Sunday, January 25, 2009

Opposition parties respond to the 2009 Bolingbrook State of the Village Address

Each year, we give Bolingbrook's opposition parties a chance to respond to the State of the Village Address. This year, The Adultolescent Party, The Draft Drew Peterson Party, Rod for Mayor Party, and The Roger Claar Party accepted our invitation.

The Adultolescent Party
Helping our parents help us

During The Great Depression, multi-generation families were very common. It was no big deal to live with your parents, as well as your children. It worked.

Then the 1950s came. Psychologists demanded the break-up of the traditional American family. Thus was born the nuclear family, and it's nuclear fallout has contaminated our culture! The nuclear family has lead to legalized abortion, low quality "family" television, and global warming.

Those adults who still live with our parents, either by choice or through forces beyond our control are being stigmatized. We are called adultolescents. We are ridiculed on the Dr. Phil Show. Those who want to pollute America with the toxic waste of the nuclear family are victimizing us!

For our families, these are hard times. We're glad that Mayor Roger Claar is trying to bring a new factory to Bolingbrook. But some of our parents are too old to work in a factory. They need help to support their sons and daughters as they make the extended transition into society. With increased competition for low-wage jobs, Bolingbrook needs to step in to help our parents help us. These programs will help residents like:
  • Jill, who had to cancel a trip to Las Vegas so the money she saved from her service industry job could go towards paying the utilities. Imagine how much money she could have made in Las Vegas. That money would have been spent in Bolingbrook.
  • Carl, who had to stop buying role-playing books at Borders. That's lost sales tax income for the village.
  • Lisa, whose dreams of becoming a writer were crushed when her parents forced her to pay rent. Paying rent for the only home she's known!
If the village helps our parents help us, the return on sales tax will more than pay for these programs. Not only that, but Bolingbrook will lead the country in a return to true family values.

The Draft Drew Peterson Party
It's time to end the divisiveness in Bolingbrook

With our village facing a crisis, Mayor Roger Claar is content to quote literature. This is unacceptable.

We need a strong leader, clever leader. One who will not only stand up against impossible odds, but also thrive under extreme pressure. One who is not afraid to act without asking for permission.

Bolingbrook has such a leader, and his name is Drew Peterson. If you don't listen to the liberal media, you'll that Mr. Peterson is the man for Bolingbrook! He appeals to younger generation. He's stood up to criminals. He's stood up to Nancy Grace. Even the state police can't bring him down.

We need a strong leader who will do what needs to be done! Are you willing to risk your livelihood because Fox News says he might be guilty of two crimes? This is the same network that said Washington Mutual was a great investment!

Help us draft Drew Peterson for mayor, so the village can come together and stand up to the liberal media!

Rod for Mayor
Bolingbrook needs a man like Rod Blagojevich

Bolingbrook needs a mayor like Rod Blagojevich! Did you know he promised not to raise income taxes? He's awesome! He's only hated because the liberal media doesn't like him! If you ignore the media, you'll see a man that gets the private sector to donate money to the government! If he runs for mayor, that means less taxes for you! He's awesome! Vote for him, and don't listen to the Republicans who run the media!

The Roger Claar Party
A great mayor deserves a great party

Wow! That was the greatest speech ever! President Obama could lean a thing or two from him.

We face hard times, residents of Bolingbrook. I'm sure most residents will stand with our mayor!

But will the Village Board fully support our mayor? We don't see them on the Sunday talk shows spreading Roger Claar's message of hope. Are they talking to the rest of the Fortune 500 companies to encourage them to set up shop in Bolingbrook? Do you even know who is on the Village Board?

The board members belong to the Bolingbrook First Party. What does that mean? Do they really believe that Roger Claar is Bolingbrook? Or will they use Bolingbrook as an excuse to stab our mayor in the back for their own personal gain? Who knows?

You can be assured that The Roger Claar Party fully supports our mayor and will work tirelessly to help him pull Bolingbrook through the second great depression! This year, vote for the party that you know Roger can count on!

Also in The Babbler:
DC UFO makes pit-stop in Bolingbrook
Babbler sues Kevin Trudeau over "Facts about Bolingbrook They Don't Want You to Know"
Downers Grove man tries to relaunch Iowa BBS as the next Facebook
Rebecca Watson proposes "intelligent falling" to Chicago listeners
Facing salt shortage, suburbs import salt from Mars

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Shelled aliens offended by scheduled singer at Clow Inaugural Ball

By Reporter X

Twelve ambassadors from aquatic worlds today filed a protest against singer Juanita Rodriguez scheduled performance at the Clow UFO Base Inaugural Ball. Rodriguez, member of the contemporary Christian duo Juanita and Claudia, has called shellfish "abominations."

"This is outrageous!" Said Glacko of XG-12. "Our people developed shells to survive our harsh environment. I would love to see her squishy body survive a school of plankrana!"

"Once again our Earth hosts have sent offence toward us." Said Ambassador Plani Tu of Alpha Centauri. "First you try to send an inferior remake of 'The Day the Earth Stood Still.' Now you have hired a singer who is offended by our normal skin texture! It is she who is the abomination in the eyes of our overseer! Only by turning over Keanu Reeves to our Court of Cultural Justice will we be satisfied!"

The aliens are referring to her 2001 interview with The Bolingbrook Babbler. When asked about her feelings out gays, she replied, "Well I used to like shellfish, but my minister says it is an abomination. So that means there's something fundamentally offensive about shellfish. They are abominations in the eyes of our Lord."

John Thompson, of Bolingbrook's Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs, defended the choice.

"The Obama Administration is about people coming together. That includes people who hate aquatic shelled aliens. We'll have a shelled alien give a short speech at the Pre-Inaugural Social on Monday. If they don't like it, they can go to Washington and try to avoid the Men in Black.  Let me tell you, you can't hide from them.  Even with 2 million visitors in the city.  They will find you!"

When contacted by The Babbler, Rodriguez replied, "I don't know why God created civilizations of abominations. But I'm sure God has a plan, and I trust that they will respect my beliefs and my right to perform at Clow. They are guests on our planet after all."

Rodriguez added that she would refrain from commenting on the shelled members of the audience, but "that won't stop me from singing about our loving Lord!"

The ball will be broadcast over the HARP Network.

When asked if she would reunite with her twin sister, Claudia, Juanita giggled, and said. "She's my twin. We'll never be apart!"

Also in The Babbler:
Man parks in Downers Grove, walks to Washington DC
Snow Snakes attack Tollway
Ghost cat spotted in Morton Arboretum
Man leaves cat outside to perform "cryogenic" research
President-elect Obama honors deceased black op astronauts

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Chicagoans using explosives to protect winter parking spots

Doug, not his real name, dug out his car during last Friday's snowstorm, and reserved his spot with a lawn chair. When he came home from work, not only was there a car in his spot, but the car had crushed his lawn chair.

"I couldn't believe it!" Screamed Doug. "This is Chicago! You're supposed to respect the tradition of the reserving your parking spot with furniture! What's happening to our city?"

During his five tours in Iraq, Doug disarmed several improvised explosive devices placed by the insurgents. So he decided to put his expertise to use. He dug out a new spot, and placed his own IED under another lawn chair. When he came home from work, he saw a blast crater in his spot, and a flipped over car across the street.

"I'm sorry, but a winter parking spot is sacred! If they won't respect furniture, then a Chicagoan has to do what a Chicagoan has to do!"

Officially, Doug's incident never happened. Unofficially, Chicago officials say more Chicagoans have resorted to explosive devices to protect their parking spots.

"I certainly understand their frustration." Said one anonymous official. "If someone doesn't respect a chair, there's really nothing you can do legally. A police officer isn't going ticket the driver. So they have to take matters into their own hands. I guess we never expected things to get out of hand."

Chicago police credit Gulf War veterans, the Internet and former TSA Officers for teaching Chicagoans on how to build their own IEDs.

"Last year we had no parking space IEDs." Said Officer John. "This year we've had 20 reported. But who knows many are buried in the streets?"

Joan Stouffer, Green Party activist, is concerned about the explosion of IED usage.

"I'm all for blowing up cars, but we really shouldn't blow them up in residential neighborhoods. Too many innocent people could be hurt. I want the local party to take a stand, but I can't get the two-thirds votes necessary to get it passed!  I think some local members want to see cars blown up anywhere."

Doug insists IEDs can be safely used in Chicago.

"If you're using explosive responsibly, you can direct the explosion to just move the car. I don't want to kill people. I just want to more forcefully assert my rights as a car parking resident. If you can't use an IED properly, well, maybe you should just stick to shooting the tires of an offending car."

Ultimately, some anonymous government officials believe the government will have to step in to stop the IED epidemic.

"Don't tell anyone," said one such official, "but we're going to turn over residential parking enforcement to a private firm. They're going to set up meters in front of every residential unit. IEDs can severely damage them, and the city will have to pay to replace them. They're really expensive, and we just don't have the money."

Until then, Chicago residents are urged to use extreme caution when approaching any lawn chairs during the winter.

Also in The Babbler:

Lawyer threatens Tribune over rejected 'living cloud' article
Mark Cuban: Give me the Cubs or I will buy the Sun-Times!
Michelle and Christina hint at reunion concert
Bears hope to draft player from Jupiter

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

'Reality Discos' offer secular alternative to 'Purity Balls'

Following a report on the failure of "Purity Balls" to prevent teen pregnancy, the Wheaton Unitarian Church decided to host "Reality Discos."

"We owe it to our children to give them the most accurate information about sex without encouraging them to have sex." Said Rev. Melissa Jackson.

According to Jackson, middle school students sign an agreement not to have sex until they graduate from high school.

"People nowadays don't get married until their 40s." Said Jackson. "No one should be asked to wait that long."

The participants then attend weekly sex-ed classes at the Unitarian church. Their parents also give their kids special assignments, like quizzes.

Every three months, the students gather for a "Reality Disco" where they can practice their dating skills in a safe, adult-monitored environment. New students publicly sign the agreement, while returning student reaffirm their commitment to the program.

Some parents have mixed feelings about signing their children up for the program.

Donald Edwards, one of the few parents who spoke to The Babbler, explained. "On the one hand, I don't feel comfortable talking about these issues with my daughter. On the other, I never liked the way those fathers looked at their daughters at purity balls. And it seems like they want to marry off their daughters to men with virgin fetishes. Plus, you really can't expect your daughter to stay a virgin after high school. You have to give them the skills they'll need for the real world."

Michelle Edwards added, "I used to hang out at discos before we married. I like our daughter can experience a disco in a controlled environment. If some boy tries a cheesy pick-up line, someone will be there to put him in his place."

Julia, who asked that we did not use her last name, doesn't like the program.

"I'm so sick of sex education! The last thing I want to do is go to bed with someone. Eww! I'd rather watch Hannah Montana. Plus the outfits we have to wear for the discos are so gross! And the music is too slow! I'd almost want to go to one of those balls instead. But the adults there would creep me out!"

David doesn't like the homework assignments. "I swear, every other day he throws a banana at me and says, 'condom drill!' I tell him that I just want to play with the Wii, and he says that I have to always be ready because I could be with a woman, and then want to, you know. They're taking this way too far!"

Jill thinks she has the program figured out.

"They think that if they teach us sex ed, we'll think that the adults want us to have sex and then we'll refuse to have sex because, you know, we like to rebel against our parents, you know. But then they try to trick us by teaching us about birth control. So you think we'll rebel by not using birth control. But then the fundies tell us not to use birth control, so then we have to decide who we want to rebel against. So for right now, I'm not going to have sex until college. It's more fun then, and you don't have to worry about hiding from your parents. Or so I've heard."

Joan Annison, director of Keep Naperville Pure, call the Disco program appalling.

"This encourages teenagers to have more sex! I don't care what the studies say. I know what I know. Any teenager who has sex before marriage should either die or get pregnant. Plus our program encourages people to marry at an early age, which is the way it should be."

Dx23, a blogger alternate at Teen Skepchick, doesn't see what the big deal is. "What ever. Like such a program even exists. Now if you don't mind, I have to study for my exo-biology degree--- Oh! He texted me! Oh my god! I've got to call Rebecca and ask her how to get rid of this zit!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.