Sunday, March 29, 2009

Miley Cyrus accepts lifetime achievement award at Clow UFO base

By Reporter X

Miley Cyrus, star of Disney's Hanna Montana, received a lifetime achievement award from the Milky Way Arts and Sciences Collective. She accepted the award at Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base.

"I'm honored, really!" Said Cyrus. "It's so humbling to know that I have fans rocking out to my music across the stars!"

Cyrus then performed a short concert for 300 fans selected fans from around the galaxy. They screamed, gurgled, and made other hysterical sounds as she performed "Best of Both Worlds," "7 Things," and "The Climb." Ten human guests, and their guardians, received tickets to the concert after cracking a secret code on Cyrus' official web site.

"I got to see Miley Cyrus and space aliens!" Screamed Jill Plano, 11 years-old, of Whittier, CA. "It was awesome!"

During the press conference following the concert, Xlog Gopa, Symbot of the Collective, denied that Cyrus was given the award to promote her new movie, and the interstellar syndication of Hanna Montana.

"There are some intelligent species that would consider 16 to be old age. Miley's work is the best they will experience in their short lifetimes. It is only fair that we should give her a lifetime achievement award."

Gopa added, "Miley's albums and merchandise has taught billions of our youth how to be proper consumers. All of her fans, podling and live birth alike, have helped mitigate the affects of the galactic depression. We think of her work as a galactic stimulus plan. Not even Tiny Tim's work had this much of an economic impact."

Cyrus also responded to charges that recent pictures of her on the Internet disqualified her for the award.

"I'm a teenager, and I make mistakes. I thought it would be fun to pose in my underwear on the Internet. When my dad showed me e-mail from a fifty-year-old man, I threw up. He was old enough to be my grandfather! I realized what had done not only to myself, but to my fans as well. I will never do that again!" She then added, "Sometimes we do things that embarrass our families. My father recorded, 'Achy Breaky Heart.' I almost didn't have a singing career because of that song."

When asked if she was concerned about being replaced by the Jonas Brothers, she laughed. "I've had a successful music career all of my life, and I don't see that changing. There plenty of room for talent at Disney!"

When asked about Hilary Duff, Cyrus replied, "Who?"

Also in The Babbler:

Meijer "stimulus package" rejected by Lisle
Bolingbrook Golf Club: Roger is not our only customer!
Space alien petitions Comcast to drop SciFi channel in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/7/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Claar: The Weekly Reporter filmed an android, not me!

According to sources, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar claims that a video of him allegedly driving drunk is actually an android double.

"A man in my position sometimes needs a double, due to the security risks inherent with my job." Said Claar , according to source. "Since I have close personal contact with the residents of Bolingbrook, I can't use a human double. So I use androids."

Members of the Bolingbrook Police Department, who asked not to be identified, say the Roger Claar androids are powered by alcohol.

"I've seen the video." Said an anonymous police source. "It looks like an android trying to supply itself with enough fuel to run for seven hours."

The sources also said that alcohol has no affect on an android's driving ability.
Advisors to Claar, who asked not to be named, suspect that the staff of The Weekly Reporter borrowed a Claar android, took one of the mayor's car while he was away, staged the video, and then secretly returned the android.

"The Weekly Reporter has put us in a very bad situation." Said an anonymous advisor. "We can't reveal the existence of the androids, because they're based on classified US government designs. That would give President Obama an excuse to arrest the mayor, and we can't have that."

The advisor said that the plan is tell reporters that the video is obviously edited, and then let the reporters reach their own conclusions.

"But we don't expect too many reporters to look into this. They're too busy following Drew Peterson."

When asked for comment, Claar replied, "This is smear attempt by people who are jealous because they are not qualified to run for mayor of Bolingbrook. If you cannot sign your name exactly the same way twice, then you are not qualified to run for office in Will County!"

The Babbler could not reach the staff of The Weekly Reporter for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Cook County conservative laughed at after calling for the tea-bagging of Chicago
Stimulus package allows employment of space aliens in Illinois
Illini blame loss on psychics

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Drew Peterson cancels speech at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Drew Peterson canceled a speech at Clow UFO base, citing his concern over the presence of telepathic aliens.

"Mr. Peterson, like most humans, does not like the idea of some extraterrestrial poking through his thoughts." Said publicist Sonya Chow. "Since he did not receive the proper reassurances from Clow's administrators, we had no choice but to cancel the speech."

Peterson, whose wife Stacy Peterson has been missing since 10/28/07, was going to speak to the Bolingbrook chapter of the Society of Interstellar Journalists. According to Qu'Goo, president of the chapter, Peterson was a natural choice.

"The local media has all but convicted Drew Peterson of murder." Said Qu'Goo. "Just as the media has portrayed us as either godlike or blood thirsty killers. Sometimes both. So we wanted to hear his prospective on media bias."

Qu'Goo also questioned Peterson's reason for canceling the speech.

"Clow has very strict protocols for it's telepathic visitors. We also would have been happy to provide Mr. Peterson with a thought shield. Still, we cannot pass judgment on his actions, for then we would be just as biased as the Earth media is."

Xi Quat, correspondent for the Milky Way News Service, disagreed having Peterson as a speaker.

"His wife is missing, and may be dead. All he seems to care about is getting as much publicity as possible. Some cultures this is expected, but not among American humans. I'm glad he canceled because he would have used our honorable profession to advance his agenda!"

An anonymous source within Peterson's camp offered another explanation for why Peterson canceled his speech.

"Drew never intended to give that speech." She said. "He just wanted to do something that would rile up The Babbler's readers. We're concerned that charges might eventually be filed against Drew. So we're trying to polarize American public opinion about him. There will be no way a fair trail could be held in the United States. Then we'll try to move the venue to either Saudi Arabia or Taliban-controlled Afghanistan. We think we can get a fair trial in those courts, and the laws would certainly favor Drew. Not that he did any wrong."

The Babbler will not conduct any interviews with Drew Peterson.

Also in The Babbler
Mother Nature says one more week of winter!
Anti-psychic kitty a YouTube sensation!
Werebirds demand more feeders in Chicago
Ghost gangs of Aurora sign truce

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Babbler discovers plot to breed anti-psychic pets!

In this YouTube, video, Dale Onofrey, our Web Sites to Avoid columnist, exposes the anti-psychic pet conspiracy.  

The Babbler also urges all of its readers to boycott The James Randi Educational Foundation web site and for breeding these cute but deadly pets!

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives Soviet weather attack
Wire fighting gang strikes Chicago
Sen. Roland Burris denies doing favors for space aliens
Willowbrook man blows up after meeting future self
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/17/09
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Aliens mourn the closing of RT 53 and Boughton Jewel-Osco

A Bolingbrook in Crisis Special Report

By Reporter X

The Jewel-Osco at 126 W. Boughton, a long popular hangout for Bolingbrook's space aliens, will close on April 4th.

"This is truly sad news." Said Xgoup, ambassador from M61. "In the old days, it was considered a rite of passage to leave Clow UFO base, and buy exotic foods at Jewel, like salsa. Now our podlings will never experience the thrill of driving down Boughton, and hoping that none of the humans see through your disguise."

Naloga Koboo, captain of an interstellar blockade-runner, also expressed his sadness.

"The stores close to Clow are too crowded with space travelers. I like going to the RT 53 Jewel because after months of running from imperial fighters, there's nothing more relaxing than` to refuel my ship with milk, and hang out with the employees. You could learn a lot about humanity from them."

Dokgak, a "metal collector" will also miss the Jewel.

"Whenever I needed precious metals, I would dress up as a Bolingbrook High School cheerleader, and hold out a jar. The kind customers would give me money. There were a few creeps who would try to look up my skirt, but the coins were worth the awkwardness. Anyway, I would give the paper money to the real cheerleaders, and sell the coins on my home world. Even with the tariffs, I still made a fortune."

Some aliens have offered to abduct the former employees so they won't face unemployment on Earth. So far, none have accepted the aliens' offer.

In other Bolingbrook in Crisis News:
  • A source close to Roger Claar says that former Jewel store will be converted into a Homeopathic Overdose Clinic. According to "Steve," Mayor Roger Claar said, "Steve, even with my great authority, I could not save this store. But I can save residents from taking too many glasses of energized water." Steve also said homeopathic overdoses have increased 1000% since James Randi swallowed an entire bottle of homeopathic sleeping pills. When asked to comment, Mayor Claar grumbled about having to drive further for groceries, and then hung up.
  • Donald Huntington, founder of Bolingbrook's Zero Tax party, called the Bolingbrook Fire Department a waste of taxpayer money. "Can you believe that we have a so-called fire department that spends its time putting water on fires. Not just ordinary water, mind you, but water for special pipes that are pumped out of ugly hydrants that ruin our property values. For most of us, garden hoses are good enough, but not for the wasteful fire department! Instead of putting water on fires, they should be flushing out the village board and their French Socialist ways." When asked to comment, a fireman called this reporter a liar, and threatened to punch him.

Also in The Babbler
Soviet mind control satellite crashes near Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook woman fooled by Obama "grant" hoax
Lisle man drowns in water-powered car
Downers Grove cat reaches level 20 in World of Warcraft
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.