Sunday, January 11, 2009

Chicagoans using explosives to protect winter parking spots

Doug, not his real name, dug out his car during last Friday's snowstorm, and reserved his spot with a lawn chair. When he came home from work, not only was there a car in his spot, but the car had crushed his lawn chair.

"I couldn't believe it!" Screamed Doug. "This is Chicago! You're supposed to respect the tradition of the reserving your parking spot with furniture! What's happening to our city?"

During his five tours in Iraq, Doug disarmed several improvised explosive devices placed by the insurgents. So he decided to put his expertise to use. He dug out a new spot, and placed his own IED under another lawn chair. When he came home from work, he saw a blast crater in his spot, and a flipped over car across the street.

"I'm sorry, but a winter parking spot is sacred! If they won't respect furniture, then a Chicagoan has to do what a Chicagoan has to do!"

Officially, Doug's incident never happened. Unofficially, Chicago officials say more Chicagoans have resorted to explosive devices to protect their parking spots.

"I certainly understand their frustration." Said one anonymous official. "If someone doesn't respect a chair, there's really nothing you can do legally. A police officer isn't going ticket the driver. So they have to take matters into their own hands. I guess we never expected things to get out of hand."

Chicago police credit Gulf War veterans, the Internet and former TSA Officers for teaching Chicagoans on how to build their own IEDs.

"Last year we had no parking space IEDs." Said Officer John. "This year we've had 20 reported. But who knows many are buried in the streets?"

Joan Stouffer, Green Party activist, is concerned about the explosion of IED usage.

"I'm all for blowing up cars, but we really shouldn't blow them up in residential neighborhoods. Too many innocent people could be hurt. I want the local party to take a stand, but I can't get the two-thirds votes necessary to get it passed!  I think some local members want to see cars blown up anywhere."

Doug insists IEDs can be safely used in Chicago.

"If you're using explosive responsibly, you can direct the explosion to just move the car. I don't want to kill people. I just want to more forcefully assert my rights as a car parking resident. If you can't use an IED properly, well, maybe you should just stick to shooting the tires of an offending car."

Ultimately, some anonymous government officials believe the government will have to step in to stop the IED epidemic.

"Don't tell anyone," said one such official, "but we're going to turn over residential parking enforcement to a private firm. They're going to set up meters in front of every residential unit. IEDs can severely damage them, and the city will have to pay to replace them. They're really expensive, and we just don't have the money."

Until then, Chicago residents are urged to use extreme caution when approaching any lawn chairs during the winter.

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Mark Cuban: Give me the Cubs or I will buy the Sun-Times!
Michelle and Christina hint at reunion concert
Bears hope to draft player from Jupiter

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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