Sunday, March 22, 2009

Claar: The Weekly Reporter filmed an android, not me!

According to sources, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar claims that a video of him allegedly driving drunk is actually an android double.

"A man in my position sometimes needs a double, due to the security risks inherent with my job." Said Claar , according to source. "Since I have close personal contact with the residents of Bolingbrook, I can't use a human double. So I use androids."

Members of the Bolingbrook Police Department, who asked not to be identified, say the Roger Claar androids are powered by alcohol.

"I've seen the video." Said an anonymous police source. "It looks like an android trying to supply itself with enough fuel to run for seven hours."

The sources also said that alcohol has no affect on an android's driving ability.
Advisors to Claar, who asked not to be named, suspect that the staff of The Weekly Reporter borrowed a Claar android, took one of the mayor's car while he was away, staged the video, and then secretly returned the android.

"The Weekly Reporter has put us in a very bad situation." Said an anonymous advisor. "We can't reveal the existence of the androids, because they're based on classified US government designs. That would give President Obama an excuse to arrest the mayor, and we can't have that."

The advisor said that the plan is tell reporters that the video is obviously edited, and then let the reporters reach their own conclusions.

"But we don't expect too many reporters to look into this. They're too busy following Drew Peterson."

When asked for comment, Claar replied, "This is smear attempt by people who are jealous because they are not qualified to run for mayor of Bolingbrook. If you cannot sign your name exactly the same way twice, then you are not qualified to run for office in Will County!"

The Babbler could not reach the staff of The Weekly Reporter for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Cook County conservative laughed at after calling for the tea-bagging of Chicago
Stimulus package allows employment of space aliens in Illinois
Illini blame loss on psychics

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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