Sunday, January 25, 2009

Opposition parties respond to the 2009 Bolingbrook State of the Village Address

Each year, we give Bolingbrook's opposition parties a chance to respond to the State of the Village Address. This year, The Adultolescent Party, The Draft Drew Peterson Party, Rod for Mayor Party, and The Roger Claar Party accepted our invitation.

The Adultolescent Party
Helping our parents help us

During The Great Depression, multi-generation families were very common. It was no big deal to live with your parents, as well as your children. It worked.

Then the 1950s came. Psychologists demanded the break-up of the traditional American family. Thus was born the nuclear family, and it's nuclear fallout has contaminated our culture! The nuclear family has lead to legalized abortion, low quality "family" television, and global warming.

Those adults who still live with our parents, either by choice or through forces beyond our control are being stigmatized. We are called adultolescents. We are ridiculed on the Dr. Phil Show. Those who want to pollute America with the toxic waste of the nuclear family are victimizing us!

For our families, these are hard times. We're glad that Mayor Roger Claar is trying to bring a new factory to Bolingbrook. But some of our parents are too old to work in a factory. They need help to support their sons and daughters as they make the extended transition into society. With increased competition for low-wage jobs, Bolingbrook needs to step in to help our parents help us. These programs will help residents like:
  • Jill, who had to cancel a trip to Las Vegas so the money she saved from her service industry job could go towards paying the utilities. Imagine how much money she could have made in Las Vegas. That money would have been spent in Bolingbrook.
  • Carl, who had to stop buying role-playing books at Borders. That's lost sales tax income for the village.
  • Lisa, whose dreams of becoming a writer were crushed when her parents forced her to pay rent. Paying rent for the only home she's known!
If the village helps our parents help us, the return on sales tax will more than pay for these programs. Not only that, but Bolingbrook will lead the country in a return to true family values.

The Draft Drew Peterson Party
It's time to end the divisiveness in Bolingbrook

With our village facing a crisis, Mayor Roger Claar is content to quote literature. This is unacceptable.

We need a strong leader, clever leader. One who will not only stand up against impossible odds, but also thrive under extreme pressure. One who is not afraid to act without asking for permission.

Bolingbrook has such a leader, and his name is Drew Peterson. If you don't listen to the liberal media, you'll that Mr. Peterson is the man for Bolingbrook! He appeals to younger generation. He's stood up to criminals. He's stood up to Nancy Grace. Even the state police can't bring him down.

We need a strong leader who will do what needs to be done! Are you willing to risk your livelihood because Fox News says he might be guilty of two crimes? This is the same network that said Washington Mutual was a great investment!

Help us draft Drew Peterson for mayor, so the village can come together and stand up to the liberal media!

Rod for Mayor
Bolingbrook needs a man like Rod Blagojevich

Bolingbrook needs a mayor like Rod Blagojevich! Did you know he promised not to raise income taxes? He's awesome! He's only hated because the liberal media doesn't like him! If you ignore the media, you'll see a man that gets the private sector to donate money to the government! If he runs for mayor, that means less taxes for you! He's awesome! Vote for him, and don't listen to the Republicans who run the media!

The Roger Claar Party
A great mayor deserves a great party

Wow! That was the greatest speech ever! President Obama could lean a thing or two from him.

We face hard times, residents of Bolingbrook. I'm sure most residents will stand with our mayor!

But will the Village Board fully support our mayor? We don't see them on the Sunday talk shows spreading Roger Claar's message of hope. Are they talking to the rest of the Fortune 500 companies to encourage them to set up shop in Bolingbrook? Do you even know who is on the Village Board?

The board members belong to the Bolingbrook First Party. What does that mean? Do they really believe that Roger Claar is Bolingbrook? Or will they use Bolingbrook as an excuse to stab our mayor in the back for their own personal gain? Who knows?

You can be assured that The Roger Claar Party fully supports our mayor and will work tirelessly to help him pull Bolingbrook through the second great depression! This year, vote for the party that you know Roger can count on!

Also in The Babbler:
DC UFO makes pit-stop in Bolingbrook
Babbler sues Kevin Trudeau over "Facts about Bolingbrook They Don't Want You to Know"
Downers Grove man tries to relaunch Iowa BBS as the next Facebook
Rebecca Watson proposes "intelligent falling" to Chicago listeners
Facing salt shortage, suburbs import salt from Mars

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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