reputation to uphold as the best place for families to live. That's how we're able to get away with our high tax rates. You think I'm going to give that up?"

Smith thinks he can change Pradel's mind. "I'll just play 'What if I'm right' with the mayor. When he agrees with me that Christ requires the marriage ban, he'll back down."

Also in The Babbler:

Trolling for Roger group attacks 'Anti-Bolingbrook ' sites
Space Pirates captured at Clow UFO Base
Gay aliens celebrate Honeymoon in Chicago
Elgin Republican calls for the spooning of Obama
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/22/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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