Monday, April 20, 2009

Britain plotting downfall of United States!

A Babbler Exclusive

Don, not his real name, like most members of the Romeoville For Ron Paul Meetup group, attended his local Tea Party protest on April 15. Like most of the protestors, he was handed a sign. Unlike the other protestors, he noticed something.

"I was holding a sign that said 'No representation without taxation.'" Said Don. "Then I saw another sign that read, 'Abolish Taxes!' I realized that something was very wrong. If we abolish taxes, then we'd take away our right to vote. What was going on? Who made these signs?"

Don did some more research in to the Tea Bag protests. According to Don, they were organized by FreedomWorks and Americans for Prosperity; groups are well known for being top down organizations. He also noticed that Fox News was heavily promoting the events.

"Fox is owned by a British company. That got me thinking."

When he heard Fox personality Glenn Beck call for succession, he came to a stunning realization.

"Britain is trying to bring down America. I was part of an anti-American protest and I didn't know it!"

When he posted his findings on Free Republic, he was promptly banned from the site.

"They're so obsessed with Obama's religion that they can't see another serious threat to our country!"

When The Babbler contacted the British Consulate, a man, who asked not to be identified, confirmed that there is a plot to bring down the United States.

"You dumped our precious tea into your harbor, and then stole 13 of our colonies. That made us pissed!" Said the source. "Then we found out that they were the best colonies in North America. Canada was such a disappointment! So we've been plotting our revenge ever since."

The source added, "we've gotten better a disrupting our former colonies since you god awful yanks gained independence. India and Pakistan are our greatest success stories. They could be a super power, but thank to our work, their citizens are too busy trying to kill each other! But we're saving the best for the United States!"

According to the source, the Tory party plans to use their influence with the radical right to stir up hatred towards the federal government. Eventually, small militias will take up arms, and start shooting at people they don't like. Those people will fire back, and then country degenerates into civil war. During the violence, the British government, with support from NATO, will "secure" the US's nuclear weapons."

"When the violence settles down, we'll give the upper Midwest to Canada, and take New England. California will become it's own nation, and the rest will become a collection of third world nations. Oh but don't worry. We won't tax them without representation. If they want to voice in Parliament, they'll have to pay taxes. The more taxes they pay us, the more votes we'll give them. Then we will have turned your silly tea party against you! The sun will never set on the British Empire again! We will be pleased!"

When The Babbler called Fox News, a spokesperson laughed at the charges.

"Newscorp was an Australian corporation before we re-incorporated in Delaware. We—"

In the background, we could hear someone, who sounded like Glenn Beck, say, "Obama, I have doused these kittens in gasoline. Resign now or I will torch the cute kitties. Why won't you surrender? Why won't you? They're so cute! And you're going to make me burn them!"

The spokesperson then said. "Glenn no! Um, I got to run, but um, 9/11, Muslims, terrorism, socialism, and if you have a critical reply, George Soros! Glenn, stop!"

"Am I the only person who loves the kitties?" Said the man who sounded like Glenn Beck.

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler staff falls into time warps, and ends up in 4/20/09
Aliens concerned about Stephen Hawkins.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/27/09
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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