Sunday, January 4, 2009

'Reality Discos' offer secular alternative to 'Purity Balls'

Following a report on the failure of "Purity Balls" to prevent teen pregnancy, the Wheaton Unitarian Church decided to host "Reality Discos."

"We owe it to our children to give them the most accurate information about sex without encouraging them to have sex." Said Rev. Melissa Jackson.

According to Jackson, middle school students sign an agreement not to have sex until they graduate from high school.

"People nowadays don't get married until their 40s." Said Jackson. "No one should be asked to wait that long."

The participants then attend weekly sex-ed classes at the Unitarian church. Their parents also give their kids special assignments, like quizzes.

Every three months, the students gather for a "Reality Disco" where they can practice their dating skills in a safe, adult-monitored environment. New students publicly sign the agreement, while returning student reaffirm their commitment to the program.

Some parents have mixed feelings about signing their children up for the program.

Donald Edwards, one of the few parents who spoke to The Babbler, explained. "On the one hand, I don't feel comfortable talking about these issues with my daughter. On the other, I never liked the way those fathers looked at their daughters at purity balls. And it seems like they want to marry off their daughters to men with virgin fetishes. Plus, you really can't expect your daughter to stay a virgin after high school. You have to give them the skills they'll need for the real world."

Michelle Edwards added, "I used to hang out at discos before we married. I like our daughter can experience a disco in a controlled environment. If some boy tries a cheesy pick-up line, someone will be there to put him in his place."

Julia, who asked that we did not use her last name, doesn't like the program.

"I'm so sick of sex education! The last thing I want to do is go to bed with someone. Eww! I'd rather watch Hannah Montana. Plus the outfits we have to wear for the discos are so gross! And the music is too slow! I'd almost want to go to one of those balls instead. But the adults there would creep me out!"

David doesn't like the homework assignments. "I swear, every other day he throws a banana at me and says, 'condom drill!' I tell him that I just want to play with the Wii, and he says that I have to always be ready because I could be with a woman, and then want to, you know. They're taking this way too far!"

Jill thinks she has the program figured out.

"They think that if they teach us sex ed, we'll think that the adults want us to have sex and then we'll refuse to have sex because, you know, we like to rebel against our parents, you know. But then they try to trick us by teaching us about birth control. So you think we'll rebel by not using birth control. But then the fundies tell us not to use birth control, so then we have to decide who we want to rebel against. So for right now, I'm not going to have sex until college. It's more fun then, and you don't have to worry about hiding from your parents. Or so I've heard."

Joan Annison, director of Keep Naperville Pure, call the Disco program appalling.

"This encourages teenagers to have more sex! I don't care what the studies say. I know what I know. Any teenager who has sex before marriage should either die or get pregnant. Plus our program encourages people to marry at an early age, which is the way it should be."

Dx23, a blogger alternate at Teen Skepchick, doesn't see what the big deal is. "What ever. Like such a program even exists. Now if you don't mind, I have to study for my exo-biology degree--- Oh! He texted me! Oh my god! I've got to call Rebecca and ask her how to get rid of this zit!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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