Monday, February 16, 2009

Talking Minnesota Land Squids invade Bolingbrook!

Village officials urge calm

Don Tremble, a chef at a Naperville sushi restaurant, entered his Bolingbrook home, and, to his surprise, heard his own voice.

"I heard myself saying, 'I strongly agree that Bolingbrook should ban sushi.'" Said Tremble.

Tremble ran into the living room, and, to his horror, saw a giant squid talking on the phone.

"It sounded just like me."

Before Tremble could react, the creature ran away, and jumped through the front window. Tremble picked up the phone, and discovered that the squid was in the middle of a phone survey.

According to Bolingbrook officials, Tremble witnessed a Minnesota Land Squid. Since February 1st, Bolingbrook sightings have increased by 1000 percent. Unlike previous sightings, these creatures are now breaking into homes and talking to phone surveyors while the homeowners are away.

"For some reason, we believe the squids are trying to convince marketers that Bolingbrook residents don't want a seafood restaurant." Said an anonymous official.

Donna, a musical director at Bolingbrook church, say the squid she saw wasn't talking about seafood.

"I walked into my home, and heard myself saying that Bolingbrook had too many churches. I ran into the living room just as I heard this thing say, 'religion promotes violence.' That was so blasphemous that I over came my fear, and ran for the gun. When I got back, the thing had escaped. The police said it was a squid, but I say it was a demon from hell!"

Bolingbrook Animal Control urged residents to use caution if anyone spots a Minnesota Land Squid.

"The Minnesota Land Squid can be dangerous when provoked. Call Animal Control right away, and whatever you do, don't shoot them! They are an endangered species. Let the experts capture it."

According to Minnesota Department of Paranormal Affairs, The Minnesota Squid first appeared in 2004. It is believed that they were created during genetic experiments at The University of Minnesota Morris. Biology Professor PZ Meyers is believed to have been the head of the project. Meyers, who is also a regular blogger, has publicly denied being responsible for the Minnesota Land Squid.

Investigators, who asked not to be identified, claim that not only did Meyers create the land squids, but he may have sent them to Bolingbrook. Noting Meyers' desire to "crash" Internet polls, they feel that he sent the talking land squids to throw off marketing polls in Bolingbrook.

One of the investigators claims that Meyers confessed to him, and that it part of his larger plan to crash the 2010 census.

"I told him that he was mad. He replied, 'I AM MAD! I'm mad at Obama for not abolishing the Office of Faith Based and Neighborhood Partnerships! If he doesn't get rid of that illegal office I will crash his precious census! It will be my greatest achievement!'"

The investigators say they cannot act against Meyers now because the entire department is devoted to helping Norm Coleman convince the Minnesota Supreme Court to count the ghost vote.

When we tried to reach Meyers, a woman answered the phone. Her response consisted of so many unfamiliar words that we asked several local professors to help us translate.

Also in The Babbler
Martian Death Cold strikes Western Suburbs
Aliens rain fireballs on Texas and say Bolingbrook is next
Downers Grove cat to attempt to set the record for the longest nap
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/12/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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