Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Revolt Against Roger Web Special Report

Men in Black slam Bolingbrook Budget

XZ1, accountant for the Men in Black Project, accused the Bolingbrook Village Board of incompetence after reviewing their $90 million dollar budget.

Unnamed sources say that the Bolingbrook Budget submitted by Mayor Claar and the Board did not even try to hide the expenses for Clow UFO Base, and included an unauthorized 20 percent increase in the alien abduction tax.

"Why didn't you just go to the top of the Sears Tower and scream 'Bolingbrook has a UFO base?'" XZ1 is alleged to have said.

The board countered that no one had bothered to read the budget in 20 years. In fact, they were surprised when Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook asked to see the budget.

"That's why you hide the expenses in the line items." Countered XZ1. "Former Ed Rosenthal managed to disguise a ground to space laser system expense as wallpaper for his bathroom. You guys could learn a lot from him!"

The Village Board the budget at the 4/28/09 meeting without releasing the full details. Claar promised to have a cleared version of the budget at his home. Any who wants to see the budget will be escorted by the Men in Blue to Claar's home.

XZ1 also approved the increase in the abduction tax.

Bolingbrook Board declares war on outdoor dust

The Bolingbrook Village Board passed an ordinance at the 4/28/09 meeting that some say is a declaration of war against outdoors dust.

"Roger is really adamant about this." Said Steve, a source close to Mayor Roger Claar. "He said, 'Steve, we're in a recession. That's means more dust on things. Now I don't give a damn about indoor dust right now, but outdoor dust looks bad. It makes the village look bad, and it makes me look bad. If there's too much dust, that stupid web site will post pictures of it, and then people will vote me out of office. Then Bolingbrook will really suffer! So we must stop dust before it destroys Bolingbrook!'"

Claar did not speak with the Babbler about this ordinance, but during the meeting, he explained that the ordinance is designed to create more green space, and prevent blockage of rain runoff. The village attorney added that all current homes are exempt.

Roger Claar Party declares Bonnie Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea the 'Anti-Roger'

Before the 4/28/09 Bolingbrook Village Board Meeting, The Roger Claar Party declared former mayoral candidate Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea "The Anti-Roger."

"Just as Jesus is opposed by the Anti-Christ, Mayor Roger Claar is opposed by the Anti-Roger." Said David Nelson, founder of the party. "Bonnie seeks to destroy all that Roger has built. Also, do we really know how she survived her car crash? Was it a miracle, or was it something else?"

Nelson urged all Bolingbrook residents to pray for Claar and to donate to his campaign fund.

"God provides strength in the struggle against darkness, but He doesn't provide cash. Are you willing to provide a few dollars to help Roger fight the darkness that is Bonnie?"

Claar is not a member of The Roger Claar party, and has worked to keep them off the ballot.

After the board meeting, Kurowski-Alicea refused to comment, saying that, "I have serious work to do for the people of Bolingbrook."

Then a man holding a smart phone walked up to this reporter. He faced the departing audience and said. "Yes, Bonnie has serious work to do for the people of Bolingbrook. We have serious work to do for Bolingbrook. You're either for us or you're against---" The man then looked down at his screen, and pushed some buttons. He looked up and said, "us. If you're against us, then you're with Roger. If you're with Roger, then you support corruption. If you support corruption, then you are EVIL!"

Trolling For Roger prepares to attack anti-Roger web sites

A group of Internet users say they are prepared to post mean and incendiary posts on web sites they deem "anti-Roger."

"We are ready to attack the strongholds of cowards who attack Roger Claar." Said General Bush, a former member of the 101st Keyboard Brigade. "This is civil war, and we are prepared to fight.

According to Bush, among the sites they plan on "trolling" include Chicago Magazine, The Sun-Times, and Fox News. These sites, they say, only print bad news about Roger.

For the site Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, the group plans a special attack.

"First we're going to concern troll them for weeks. We'll even throw in some good advice, just to confuse them. Then we'll hit them with the really hard flames. Most of the members will be so confused and hurt that they’ll shut up."

Bush says once they get the signal from Claar, they will launch the attack.

When asked after the 4/28/09 board meeting about the group, Claar replied, "Trolling? I have never played Dungeons and Dragons, nor have I asked others to play D and D on my behalf, since I moved to Bolingbrook."

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Ten arrested after a brawl at a Lombard skeptics meeting

What started as a simple debate at a skeptic's brunch quickly escalated into a brawl.

According to eyewitnesses, an unidentified man angrily denounced a photo allegedly showing skeptic Rebecca Watson with her boyfriend.

"I was just enjoying brunch with my skeptic friends." Said Paul from Bolingbrook. "We were in the middle of debunking Bigfoot, when this guy stood up and said that he denied the existence of Rebecca's boyfriend. Dude, I just wanted to debunk Bigfoot while eating pancakes."

The man claimed that an alleged picture of the couple is a fake. He said the camera was held at an impossible angle. Additionally, the area where their faces allegedly touched was not sufficiently indented. Plus the picture was taken in New York, even though Watson lives in Boston. To him, it added up to proof that the photo was a fake.

"I told him that he sounded like a 9/11 Truther." Said Dale from Westmont. "He just kept repeating the same allegations. It was like arguing with a machine."

When a skeptic pointed that her boyfriend appeared on The Skeptics Guide to the Universe podcast, the man countered that it was really just Watson's digitally altered voice.

At that point, David Tompkinson, from Aurora, stood up and said, "Even if Rebecca is single, she still won't go out with you! You're too old for her!" The man lunged at Tompkinson and the place erupted into a brawl.

The police eventually arrived to break up the brawl. Ten were arrested, including the man who started it. All were eventually released on bond.

"The meetings are usually pretty peaceful." Said Dale. "But I guess this guy was really out of it. He must have been one of those guys that propose to Rebecca whenever she makes a public appearance."

When asked to comment, Jay Novella, a Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelist, replied "No I will not comment, and no we will not feature The Bolingbrook Babbler in one of our podcasts!"

(Note: The Babbler was asked to remove the picture of Rebecca and her alleged boyfriend.)

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Clow UFO base quarantined

Officials insist Bolingbrook is safe

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base is under lockdown after three visitors came down with Europa Flu.

"This is purely a precautionary measure." Said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Clow. "Clow has the finest medical facilities among all UFO bases. We do not expect too many cases of terminal living when this is over with."

Officials, who spoke privately with this reporter, expressed concerns about this strain of Europa Flu. This flu, one of the deadliest strains in the solar system, has a 99 percent fatality rate. The strain detected at Clow also contains DNA from the Mars Flu and the Proxima Centauri Plague.

"Europa Flu is bad enough, but what we detected is a super-bug." Said an anonymous official. "No creature in the universe has immunity. It could wipe out all life on Earth if it gets out. Heck, if it gets into the main population, it could wipe out galactic civilization."

Despite the severity of the situation, people inside Clow describe the situation as calm.

"We've been told that Clow has enough food and water to last for 1 Earth year." Said Glop Xe of the Tau Ceti Alliance. "Right now we just have to fight boredom. Some of the Barnard visitors tried to eat each other, but that's normal them."

John Elliot, a human technician, says he misses his family. "But at the same time, I don't want to put them at risk by visiting them. And I don't want to put the world at risk by taking them on a cross-country trip. Hey, I've read The Stand. Anyway, as long as I can stay in touch with my family over Twitter, things should be fine. Hopefully no one will die."

Village officials insist that the village is safe, but are considering evacuation plans.

"If it looks like we may need to evacuate Bolingbrook, Roger might announce that he's doubling the property tax." Said an anonymous official. "No one will doubt his reasons for wanting a tax increase, and it would definitely clear out Bolingbrook."

Astrobiologists who spoke to The Babbler believe that if the virus doesn't escape Clow, it should die out after a week.

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar angrily replied, "Of course there's no problem. Would I be drinking the hard stuff right now if my village was on the verge of extinction?"

Also in The Babbler:

Witch clams credit for Bulls win
Anti-psychic kitty starts blog
Venus Ambassador demands apology from Elyse
Chicago police test Virtual Reality "Enhanced Interrogation" interface

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Britain plotting downfall of United States!

A Babbler Exclusive

Don, not his real name, like most members of the Romeoville For Ron Paul Meetup group, attended his local Tea Party protest on April 15. Like most of the protestors, he was handed a sign. Unlike the other protestors, he noticed something.

"I was holding a sign that said 'No representation without taxation.'" Said Don. "Then I saw another sign that read, 'Abolish Taxes!' I realized that something was very wrong. If we abolish taxes, then we'd take away our right to vote. What was going on? Who made these signs?"

Don did some more research in to the Tea Bag protests. According to Don, they were organized by FreedomWorks and Americans for Prosperity; groups are well known for being top down organizations. He also noticed that Fox News was heavily promoting the events.

"Fox is owned by a British company. That got me thinking."

When he heard Fox personality Glenn Beck call for succession, he came to a stunning realization.

"Britain is trying to bring down America. I was part of an anti-American protest and I didn't know it!"

When he posted his findings on Free Republic, he was promptly banned from the site.

"They're so obsessed with Obama's religion that they can't see another serious threat to our country!"

When The Babbler contacted the British Consulate, a man, who asked not to be identified, confirmed that there is a plot to bring down the United States.

"You dumped our precious tea into your harbor, and then stole 13 of our colonies. That made us pissed!" Said the source. "Then we found out that they were the best colonies in North America. Canada was such a disappointment! So we've been plotting our revenge ever since."

The source added, "we've gotten better a disrupting our former colonies since you god awful yanks gained independence. India and Pakistan are our greatest success stories. They could be a super power, but thank to our work, their citizens are too busy trying to kill each other! But we're saving the best for the United States!"

According to the source, the Tory party plans to use their influence with the radical right to stir up hatred towards the federal government. Eventually, small militias will take up arms, and start shooting at people they don't like. Those people will fire back, and then country degenerates into civil war. During the violence, the British government, with support from NATO, will "secure" the US's nuclear weapons."

"When the violence settles down, we'll give the upper Midwest to Canada, and take New England. California will become it's own nation, and the rest will become a collection of third world nations. Oh but don't worry. We won't tax them without representation. If they want to voice in Parliament, they'll have to pay taxes. The more taxes they pay us, the more votes we'll give them. Then we will have turned your silly tea party against you! The sun will never set on the British Empire again! We will be pleased!"

When The Babbler called Fox News, a spokesperson laughed at the charges.

"Newscorp was an Australian corporation before we re-incorporated in Delaware. We—"

In the background, we could hear someone, who sounded like Glenn Beck, say, "Obama, I have doused these kittens in gasoline. Resign now or I will torch the cute kitties. Why won't you surrender? Why won't you? They're so cute! And you're going to make me burn them!"

The spokesperson then said. "Glenn no! Um, I got to run, but um, 9/11, Muslims, terrorism, socialism, and if you have a critical reply, George Soros! Glenn, stop!"

"Am I the only person who loves the kitties?" Said the man who sounded like Glenn Beck.

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler staff falls into time warps, and ends up in 4/20/09
Aliens concerned about Stephen Hawkins.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/27/09
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Group vows to end marriage in Naperville

A new group, Citizens Against Marriage, announced their intention to ban all marriages in Naperville.

"Marriage is an all or nothing proposition." Said Dr. John Schillington, PhD. "Since we give heterosexual couples the right to marriage, we're going to have to give gays the right to marry. Then after we give gays the right to marry, we'll have to give inter-species couples the right to marry. The next thing you'll know, everyone is married to everything, and our society collapses. So we've got to end marriage now before it ends us!"

Reverend Don Smith of Naperville's 33nd Church of Christ added that churches have placed too much emphasis on marriage.

"Paul clearly stated that it is better to marry than to burn." Smith said. "That's like saying that it is better to have sex with a condom than to have unprotected sex. It is the lesser of two evils! I say cast out evil and choose the best option: Total abstinence!"

According to CAM, since Christian marriage began nearly 2000 years ago, the number of wars, murders, prostitution, and atheists has skyrocketed. Unless there is a change, Schillington expects things to get worse.

"I don't think it's a coincidence that Italy was struck by a major earthquake after the Pope defended marriage." Said Schillington.

"It's worse than that." Said Smith. "When Christ ascended to Heaven, we were on the verge of Armageddon. Then the Catholic Church got into the marriage business. That offended God so much that He decided to delay the second coming of Christ. How many souls were lost because the Catholic Church wanted to make a few bucks off of people's lust?"

CAM plans on using the hysteria surrounding Gay Marriage to convince the Naperville city council to ban marriage.

"We'll write the ordinance for them." Explained Schillington. "Then we'll tell them that if they don't pass this ordinance un-amended, we'll tell everyone that they refused to ban gay marriage. They'll fold like a house of cards."

Naperville Mayor George Pradel laughed when he heard of CAM's plan.

"There are more married voters in Naperville than there are celibate people." Said Pradel. "I know who re-elects me year after year. Besides, we have a reputation to uphold as the best place for families to live. That's how we're able to get away with our high tax rates. You think I'm going to give that up?"

Smith thinks he can change Pradel's mind. "I'll just play 'What if I'm right' with the mayor. When he agrees with me that Christ requires the marriage ban, he'll back down."

Also in The Babbler:

Trolling for Roger group attacks 'Anti-Bolingbrook ' sites
Space Pirates captured at Clow UFO Base
Gay aliens celebrate Honeymoon in Chicago
Elgin Republican calls for the spooning of Obama
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/22/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Letters to the Editor: Decision 2009 Edition

Doug Fields here. The Bolingbrook Babbler has been flooded with letters about this Tuesday's election. This could be Bolingbrook's closest mayoral election since The Art Bell Party received 60 votes in 2001. Passions are running high on both sides.

Before we delve into the letter bag, I've been asked to announce that The Babbler will not endorse a candidate for mayor this year. The recent furor over videotape of Mayor Roger Claar android double raises serious questions. Bolingbrook is the home of the largest urban UFO base and home to several top secret government projects. It's is Claar's responsibility to secure both the safety of Bolingbrook, and to help the Men in Black keep the world safe from aliens. For an amateur rag to be able highjack a highly classified android and upload video of it to YouTube is proof that Claar commitment to security is lacking. Today's breach just resulted in an embarrassing video for Claar. Tomorrow's breach could cost Bolingbrook residents their lives!

This leaves Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea, the only official write-in candidate. She has repeatedly refused to answer our questions. So we do not know her stand on Clow UFO Base, or if she feels the Hidden Lakes monster is a threat to residents, or how she will protect Bolingbrook residents from Soviet mind-control satellites. All we know is that in a few years she won't be able to pay Bolingbrook's property taxes. While she might be able to fix Bolingbrook's tax problems, her refusal to address the important questions means that cannot endorse her.

So the choice is up to our readers. We'll start with the best letter for re-electing Claar.

To The Babbler:

Bolingbrook was nothing before Mayor Roger Claar. We couldn't even shop for our own food. Roger single handedly turned our community into a shopping haven. Now that we're going through some hard times, some people want to quit on him.

Well I won't quit him for someone with ties to CEOs, and over-educated academia. Bill Ayers is an academic too. Do you want to elect someone like Bill Ayers as mayor?

Vote for Roger! At least Roger can sign his name the same way twice!

Tim Anders
Bolingbrook, IL

And here's the best letter for Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea:

To The Babbler:

Roger Claar is evil! He's raising our taxes! If we try to complain he shuts us down. I'll bet he's friends with Drew Peterson! He voted for Sarah Palin! Stop Roger now before he builds another golf course with our money!

Name withheld by request

We also came across some suspicious pieces of e-mail. Here's the first one:

To The Babbler:

Due to the unprecedented demand for write-in ballets, The Will County Clerk has extended the election an extra day. Everyone voting for Roger will vote on Tuesday. Voters who oppose Roger will vote on Wednesday.

Please make sure your readers are aware of this.

No name.

Yes, we will make our readers aware of attempted voter fraud. There is only one Election Day and that is Tuesday. Don't be fooled by anyone who says differently. I'm only glad to say that none of our elected officials were behind this letter.

Hopefully they weren't behind this letter also. At first it seemed like a pretty reasonable letter, until the last sentence.

"That's why I'm writing in Connie Gaul-Rodriguez, and you should too."

Only if you want your ballet thrown out. If you are going to vote for Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea, write her name correctly. Bring a note if you have to. If you can't remember, just try to be as close as possible. Unless you want lawyers arguing over whom you meant to vote for.

So don't forget to vote on Tuesday. The eyes of the Milky Way Galaxy will be upon you, so don't make your choice lightly.

Also in The Babbler:

Blago files for political asylum on Mars
Lisle board considers Space Elevator
Werecats demand voting rights in Romeoville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/8/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.