By Reporter X
The Jewel-Osco at 126 W. Boughton, a long popular hangout for Bolingbrook's space aliens, will close on April 4th.
"This is truly sad news." Said Xgoup, ambassador from M61. "In the old days, it was considered a rite of passage to leave Clow UFO base, and buy exotic foods at Jewel, like salsa. Now our podlings will never experience the thrill of driving down Boughton, and hoping that none of the humans see through your disguise."
Naloga Koboo, captain of an interstellar blockade-runner, also expressed his sadness.
"The stores close to Clow are too crowded with space travelers. I like going to the RT 53 Jewel because after months of running from imperial fighters, there's nothing more relaxing than` to refuel my ship with milk, and hang out with the employees. You could learn a lot about humanity from them."
Dokgak, a "metal collector" will also miss the Jewel.
"Whenever I needed precious metals, I would dress up as a Bolingbrook High School cheerleader, and hold out a jar. The kind customers would give me money. There were a few creeps who would try to look up my skirt, but the coins were worth the awkwardness. Anyway, I would give the paper money to the real cheerleaders, and sell the coins on my home world. Even with the tariffs, I still made a fortune."
Some aliens have offered to abduct the former employees so they won't face unemployment on Earth. So far, none have accepted the aliens' offer.
In other Bolingbrook in Crisis News:
- A source close to Roger Claar says that former Jewel store will be converted into a Homeopathic Overdose Clinic. According to "Steve," Mayor Roger Claar said, "Steve, even with my great authority, I could not save this store. But I can save residents from taking too many glasses of energized water." Steve also said homeopathic overdoses have increased 1000% since James Randi swallowed an entire bottle of homeopathic sleeping pills. When asked to comment, Mayor Claar grumbled about having to drive further for groceries, and then hung up.
- Donald Huntington, founder of Bolingbrook's Zero Tax party, called the Bolingbrook Fire Department a waste of taxpayer money. "Can you believe that we have a so-called fire department that spends its time putting water on fires. Not just ordinary water, mind you, but water for special pipes that are pumped out of ugly hydrants that ruin our property values. For most of us, garden hoses are good enough, but not for the wasteful fire department! Instead of putting water on fires, they should be flushing out the village board and their French Socialist ways." When asked to comment, a fireman called this reporter a liar, and threatened to punch him.
Also in The Babbler
Soviet mind control satellite crashes near Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook woman fooled by Obama "grant" hoax
Lisle man drowns in water-powered car
Downers Grove cat reaches level 20 in World of Warcraft
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/09
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.