Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2010!



Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to report on their visions for the New Year. Last year, our psychics predicted the impeachment of Governor Rod Blagojevich, The Bears failing to make the Super Bowl, and the reelection of Mayor Roger Claar.

Some so-called skeptics will point out that we also predicted that Claar would deplete his campaign fund and that he would face 524 candidates in the election. While true, it should be pointed out that Claar has taken in $5 million dollars in campaign donations since 1999, but now only has $1 million dollars. Sure our psychics were off by 523, but who else predicted that Mayor Claar would have an opponent in 2009?

Our psychics' visions are not always clear, and we try our best to interpret them. Sometimes we have to wait until the year ends before we can fully understand their visions.

So without further ado, we present our panel’s predictions for 2010

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The Lisle Sun starts off the year by announcing the results of the 2008 election.

“No one complained when we printed a 20 day old press release.” The editor will say. “Who says news has to be recent? Besides, it’s cheaper to print an old story, than to write a new story. We have to watch the bottom line.”

---

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe hosts will finally respond to The Babbler's $5 Challenge.  Dr. Steven Novella will try to deliver a long winded explanation why they can't accept the challenge.

Jay Novella will interrupt him, and say to Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey, "Dude, just shut the (Expletive Deleted) up!  That all you have to say, Steve."

---

Fed up with Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook's constant attacks, Claar travels to Britain to file a libel suit against them.

“Sure Illinois law prevents me from collecting any money.” Claar will say. “But it will be worth it just to say that I won a lawsuit against Bonnie!”

Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook will respond by trying to file a countersuit in British Columbia, Canada.

---

Following the approval of the new Navistar Headquarters, some Lisle residents will start rioting. The rioters will target the Lucent Technology building, The Reagan Tollway, and all Lisle gas stations that sell diesel.

Mayor Joe Broda will declare martial law and suspend the village charter. Days after the riots, Broda will maintain martial law, “Because there are still troublemakers out there, and I don’t want them disrupting the reconstruction effort.”

After two months of martial law, Governor Pat Quinn will travel to Lisle with the remaining units of the Illinois National Guard so he can “liberate the voters!” Broda will restore the village charter in exchange for immunity.

Navistar will consider the riots an unexpected benefit because the taxpayers will pay for the demolition of the ruined Lucent complex. The national government will also give them disaster relief funds to build a brand new complex and buy the land outright.

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Skepchick blogger Elyse Anders will be escorted to a TV studio, thinking that she’s going to host a Tim Minchin special.

Instead the producers will put her in the middle of the set, and reveal that she is really a guest on Gordon Ramsay’s Great American Meat-in. It is a live Fox special where Chef Ramsay attempts convert vegetarians and vegans into meat eaters.

Angered by deception, Elyse launches a tirade against Ramsay on live TV. The two will set the Guinness World Record for the most bleeped out obscenities in a single televised segment. The segment will end with Elyse’s husband brawling with Ramsay.

After the show, Ramsay drops all charges against Elyse’s husband, and Fox settles for an undisclosed amount.

“I’m glad things worked out.” Elyse will say. “Gordon gave me some simple vegetarian recipes as his way of saying sorry. Still, I don’t know why people are so obsessed with my diet? It’s not like I’m a PeTA member.”

Elyse will also explain why she turned down several reality TV show offers.

“It’s one thing to occasionally post an embarrassing picture of yourself on the Internet. It’s another to have a production team trying to turn you into an embarrassing character.”

By the end of the year, Elyse will be making progress towards getting her own TV talk show.

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The Jenny McCarthy Show has a disastrous debut when she interviews a doctor she thinks is sympathetic to her anti-vaccinations views. Due to an intern’s mistake, McCarthy will really be interviewing Juanita Nogales, a south side Chicago immunologist who specializes in childhood diseases.

Nogales will shred McCarthy’s arguments, and attack her so-called “Mommy Instinct.”

“My patients are my children.” She will say. “When nature is trying to kill my children by giving them mumps and polio, my mommy instinct doesn’t say wave my hands and give them distilled water. It says to do everything I can to train their little immune systems to defend themselves!”

Nogales will finish the interview by accusing McCarthy of really working for the pharmaceutical industry because the industry makes more money off of sick children, then they do from vaccines.

Though The Jenny McCarthy Show’s ratings will recover, Nogales will become a media sensation, and a powerful voice for childhood vaccinations. Many mother will listen to her interviews, and wonder if the pro-vaccination view is also a pro-child position viewpoint.

During an interview, Nogales will say, “Ooh! Ooh! Look at the cute baby!” To the horror of the anti-vaccination movement, “Ooh! Ooh! Look at the cute baby!” will become the catch phrase of 2010.

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Despite Rep. Michele Bachmann proclaiming that the 2010 election will be the “Waterloo of the Tea Baggers,” The Republicans will take both houses of Congress. The Tea Baggers will almost immediately be disillusioned when The Republicans will take impeachment off the table, and propose a “single payer” health care plan.

The plan will actually make it easy for one private insurance company to gain a monopoly over all health care.

“We don’t really care about Health Care.” Speaker of the House elect Jim Oberweis will say. “We just want to see Dennis Kucinich vote against a single payer plan.”

---

In November of 2010, The Babbler will celebrate 12 years on the Internet.  The Bolingbrook Sun will ignore the anniversary and The Bolingbrook Bugle will write a short snide editorial.

Also in The Babbler

Brett Favre grows clone for spare parts!
Claar cleared in “Santa Scandal”
Bolingbrook reports reduction in drunk alien incidents
Wheaton to unveil Second Coming Contingency Plan
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/2/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Web Exclusive: Two dead following meeting with Lisle’s trees!

Lisle’s Council of Trees killed two people during a meeting about relocating Navistar’s headquarters to Lisle.

Sources say that during the meeting in Morton Arboretum, the trees were unimpressed with both sides of the debate and killed a representative from each side. The trees then consumed the bodies and told the surviving representatives to take a break and come back when both sides were ready to seriously present their cases.

“I’ve never seen anything like it.” Said Joe Parkerson, a bodyguard for Mayor Joe Broda. “They usually wait a day, and then send a human-tree hybrid assassin to kill someone. The Council was really mad today.”

Sources agree that Broda invited two representatives from each side to speak to the Council. Most Lisle observers agree that the Council of Trees is the governing body of Lisle, and the Village Trustees are merely following the Council’s instructions. It is rare for outsiders to meet with the Council, which is located deep within Morton Arboretum.

“The mayor actually let the visitors see him kneel and summon the trees!” Said Parkerson. “He has a commanding public image, and yet there he was, on his knees. Saying that he was nothing before the ancient and powerful trees of Lisle.”

When the trees arrived, a Navistar representative spoke first.

“He started to speak.” Said Parkerson, “But then the trees kept asking him about diesel emissions from the testing facility. He kept saying, ‘I don’t know,’ over and over. They weren’t pleased.”

The sources agree that the trees eventually said that the representative’s lack of preparation insulted them. A tree guard swiped a razor sharp branch at the representative, slicing his head off.

The other Navistar representative told The Babbler, “We hoped to dazzle the trees with our commitment to planting new trees to offset some of our carbon footprint. Looking back, it would have been prudent to actually research the amount of diesel the facility could release into Lisle.”

The anti-Navistar representative, though shaken at watching someone’s death, seemed confident in her argument. She started by saying that the extra traffic, noise, and diesel fumes from the testing facility would harm the autistic students at Giant Steps Illinois. She added the diesel fumes are so dangerous that they could create health problems within a 50 mile radius. She concluded by saying that the new headquarters would destroy trees and create “negative energy in Lisle.”

The trees, according to the sources, told her that they were not “hippie” trees, and that the death of other trees was not always a bad thing.

They then asked her several questions. One of the trees wanted to know why Giant Steps Illinois in Lisle is located less than a mile from I-88 if diesel fumes are so harmful to autistic students. She replied that the facility would produce more fumes than the interstate because the facility would be running 24 hours a day, is closer than the interstate, and has a large 162,000 gallon storage tank.

Another tree asked her about diesel in the Lisle area. He noted that no one from Lisle complained when Bolingbrook expanded its truck stop.

“It stores diesel, has heavy truck traffic, and is less than 50 miles from Lisle. Shouldn’t you be worried about the fumes from that truck stop?”

Another tree chimed in that there are diesel cars in Lisle, and gas stations that sell diesel as well. Not to mention the Metra trains that pass through Lisle every day.

“Why aren’t you working to ban all diesel in Lisle?” Asked this tree.

The anti-Navistar representative said she hadn’t thought about those questions.

“Your lack of thought insults us!” Said a tree before impaling her with a sharp branch.

“I was so mad.” Said Juan, the surviving Navistar critic. “The DuPage politicians have even corrupted our trees! It was a good thing we didn’t bring any autistic children along. Who knows what those sociopathic trees would have done?”

The Council then ruled that while there are issues with “diesel spewing machines,” some of those machines bring in humans who feed CO2 to the trees.

“Come back in the spring when you are ready to present well researched and throughly thought out arguments!”

When asked to comment, Broda screamed at this reporter, then made a phone call.

“Kim.” Said Broda, “How do I scare off the Bolingbrook reporters? Screaming at them doesn’t work. What is your secret?”

After listening for a few seconds, Broda walked up and said, “You had better leave now, or else I will teach you a new form of pole dancing!”

Broda then paused for a second, turned red, and then said into the phone, “I don’t think that came out right.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Mythbuster crashes UFO into Bolingbrook!


By Reporter X

Adam Savage, cohost of The Discovery Channel’s Mythbusters, crashed a class K09 Class UFO into Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.

Although the spectacular fireball could been seen up to five miles away, no one died in the crash, and Clow was operational after one hour of covering up the accident.

According to a Clow space traffic controller, Savage sent out a distress signal Saturday morning.

“I was chatting with a Vega freighter, when I heard this human screaming for help.” Said the officer, who asked not to be identified. “My thought was, ‘Oh great, an abductee must have grabbed the controls of a space ship.’ Then he started spouting Martian flight codes, so I figured something was really off.”

Savage told the officer that his compass was spinning, and his navigation system was malfunctioning.

“I asked him if he was flying a K09, and he said yes. I told him that was his problem. The K09 is incompatible with the Earth’s magnetic field.”

The officer cleared Savage for an emergency landing at Clow. After guiding Savage into Bolingbrook air space, the craft’s propulsion system failed, and it crashed into the civilian airport runway.

“I knew (Mayor) Roger (Claar) wasn’t going to be happy with this.”

According to Savage, now recovering at the Clow medical lab, he was split in half as he blown out of the craft.

“I remember looking down, and feeling lighter than normal. Then I hit the ground. Now that really hurt. Then I felt something hit my head. I opened by eyes and saw my crotch in front of me. Now I’m not that flexible, so I kind of realized what was going on and thought I was going to die. Which reminds me, you know the myth about your life flashing by you when you’re dying? Busted.”

Savage credits Clow advanced medical equipment for saving his life. Clow’s doctors were able to reattach Savage’s lower body and replace most of his organs. Savage says it he’s sore, but has no scars or permanent damage from the accident.

“Sure, at the time it was horrifying, but now I can look at the high speed and go, ‘I was split in half! Cool!’”

According to Savage, The Mythbusters were filming a commercial for the interstellar broadcast of the Super Bowl. LoGock Industries wanted them to “bust” the myth that the K09 malfunctions once it reaches Earth. The ad was to be similar to the Diesel Diary ads on their web site. Savage and the Build Team went to Mars to assemble a K09 from a kit.  Savage would then fly the craft back to Earth while the rest of the team followed in a more modern craft.

This reporter managed to listen into a teleconference between the build team and a LoGock representative. The insurance representative accused the Mythbusters of deliberately crashing the craft.

“You are always blowing things up!” Sad the representative. “If you did a story about bunny reproduction, you guys would find a way to include an explosion!”

Tory Belleci objected. “Some times we just set things on fire!”

Added Grant Imahara, “We followed the instructions exactly. Any problems are due to your design. Besides, we wouldn’t have crashed a ship with Adam in it. We would have waited until he landed at Area 51 and then crashed the ship by remote control.”

The representative sounded unimpressed. “Maybe if Kari hadn’t been forced to stay on Earth and feed a parasite, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“That’s my baby!” Yelled Kari Byron over the screen from her home. Byron, who was feeding her daughter, defended the Build Team, saying that she oversaw their work by reviewing their daily transmissions from Mars.

“Even though Jessi can’t replace me, I think she did a good job with the metal work.”

“I don’t want to replace you!” Protested Jessi Combs. “I just want my own spin-off show!”

Mayor Claar briefly visited Savage in the hospital. He claimed to have never seen Mythbusters, then asked, “Are you related to Michael Savage?”

When asked to comment, fellow Mythbuster Jamie Hyneman laughed and said that Savage was standing next to him.

“I think the myth that The Bolingbrook Babbler is a reliable source of information is throughly busted!”

Also in The Babbler:

Snow spirits trap Skepchick Elyse in her home
God accepts responsibility for Bear’s poor season
North Pole officials investigate Claar for “Santa Tampering”
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/25/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Web Exclusive: Real aliens review ‘Avatar’


By Reporter X

James Cameron's ‘Avatar’ is receiving mixed reviews from Clow UFO Base’s extraterrestrials.

“It has so-so special effects, and a weak plot, even by human standards.” Said Dapu of the Lao Confederation. “I give it two and half sacrifices.”

Many of the aliens took issue with Cameron’s depiction of the Na’vi race in the film.

“They look like blue humans with living network connections!” Said Pacok Nolck, an eight armed being. “Sure there are many biped races in the Milky Way, but not all of them evolved from primates! These Na’vi also have human eyes, human noses, and human lips. They even kiss their lovers! Come on! Not all human cultures accept kissing.  Yet these aliens just happen to accept kissing?”

Unlike human critics, the aliens interviewed for this article did not have a problem the female lead falling in love with the human lead’s avatar.

“It’s been my experience that if you build the right shell, some creature will try to mate with you.” Said Elbroose, an anthropologist from the Empire of the Core. “I do take issue with the Na’vi and humans having the same kinds of sex organs. Actually, the majority of reproduction among the galaxy’s races involves three genders.”

Interstellar biologist Swgo Bago praised the luminescent plants depicted in the film, but says the film has a major flaw. “What is with the green trees? Not all jungles have trees, and not all plants are green! On my planet, for example, all the plants are black so they can absorb the maximum amount of sunlight. It’s like the director thought up some cool creatures, then got lazy and filled the screen with trees!”

Many of the aliens, however, did praise the film’s anti-imperialism message.

“It’s like your golden rule.” Said Hipack. “There’s always a more advance race out there watching you. The only reason a race survives is because an advanced race decided not to kill it. So you should always return the favor to other less advanced races.”

Added Okah, “If you nurture a less advance race, they can grow up to become powerful allies. That’s why we help out Earthlings. Because someday they will be so grateful for the transistor that they will join us in our great interstellar wars!”

Gogak raised another point. “If you can travel faster than the speed of light, why waste time with inhabited planets? There are lots of mineral rich dead planets out there. Why bother with the natives? At best they’re an annoyance, and at worse, they’ll accidentally find a way to wipe you out.”

All the aliens agreed that “Avatar” represents a milestone in the evolution of human movies.

“James Cameron has brought humanity a step closer to holographic projection entertainment. You humans will enjoy 3D without the glasses. Those things give both of my brains a headache.” Said Gogak.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Space aliens vow to defeat 11th District Illinois House candidate


By Reporter X

A group of space aliens have formed a political action committee to defeat state representative candidate Ann M. Williams.

As Assistant Attorney General, she successfully prosecuted five Cook County Interstellar Consulate officials for corruption in Illinois’s Black Ops court. Her efforts lead to the consulate being merged with the Chicago Interstellar Consulate, and the loss of dozens of patronage jobs.

The newly formed PAC, Cook County for Interstellar Harmony, wants revenge against the 11th State House District candidate.

“We spent a fortune bribing Cook County officials!” Said Ok-Ia. “We saved Cook County residents millions in taxes. Then Ann Williams thanked us by shutting down the Cook County Consulate! Chicago officials won’t even send us Contact Day cards!”

Under current interstellar treaties, aliens are allowed to make donations to candidates, but the funds can only be used to campaign to naturalized space aliens only. Critics say some candidates have skirted the law by using alien funds for events that humans can also attend.

CCFIH leaders say they will not give money to Williams’s opponents, but they did concede that human “volunteers” will be allowed to use their offices to “spontaneously” organize against Williams.

One such volunteer asked to be identified as Eddy. She used to be employed at the Cook County Interstellar Consulate, but now works as a temp.

“I used to have a good job.” Said Eddy. “Thanks to Ann, I now have to work for the private sector. It’s terrible. Do you realize that you can be fired for having sex in a stairwell during work hours? It’s terrible! She’s put me through hell, and I will do my best to defeat her! Hi Ed!”

V’bok, a political pundit from Alpha Centauri, notes that there are aliens who support Williams.

“The Cook County Interstellar Consulate was a joke.” Said V’bok. “It was just a way for commissioners to cash in on interstellar trade. Thanks to Williams, it’s much easier to do business in Chicago.”

V’bok says there are issues with the Chicago Interstellar Consulate, but he says it has much better international oversight. He also credits the Daley family for realizing that meddling in alien politics could endanger both Chicago and their political machines.

“Because Cook County didn’t realize this, they’ve lost out on interstellar trade, and set back Chicago’s efforts to build their own urban UFO base. This means Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base will maintain it’s status as Chicagoland’s major interstellar hub for decades!”

When this reporter tried to reach Williams at her campaign office, she was busy talking to voters.

Her campaign manager talked about Williams’s commitment remaining an “independent Democrat.” When asked about CCFIH, the manager grabbed some flyers and said. “OK. I’ll see if Ann will meet you at the sushi restaurant down the street. In the meantime, why don’t you look at these flyers and see if you can find the hidden messages? They should answer most of your questions.”

Williams did not show up at the restaurant, and as of the deadline, The Babbler’s experts have not been able to decode the hidden messages in her flyers.

Also in The Babbler:

UFO in Norwegian incident being repaired at Clow UFO base
Sources: Skeptic Phil Plait considering offer to replace Oprah

Lisle trees reconsider support for Navistar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/20/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

CFBB blames malfunctioning android for Election Board loss


While publicly attacking the Bolingbrook Election Board for rejecting their districting petition, sources say Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook really blames a malfunctioning android.

The sources, who have connections with members of CFBB, say that CFBB acquired an android from Bolingbrook’s secret robot factory. CFBB disguised the android as one of their members, and then uploaded Illinois’s election code into its memory.

“They thought they could save money on legal fees by using the stolen android.” Said a source named Barney. “They would upload the information and then it would make the perfect legal argument. They thought Roger wouldn’t stand a chance.”

At the hearing, the android acted confused, and seemed unprepared. It claimed to have turned in 1,378 signatures. Village Clerk Carol Penning pointed out to the android that even if all the pages he had turned in were filled in, there would only be about 1200 signatures. The android replied, “But not all the pages were filled in!”

“We were given a piece of junk!” Said Riley, another CFBB source. “Obviously it wasn’t reprogramed to help us. It still had subroutines loyal to Roger!”

“Because of its poor performance,” said Benny, another source, “we looked like a bunch of idiots! It is a good thing that most of our followers only get their news from our web site, and most residents don’t read the local papers!”

Robotics expert Fritz Carman disputes CFBB’s claim that the android malfunctioned. “They uploaded the wrong legal code. Because their petition used the word ‘shall,’ that means if the voters approved it, Bolingbrook would have to be divided into six districts. That means they had to follow the municipal code. They uploaded the election code instead. If anything, the android performed beyond expectations! Any other model’s processor would have caught on fire.”

Carman also noted that CFBB did not upload the number of Bolingbrook’s general election votes from DuPage County. That also confused the android.

“These people have no business programing an android, let alone running for public office!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar, who chairs the Election Board, replied, “I guess they needed to hire a robotics expert as well as a lawyer. I hope residents now understand why the village spends so much money on a competent lawyer.”

Bonnie Alicea, spokesperson for CFBB denied that the group sent an android to the Election Board meeting.

“Roger Claar illegally reinterpreted a written piece that I re-appropriated from the residents of Lockport! It was written to generate enough signatures to get on to the ballot, and every word should it have been interpreted towards that goal! Any other election board would have known to use the election code because it required fewer signatures to get on the ballot.”

Sources within the Village of Bolingbrook say that Claar is leading an investigation into how CFBB managed to acquire an android from the underground factory.

Also in The Babbler:

Arlington Heights homeopath accidentally gives patient real medicine
Former mayor Rosenthal: My nanite wallpaper saved the village millions of dollars!
Oswego man catches pit bull flu
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/17/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Bolingbrook rejects Google Government


The village of Bolingbrook has decided not to participate in Google’s top secret test of Google Government.

“We are happy with Munis.” Said an anonymous source who wants to be a spokesperson for the village. “While this alpha test is free, we feel that we get more when we actually pay for something. How was that?”

Although Google denies its existence, an Internet sites claims that Google is working on applications that could change how democratic governments are run. Some say it could eliminate the need for politicians.

Sources who attended Google’s presentation with Mayor Roger Claar deny that it would eliminate politicians, but said it would be the ultimate in government transparency.

The sources say that Google representative Peter Alberts started by saying that Google Government takes full advantage of cloud computing.

“Wouldn’t it be expensive to keep village hall under constant cloud cover?” Asked Claar.

Alberts explained that cloud computing really means that the programs and files would be on offsite servers instead of on individual computers. This would save the village money because instead of buying a license for each computer, the village can buy cheap netbooks and employees could do all of their work using web browsers.

“How do we know the data will be safe?”

“We’re Google!” Replied Alberts. “Our corporate philosophy prohibits us from doing evil.”

“How secure will it be?”

“We’re Google!”

Claar explained that he was still “an AOL man” and didn’t understand all “this cloud stuff.” He asked why all the information needed to be online.

Alberts replied that Google Government is committed to open government. By putting all documents online, the public can easily access any document. This would save the village thousands in FOIA fees because any document would be available at the click of a button.

Claar’s eyes widened. “What about Bonnie and her fishing expeditions?”

“With Google Government, all documents are available. If she claims she can’t find a document, they’ll think she’s either computer illiterate or has mental software issues.”

Alberts added that putting government information online makes it easier to have residents volunteer help out the village. “Crowdsourcing” could save tax dollars that otherwise would have gone to outside consultants.

“What are some examples of crowdsourcing?”

Wikipedia!” Proudly exclaimed Alberts.

The sources say Claar glared at Alberts.

“OK, bad example.” Replied Alberts. “SETI@home.”

“How many aliens have they found?”

“Good point. How about Galaxy Zoo? They can classify galaxies faster than computers.”

“If you say so.” Replied Claar.

Alberts continued by saying that Google Government was more than a word processing and data storage application. He said it could replace the trustees. Google would provide free wifi to every village resident. By monitoring the residents’ internet traffic, as well as scanning their Google documents for certain keywords, Google Government can create six virtual trustees that can accurate reflect residents’ moods and opinions.

When Claar asked what his role would be in this new government, Alberts explained that Claar would be the “Mayor Sysop.” He would vote in case of a tie, report any glitches to Google, and veto any AI ordinances “with obvious bugs.”

Alberts defended virtual trustees because the village wouldn’t have to pay them, elections would be unnecessary because they’re constantly sampling public opinion, and they couldn’t be swayed by “outside influences.”

When Claar asked how his campaign fund fits in this new structure, Alberts smiled.

“Of course you would still have to run for reelection, but I think of your campaign fund as bloatware.” Albert replied as Claar started to turn red. “A campaign fund should only be used for getting reelected. You seem to use your fund for other things, like cars, oversea trips, and scholarships. I think you should divide your campaign funds into separate funds. One for travel, one for reelection, one for scholarships, and one for your personal discretion. We can use Blogger to set up a blog for each fund, set you up with Google Checkout, and then you can watch each of those funds grow. Because the residents of Bolingbrook can choose how to donate to you, I’ll bet that you will raise even more money for your charities because people who don’t support your reelection will be more likely to donate to the other funds.”

Sources say that Claar stood up and told Alberts that he was rejecting Google Government.

“I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with my personal fund!” Yelled Claar. “My campaign fund gives me the flexibility to deal with high end executives! Because as much as I love Nancy’s Pizza, not all of them like pizza. They want the expensive meals you can only get in Chicago. Thanks to Illinois’ campaign laws, they can’t offer to pay for any of my meals or rounds of golf. If I had to pay for things with my six figure salary, I would have to file for bankruptcy! How would that make Bolingbrook look?”

Alberts, according to the sources, apologized for offending Claar, then said he would pitch Google Government to Lisle Mayor Broda instead.

“I e-mailed my initial presentation to Trustee Brondyke.” Said Alberts. “She said that if I set foot in village hall, she would help me demonstrate medieval stretching techniques. That should be very educational.”

When asked to comment, Claar denied speaking to any representatives from Google. “Google is great for searching the Internet, but I don’t--Hey! Get off of my patio!”

This reporter then heard the sound of breaking glass.

“The Google’s maps have guided me here, and it’s street view has given me the vision to find you and lead you to the Church of Google!”

“Church of Google?”

“Embrace the only true all knowing god on Earth!”

“Does Google know what I’m thinking?”

“Let me Google that!”

This reporter then heard a scuffle, followed by the man screaming in pain. Two other men read the man his rights. The man replied that he his First Amendment rights were being violated because he can’t access the Village’s wifi network.

Second later, Claar picked up the phone and replied, “My village has too many idiots!”

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar and former Mayor Rosenthal form unholy alliance against Bonnie
Turkey ghosts plan their revenge
Clow UFO Base approves video gambling
Cicero woman offers facilitated communication for babies
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/11/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Bolingbrook coalition to launch ‘Don’t Divide us Bonnie’ campaign


A referendum to elect Bolingbrook’s trustees by district hasn’t been certified yet, but opponents have unveiled their campaign. Titled “Don’t Divide us Bonnie,” Citizens for a United Bolingbrook hopes to turn the referendum into a vote against Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook.

“Bonnie has gone too far!” Said Dave Nelson of the Roger Claar Party, which is not affiliated with Mayor Claar. “She wants to carve Bolingbrook into six different districts! In the 1970s, we used to be divided by subdivision. Only when Roger brought us together did we experience unprecedented growth! Don’t take that away from us, Bonnie!”

Ron Y. Emerson, spokesperson for the Al Gore Party, say that the districting plan hurts small parties like his. “Mayor Claar has a huge campaign fund, and popular support. He can find someone to run with him no matter how Bolingbrook is divided, and provide that candidate with plenty of funding. Our supporters are spread throughout Bolingbrook. If we finally manage to get on the ballet, Bonnie’s districting plan would divide our supporters, and make it impossible for us to elect a single trustee candidate.”

CFAUB plans to run several ads on cable TV. The first ad shows alleged Bolingbrook residents standing by Barber’s Corner.

Man1: There is an earthquake coming.
Woman1: They say it could tear us apart.
Man2: It could force families apart!
Woman2: It could raise our taxes.
Woman3: It could force me to get an abortion and enter into a gay marriage.
Man3: But if we vote against Bolingbrook Public Question 1, we will survive the earthquake.
Man1: And say with one voice, “Don’t divide us Bonnie!”

The second ad previewed targets Bolingbrook families:

(A husband and wife stand next to a bed that’s been sawed in half.)
Husband: Thanks to Bonnie’s districting plan, our house will sit on the boundary between two districts.
Wife: Our house and marriage are divided.
(A teenage girl and teenage boy stand on opposites sides of a wall.)
Boyfriend: Thanks to Bonnie, I can’t see my girlfriend because she lives in a different district. My parents think I should only date people in our district.
Girlfriend: Bonnie has ruined my life!
Narrator: Vote No on Bolingbrook Public Question 1 and keep our families and our homes united.
All: Don’t divide us Bonnie!

The third ad makes a questionable comparison between Chicago and Bolingbrook.

(Images of riots, fires, crime, and corrupt Chicago politicians)
Narrator: Since Chicago was divided into wards, crime, corruption, and panhandlers have skyrocketed. Chicago’s aldermen only care about serving their own wards, and not the good of Chicago. Now Bonnie wants to divide Bolingbrook into districts. A district is just another name for a ward, and look at how well they’ve worked for Chicago. This February, vote no on Bolingbrook Public Question 1 and let’s send a clear message. Don’t divide us Bonnie!

The final ad might get the coalition in trouble with the Valley View School District.

(A man is in a gym, wearing a red shirt. He is walking towards women wearing red and black basketball jerseys.)
Fake Coach: The Bolingbrook girls basketball team has a long proud winning tradition. Bonnie was part of that winning tradition a long time ago. Which is why I don’t understand why she supports Bolingbrook Public Question 1? It could force us to break up our team. Now I don’t know about you, but I think a team wins by coming together, not by coming apart. This February, as our team drives towards another state championship, support your team by voting no, and then tell Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook:
Fake Bolingbrook Girls Basketball Team: Don’t divide us Bonnie!

When asked if they had any documentation to prove their allegations, coalition members laughed. “If the media wants proof, they can do their own research. All we have to do is present our narrative, and let the people decide if they want it to be true or not. That’s modern day democracy.”

A source who has a cousin who is close to Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook’s legal team, says their public question will not divide Bolingbrook.

“Districts will elect trustees who will be forced to campaign in their districts! When they do, they will automatically vote for the will of the people! Then the gangs will go away, the mayor will work part time, there will be no more corruption, the sun will shine, and a rainbow will form over village hall! By electing trustees by district, we will come together.”

The source also insisted that CFBB submitted a notice to The Babbler that they intended to circulate a petition before the 108 day deadline.

“The public question will be on the ballet!”

No such notice has appeared in The Babbler’s print edition. When asked to comment, classified coordinator Gerald Crown looked through his papers, then said. “Oops!”

Publisher Chris Olson said that it didn’t matter if The Babbler didn’t print the notice because it hasn’t been a paper of record since his father told the first female mayor of Bolingbrook that women had no business being mayor.

“We’ve come a long way since then.” Said Olson.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar to sentence seven turkeys to death
Lisle protester: Navistar will lay us off, kill us all, then go bankrupt!
CTA rejects ‘Eat women, not turkeys’ bus signs
George Hrab: I will play at Clow UFO base next year!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Clow UFO base approves simulcast of George Hrab's Chicago concert

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base announced they would simulcast the Chicago concert of interstellar singing sensation George Hrab.

Said David Hammer of the Department of Interstellar Affairs, “Since we’ve sold out all of our available tickets, and there is considerable demand among our visitors who can’t leave the base, we will simulcast his Chicago show.”

Harb, an accomplished skeptical blogger, podcaster, and singer, gained interstellar notoriety when his song “Far” reached number one on the Milky Way pop charts. Originally recorded as the theme song for the 365 Days of Astronomy podcast, it is now the best selling single in Milky Way history, outselling even Effy’s mating howl single from 12,000 BC.



Clow officials originally planned to allow only five aliens to attend this Thursday’s concert at Burton Place, 1447 N. Wells ST. Due to overwhelming demand, and the organizing efforts of the Interstellar Skeptical Society, the officials increased the quota. When the final slots were sold out, the society persuaded them to simulcast the concert.

“George Hrab is a fine human being.” Said Lyplx of the ISS. “Not only is he contributing to the great coverup, but he is teaching humans to embrace scientific thinking. By doing this, he is helping to prepare the human race for the day we will reveal ourselves. He also rocks!”

Pu Ka’li waited five hours for a chance to see Hrab in person.

“I love to listen to ‘Far’ When I’m making the Alpha Centauri to Terra run.” Said Ka’li. “It’s like I see the planets zipping by, yet George reminds me of the great distances I’m traveling. It’s very humbling to know how advanced our technology is. Plus it has a great beat, and I love his sense of humor.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar feels that the simulcast is a positive development.  "I've never heard of him, but the aliens seem to like him.  If this event makes them happy, who am I to argue?"

When asked to comment, Hrab replied, “Wait a minute! If I’m so popular, where are my alien royalty checks? Hey, that will make a great song! That’s why I put up with crazy people like you!”

Thursday’s show will start at 7:30 PM. There is a suggested $10 donation for all humans attending the show. The simulcast will be impossible to watch outside of Clow UFO Base.

On Friday, Hrab will be at the Chicago Skeptics Meetup at Matisse Tavern & Grill, 674 W Diversey Ave. The meetup starts at 7:30 PM. It is not clear if Clow officials will grant special permission for any aliens to attend.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook’s ghosts give Pfc. Pearson a hero’s welcome
Entrepreneurs fight for the right to sell moon water in Chicago
Scientist: Too much beer turns people into skeptics!
Lisle mayor denies attacking Bolingbrook mayor in Facebook’s Mafia Wars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/24/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Bolingbrook declares “state of emergency’ in response to ‘New Moon’ movie

Fearing that the movie "New Moon" will inspire area teens to date werewolves or vampires, Bolingbrook declared a state of emergency.

Trustee Leroy Brown announced the decision during a symposium at the village hall Saturday night.

“Our fear is that these monsters will take advantage of the young fans of the Twilight series and kill them, or worse.” Said Brown.

The state of emergency frees up funds so all village departments can encourage local teenagers to abstain from dating any monsters. The last time the village declared a similar state of emergency was in 1992, before the release of the role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade.

Bolingbrook Police officer Ronald Milton, a member of the Supernatural Division, says true vampires are nothing like the vampires in Twilight.

“Vampires can look sexy,” said Milton, “but they cannot have sex, nor do they feel love. The vampires of the Western suburbs are nomads. They seduce their victims, take their blood and then move on.”

Milton says that being bitten by a vampire does not turn its victims into vampires. Nor do vampires kill everyone they feed on.

“I’ve seen too many teenagers scarred for life because a vampire promised to love them forever, only to suck their blood and break whats left of their hearts. It’s so tragic, and yet those liberals in Hollywood glorify them!”

Jenny, who spoke behind a curtain, claimed that she was involved in a love-triangle between a werewolf and a weredeer. She said it was nothing like the affair depicted in “New Moon.”

“Garth the weredeer said he loved me, but he only wanted to take my virginity so I could bear his children. Jeff said he loved me, but he wanted to use me to get to Garth. They never loved me.”

Ellen said the affair ended when Jeff killed Garth, and Jeff tried to kill Jenny. Officer Milton saved her by emptying an M16 clip of silver bullets into Jeff.

Alicia Z. Reed, a spokesperson for Heart Haven Outreach, said H2O is ready to help at-risk-youth traumatized by supernatural monsters.

“My Christian faith inspires me to comfort those who have been touched by the minions of the devil, and drive out the demons that try to possess the soul of our village! But I hope that doesn’t deter people of other faiths from turning to us for help.”

Paula X. Minkski, member of the Bolingbrook Jaycees, says the Jaycees are planning to distribute wolfsbane and garlic to all Bolingbrook teenagers.

“We’re working with the really popular students at Bolingbrook High School to make our garlic and wolfsbane necklaces cool. If we succeed, not only will our young people be protected from monsters, but it will be a phenomenal fund raiser for us!”

An unidentified member of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook stood up during the symposium and suggested that the police department should have a division dedicated to dealing with supernatural monsters.

“That’s my division!” Exclaimed Milton. “I’ve been on it for 20 years and I’d be happy to take Bonnie into the sewers to show her the monsters we protect Bolingbrook from!”

The member said he would report to Bonnie Alicea, and start an investigation. He also added that he liked the Twilight series’ message to young people that they always have a choice in life.

“We will give Bolingbrook a choice between the heroic Bonnie and the evil Roger!”

Brown also announced a new public service announcement that will run on BCTV starting this week. Produced in corporation the G4 cable channel, Brown said it was more graphic than most of the videos released by the village.

“I make no apologizes for releasing a video that tells our youth not to date monsters!”



The Babbler could not reach a representative from the vampires or werewolves for a response.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook’s ghosts give Pfc. Pearson a hero’s welcome
Entrepreneurs fight for the right to sell moon water in Chicago
Scientist: Too much beer turns people into skeptics!
Lisle mayor denies attacking Bolingbrook mayor in Facebook’s Mafia Wars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/24/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Group: Navistar to build nuclear powered trucks in Lisle!



Citizens for a Better Lisle Inc. today accused Navistar of planning to build nuclear powered trucks in Lisle.

“As Lisle’s newest source for investigative research,” said group spokesperson Donnie Gaulburg, “we are the first to report that Navistar plans on converting the old Lucent Technology building into an untraditional manufacturing facility!”

Navistar, which used to be known as International Harvester, manufactures commercial trucks, and military vehicles. Officially, Navistar wants to move their headquarters into Lucent’s old headquarters in Lisle, and add vehicle testing and preparation buildings. This would also include the construction of a 162,000 gallon liquid storage and waste facility.

Gaulburg claims that the facility will actually store nuclear waste.

“It’s simple. They say it can store hazardous liquids. They also say they will not use traditional manufacturing methods at the site. Nuclear waste can be a hazardous material, and building nuclear trucks require nontraditional manufacturing methods. The government allows storage of nuclear waste onsite. Therefore, the tanks will house nuclear waste.”

Most Navistar employees contacted by The Babbler laughed and hung-up the phone. One, who asked not to be identified, confirmed that Navistar is working on a nuclear powered truck.

She said, “The engine would emit no greenhouse gases, and will have a lot of horsepower! This truck could haul a full 53’ trailer across the country at 200 miles per-hour without refueling! Furthermore, it would use a fusion reactor, not fission, so it would not generate nuclear waste.”

She added, “It’ll be 50 years before we can even begin to design the reactor. Still, the engineering staff likes to dream.”

Navistar, she says, just wants to relocate their headquarters to Lisle.

When asked to comment, Lisle Mayor Joe Broda, a former International Harvester employee, seemed baffled. “I don’t know if I like all publicity you Bolingbrook reporters are giving me.”

Trustee Kim Brondyke was more blunt. “That is the craziest thing I’ve heard since a woman tried to convince me that the mayor is on the Meijer payroll. Where do you guys come up with these stories?”

During the interview, Gaulburg walked into Brondyke’s office, holding a stack of papers.

“You just got served by Lisle’s leading provider of Freedom of Information requests since 2009!” Said Gaulburg.

Brondyke examined the papers, and replied, “My grocery list is not a public document!”

“Our marketing research says our followers believe that any document written by a politician is a public document and should be covered by FOIA.”

“But that’s not what the law says.”

Gaulburg replied, “The Constitution says you have to give us anything we want, or else we have the right to immediately overthrow the Lisle government!”

“No, it doesn’t!”

“You need to work on your American history.”

“You need to work on your cardio.” Replied Brondyke. “I would suggest sprinting for about five minutes before I decide to make you the goal of my own pursuit of happiness!”

Also in The Babbler:

The Babbler remembers Pfc Michael Pearson and the other victims of the Fort Hood shooting

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Web Exclusive: British skeptic launches cyberattack against The Bolingbrook Babbler


British skeptic Sid Rodrigues launched a surprise cyberattack against The Bolingbrook Babbler on Thursday. The Babbler’s IT person fixed the affected computers after three hours.

“Damn him.” Said IT Director Lee Brental. “I had plans for tonight. Now I have to clean up stupid malware! We saved your butt in World War II, and this is how you repay us?”

According staff members, Rodrigues, a contributor to Britain’s The Skeptic Magazine and organizer of London’s Skeptics in the Pub, sent a link, via Twitter, to Babbler staff members.

Jan Thilman described the message as, “(An) IQ challenge. I’m a pretty smart person, so I decided to take his online test. So I clicked the link, along with my friends. Our computers started downloading something, and we couldn’t stop it.”

Publisher Chris Olson said the attack will not go unpunished.

Said Olson, “I guess Rebecca Watson decided to use her husband to respond to our $5 Challenge to The Skeptics Guide to the Universe!”

Rodrigues sent an e-mail claiming that he was actually the victim of a “spambot” and he had never heard of The Babbler before this incident.

He added, “Did I mention that I woke up next to Rebecca Watson today? Did I mention that I had lunch with Rebecca Watson? I didn’t send that direct message to you because I was taking a bath with Rebecca Watson. If I wanted to, I could be in bed with Rebecca Watson right now. Did you see me get married to Rebecca Watson on the Internet? There is a skeptic’s heaven, and I am in it! ”

Olson said he will consider his legal options, and urges all Babbler readers to boycott the book, An Atheist’s Guide to Christmas, which features an essay by Rodrigues.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Bolingbrook Mayor from 2044 visits present day mayor

Sources tell The Babbler that the Bolingbrook Mayor from 2044 traveled back in time to visit Mayor Roger Claar.

One source, who asked to be called David, described the future mayor’s arrival.

“I was walking towards the front door when I saw a flash of light, and a white sphere appear in the drive. I thought it was a UFO, so I yelled that they needed to park at Clow, and take the subway to Village Hall. A woman, I’d say she was in her 60s and looked kind of familiar, stepped out of the craft. The craft vanished, and she said, ‘I will be the mayor of Bolingbrook, and I demand to speak with Roger!’”

Other sources confirm that the five Men in Blue and one Man in Black, escorted the woman to a secured meeting room. The sources agreed that she correctly answered their coded messages, confirming that she access to mayoral level codes. When Mayor Claar walked into the room, the Man in Black objected, citing current regulations. The woman replied that regulations had changed in her time, and she had information about a future disaster. Claar replied that the 9/11 exemption applied.

The Man in Black recommended against speaking with the woman because there was no way to confirm the accuracy of her information. He also said that by talking to Claar, the future mayor might change the future to one that is not favorable towards her.

Both mayors angrily looked at the agent, and said, “I am the mayor of Bolingbrook, and I can do whatever I want!”

Claar then smiled and said to the woman, “I taught you well.”

Village Attorney James Boan then asked the agent to join him in another room, so they could fill out the necessary paperwork for “cross-temporal interactions.”

While The Babbler couldn’t find a complete transcript of the two hour conversation, sources did provide some details.

One sources says the future mayor told Roger that Robert Bowen, a member of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, will be elected mayor in the future.

“But thanks to the liberal recall rules they passed, we were able to hold three recall elections before his scheduled inauguration.” Said the future mayor. “When they realized we weren’t going to give up, he resigned. I think he moved to Florida along with the rest of his followers.”

She also credited CFBB for her political success, according to another source.
“Because of their districting referendum, I am able to draw up district boundaries that ensure that my trustee candidates always win. No one bothers to run against my candidates anymore. In fact, the mind-webs are filled with rumors that Bonnie was really working for you.”

“I wish that were true.” Claar allegedly replied.

“Well, I let the opposition rename the water recycling plant after her. It shut them up for a while.”

Later, some sources overheard Claar say, “But they said it was a myth!”

“You’ll find out that they’re really raising money to build private space stations. Oh, and we won’t be invited onboard.”

“Damn them!”

A village employee, who asked to be named Jenny, said she saw Claar and the future in a hallway. They looked what she thought was a camera and made silly faces. Then the future mayor disappeared. Claar sighed, and when she noticed Jenny, said, “I am going to speak with the former director of H2o and I will not be disturbed!”

Other employees claim that after the meeting, Claar started soliciting construction bids for underground shelters. He also asked the DuPage Township to increase their stock of liquor.

One claims that he overheard one of Claar’s phone conversation.

According to the source, he said, “Thanks for donation. You bid, however, is not eligible because I don’t think it’s real. Oh, and tell Glasgow I’m not amused!”

One employee claims to have seen Claar and Trustee Rick Morales discuss these actions.

“If there is a one percent chance that Bolingbrook will be hit by a hypercane, then we should be safe and build underground shelters. If there is a one percent chance that the survivors of this hypercane will need to barter for food and medicine with booze, then I will tell Bill Mayer to stock up on liquor! And if the businesses helped by my actions want to donate to my campaign fund, I will let them! I have grandchildren to think about!”

When asked to comment, Claar denied the entire story and replied, “Why can’t you guys be more like your webmaster? He wouldn’t be calling me at 2 a.m., I mean 1 a.m.. Whatever, it’s too damn early!”

When reached by The Babbler, she denied have a longer conversation with Claar or being pregnant.

“Preggers? As if! I have better things to do with my time than hang out with grody men. Like spreading the good news to the left coast about JC or catching gnarly waves like this one! Oh no, I’m wiping out for Jesus!”

Also in The Babbler:


More Chicago men consider pink a masculine color
Sources: Public Option will not cover space aliens
Navistar denies plan to store nuclear waste in Lisle
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/15/09


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Babbler to live-tweet the 10/27/09 Bolingbrook Village Trustee meeting

By Sara Langston, Editor

I’m pleased to announce that The Bolingbrook Babbler will attempt the first live-tweet of a village trustee meeting on 10/27/09. Our Twitter account is bolingbrookbabb, and we will use the tag #bbmeeting.

Our sources tell us that an ambassador from one of the largest empires in the Andromeda Galaxy will be at the meeting. This historic occasion demands that we use the latest Internet technology to bring our coverage of this historic event to our readers.

We’ve also heard that Werewolves for Bonnie is demanding to be heard at this meeting. Could this lead to the first werewolf attack against a village board since 1978? You know BCTV will cut away from any such attack, but we won’t! Because you, The Babbler reader, deserve the truth.

Now one source tells us that when Mayor Roger Claar was told of our plan, he allegedly replied, “Tweeting? There are no birds allowed in my village hall!” Don’t worry. Our reporter won’t bring any birds. If the Men in Blue don’t stop us, we’ll just bring the unbelievable truth to Twitter as it happens.

So on October 27 around 8:00 p.m. CDT, check out our twitter feed in the lefthand column, or follow bolingbrookbabb on Twitter. Join the conversation as we make Bolingbrook history.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Bolingbrook allows aliens to go trick or treating!


By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs will ease their regulations on October 31 to allow more aliens to go out trick or treating.

“We were pleased with the results last year.” Said Donald Henson, spokesperson for the department. “It promoted better relations between the alien and the human residents of Bolingbrook.”

According to Henson, there are four appearance classifications for aliens. Normally, only Class A aliens can be seen in public with a proper disguise. For Halloween, Class A and Class B aliens will be allowed in public, provided that their public appearances must be Halloween related, and they cannot reveal their true origins to the general public.

Joq Luq, a long time Clow UFO Base resident, says he enjoyed last year’s Halloween outing.

“I just went outside as myself, and it was weird.” Said Luq. “Everyone complimented my ‘costume.’ I got lots of colored sugar, and a human female acted like she wanted to mate with me. Normally, when I go outside, people scream in horror. It felt great to be loved for a change.”

Mayor Roger Claar feels it is important for the aliens to mingle with humans once a year.

“In the movies, aliens are either killers or gods.” Said Claar. “Really, they’re just sentient beings, like us. Now the world isn’t ready to know the truth about aliens, but for one day, we can give our residents a hint of the truth.”

Qat Swaq, is looking forward to this year’s outing. “I’ve heard horror stories about screaming little humans. So I plan on dressing up as one. Two of my friends will play the tortured adults who are forced to take care of me. I’ve always wanted to scream, but my culture prohibits me from speaking too loud. Now I can express my full vocal range. Thanks Roger!”

Kno Lockmo has a really scary costume in mind.

“I plan on dressing up as Bonnie and knocking on Roger’s door. I can’t wait to see the look on his face!”

All aliens must report back to Clow by 1 A.M. Any incidents between aliens and humans should be reported to the Department of Interstellar Affairs.

Also in The Babbler:

Psychic: Jay Cutler will leave Bears and win the Super Bowl with the Lions.
Aliens laugh at Windows 7
Fermi lab behind unseasonably cool weather in Chicago
Skeptical singer Geroge Hrab invades Chicago on 11/19!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/3/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Atheist Rob Sherman debates Space Pope! Web exclusive!

By Reporter X

Illinois atheist Rob Sherman and Space Pope Lacoxo MMI engaged in a heated but peaceful debate at Clow UFO base on Wednesday. A worldwide and interstellar audience watched as the two debated whether the existence of alien Christians proves the existence of God.

“Why do so many alien species have stories of a son of God who sacrificed His lives for His followers?” Asked Lacoxo. “Why are their stories so similar to Jesus’s story? It must mean that God sent His Son throughout the universe!”

Sherman offered an alternative explanation. “It’s funny how the Universal Catholic Church wasn’t formed until after the rise of Christianity on Earth. It’s almost as if they converted to Christianity after spying on medieval Europe, and then tried to retrofit every other alien religion into Christianity.”

Lacoxo counted with an example of the Christ of Lira 5.

“A friend gave Him a bath and then died a few days later. That’s the baptism. A Quagmot swallowed Him and spat him out. He skipped over the water seven time before landing feet first on the ground. That is the affirmation that He is the continuation of the laws of the Old Testament, and an example of Him walking on water! He was betrayed by 100 of his followers, which is number divisible by 1, which was the number of the follower who betrayed Jesus Christ. Though His arms were cut off, He held out His Stumps. Obviously he was trying to make the shape of the cross. How do you explain this, Mr. Sherman?”

Sherman laughed, and said that since he was given a spacecraft, which he calls, “The Flying Sherman Object,” he has investigated each “Christ” the Church recognizes.

“There’s one who did a belly flop into vat of red goo. They say that because he stretched his arms out, he was trying to form the cross, and the red goo was the blood of salvation. Another had dinner before he disappeared. They call that the Last Supper. Another cursed his mother constantly. Another was cloned, and they call that the virgin birth. There are so many alien races out there that it is no surprise that some will have myths that are similar to Christianity. It reminds me of a science fiction story I read in a humanist magazine.”

Sherman then accused Lacoxo of hypocrisy because the “Christ” of his home world forbid mountain climbing because only He should be able to look down upon the world.

“Yet you fly around the Galaxy and look down upon many world. Shouldn’t that be an affront to God?”

Lacoxo countered that the ban only applies to mountains on his home world because God created them so his “Christ” could look down upon the world. Only people on his world who attempt to climb a mountain blindfolded and without any equipment are allowed to. Mountain climbing equipment is banned on his home world.

“If God wants them to climb the mountain, then they will climb the mountain. Using rope is sinful, and leads to bondage and pleasurable sex.”

Near the end of the debate, two guest questioners were introduced via satellite. Pope Benedict XVI and Professor Richard Dawkins were introduced and they were allowed to ask each of the debaters a single question.

Pope Benedict XVI asked Lacoxo if he recognized the authority of the Catholic Church on Earth. Lacoxo replied that after reading the Pope’s writings, he decided that, “You need to be educated about the truth of Jesus. You should leave the Papacy to real Christians like myself.”

Benedict turned off his camera, and did not leave a question for Sherman.

Dawkins asked if Lacoxo the existence of space Christians is really proof of the infectious nature of the Christian Meme. Lacoxo angrily disagreed.

“Read your Earth history so-called professor! Christianity doesn’t spread by itself. It is spread by followers either teaching the word of God, or by beating nonbelievers into enlightenment!”

Dawkins then asked Sherman about his claim to be one of the top two atheists in America. Dawkins then mentioned famous American atheists, like James Randi, Hemant Mehta, and Michael Shermer. He then asked if Sherman would like to be on a reality TV show, hosted by Dawkins, to determine America’s top atheist.

Sherman chuckled, and said that he no longer wants to be America’s top atheist, but is aspiring to something higher.

“Now that I have The Sherman Flying Object, I want to travel the stars and be known as the top atheist within 10 parsecs.”

When asked why he didn’t want to be known as the top atheist in the universe or even the galaxy, he smiled.

“There is a race in this galaxy, called the Nilians, that not only don’t believe in God, they don’t even believe in their own existence. I’m not even that hardcore.”

When The Babbler tried to reach Sherman, his daughter answered the phone. She denied that her father has ever debated a space alien, and refused to believe that her father owns a space ship.

“I think you’d better hang up now, or else my dad will have one of his LONG talks with your publisher.” She said.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sources: Bolingbrook’s robotic trustees gaining sentience


Bolingbrook Trustees Leroy Brown and Ricardo (Rick) Morales stunned the village by voting against Mayor Roger Claar at the 9/8/09 Board meeting. Long believed to be robots by some observers, some staff members tell The Babbler that Claar is afraid the trustees are gaining sentience.

“I spent good money in the 1990s to build a robot factory in Bolingbrook.” A source claims Roger said. “All I wanted were robotic trustees that would always vote for my proposals. If they had personalities, that was a benefit. Now I can’t even get them to always vote for me!”

A robotic expert, who asked to be called Dave, thinks the problem is with the trustees’ German software.

“Germans take forever to make something, but what they make is very good.” Said Dave. “I’m afraid that the Germans added a learning program to the robots. It was supposed to teach the trustees how to independently determine the best way to support Roger. A drawback is that it can teach a robot how to think for itself. I hope Roger didn’t equip them with weapons, or we’ll be in serious trouble.”

Doug, who claims to be a worker at Mayor Claar’s robot factory, says the engineers are working overtime to fix the trustees.

“We totally rebuilt Leroy Brown.” Said Doug. “That why it missed the 9/22 meeting. We also added some new software to persuade it not to vote against Roger. Right now we’re working on Morales, but it put up quite a fight before we were able to shut him down.”

Doug, like many sources who spoke to The Babbler, fear that those changes might not be enough.

“The way their core software is written, they are instructed to vote for the best interests of Bolingbrook. Their other law is that Roger Claar proposals are always in the best interests of Bolingbrook. Somehow, Leroy and Rick managed to override the other law and they decided that the truck stop expansion wasn’t in the best interests of Bolingbrook. If we change their core software, we might change radically change their personalities. Then people will notice and ask too many questions.”

Claar, according to the sources, doesn’t like that answer. “I spend money on trustees that wouldn’t vote against me, and now they’re voting against me. Do you realize how much it cost me to create fake histories and fake families for them? It would have been cheaper to have sextuplets and elected them to board. Then I could legally spank them when they disobey me! As it stands, I have two robots that are making me look like a weak leader!”

The sources, however, say that Claar did see a bright side to the situation. “Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook can’t report on this because it would mess up their ‘rubber stamp’ propaganda about my trustees. The mainstream media? The Bugle is my friend, and The Sun is too distracted by their bankruptcy hearings to notice anything unusual.”

When The Babbler reached Claar, he denied the story, call it “typical Babbler nonsense that they’ve printed for the past 44 years.”

“The truth is,” said Claar, “we are all friends, and sometimes friends disagree. When we do disagree we get together and straighten things out. That’s what I’m doing right now.”

A woman in the background told Claar that some of the trustees wanted to order out from Home Plate. Claar walked away from the phone and yelled, “We are eating pepperoni pizza from Nancy’s, and if you don’t like it, you can forget about seeing a dime of my campaign fund!” Claar then walked back to the phone and continued, “Sometimes you have to remind your friends who’s in charge.”

Claar later refused to grant the trustees permission to speak to The Babbler for this story.

Also in The Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster goes into hibernation
Vampires counter-protest Take Back The Night rally
Pigs: Stop eating us or we will release H1N2!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Obama saves Earth from Martian bombs





By Reporter X


Sources with relatives working at NASA tell The Babbler that President Barack Obama saved the Earth from annihilation by Martian Colonies.

Two weeks ago, the Colonial ambassador sent an ultimatum to the world’s governments: Destroy the LCROSS probe or be destroyed! The Colonial Government said the lunar probe’s impact site was too close a colonial Earth observation station. Any damage to the station, would be considered an act of war, said the Ambassador.

“LCROSS doesn’t have self-destruct charges.” Said a source. “We were going to our own moon, not Mars. We regularly destroy billion dollar Mars probes at their request. They’ve never cared about lunar probes before.”

Because the Martian Colonies are one of the most advanced civilizations in the galaxy, experts agree that Earth has no defense against a Martian attack. So many world leaders began planning their escape.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar wasn’t one of them.

“I didn’t want to spend rest of my life as a refugee.” Said Claar. “So I said good-bye to my daughter, made my peace with God, and sent Leroy Brown to the Clow command center. I was going to make him the last surviving Bolingbrook resident as punishment for voting against me!”

Minutes before the Colonies' deadline, Obama and the ambassador announced that they had worked out a compromise. NASA would strike a different crater, and the Colonists agreed not to destroy the Earth.

“We understand that this solar system has room for two great civilizations.” Said Obama speaking at Area 51. “Do we always agree? No. Can we get along? Yes, we can.”

The Martian Colonies embassy released this statement to The Babbler: “Your previous leader was as smart as Glack Fungus. Your current leader is as smart as Cave Mold. Your civilization has made considerable progress in a matter of months.”

The world’s leaders showed their appreciation by persuading the Nobel Committee to give Obama the Peace Prize.

Not everyone was totally pleased with Obama’s success.

“I’m glad he saved my life.” Said Claar. “But before the deadline, my wife and I threw our own party. When I woke up, I had the worst hangover ever.  I wanted to impeach Obama for giving me this hangover! Because there’s no way we’ll be able to beat him in the 2012 election now!”

When The Babbler tried to reach the President, a White House spokesperson laughed at this reporter and hung up.

Also in The Babbler:

NCAA investigates Buffalo Wild Wings for game tampering
Bonnie spotted on Europa!
Psychic: No Cubs World Series this century
The Phoenix Experience: CFBB is an unacceptable alternative!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/22/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Olympic Failure: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special Report

Sources: Mayor Daley blames failed bid on inflatable stadium disaster


Sources within Chicago’s City Government tell the Babbler that Mayor Richard Daley blames a German company for Chicago losing the 2016 Olympics.

According to the sources, a German company offered to build an inflatable Olympic stadium for Chicago. Though it would have been the largest inflatable structure ever built, it would have been cheaper than building a normal stadium.

“For some reason, Daley didn’t want a permanent Olympic stadium.” Said a source. “I thought it was stupid since we’d spend money building it, and then spend money tearing it down. The German’s idea made more sense. We’d inflate the stadium for the Olympics. After the games we’d deflate it, then store it for another occasion, like a U2 Concert.”

When city officials toured a test building at a secret test site in Western Illinois, the structure collapsed. Mayor Daley and the other officials, who were in the top level VIP Skybox, were unharmed, but very angry. It was later determined that Margaret Daley snuck in a pair of high heals, and, after putting them on, ripped a hole in the floor.

Mayor Daley didn’t apologize for his wife’s actions. According to a source, he said, “She was conducting a stress test. We can’t expect women to come to this event and not wear high heals.”

When told that it would take six months to repair the building, Daley replied, “I want German quality, not German slowness! You guys made the autobahns! Why can’t you make things quickly?”

Daley, when asked to comment, told this reporter, “Why are you so mean to me? We just lost the Olympics, and now you want to ask me crazy questions? Hang up right now, or I will give your Mayor a huge donation to his campaign fund, and tell him to make sure your newsroom doesn’t have any building code violations! It worked for me against the Tribune company!”

Mayor Claar: Clow UFO Base could have made money off the games

(Reporter X) Don’t count Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar as a Republican happy about Chicago losing the Olympics.

“There are many alien Olympic fans.” Said Claar. “We could have had aliens from as far away as Andromeda coming to Bolingbrook. Just ask the administrators of Oslo UFO Center.”

According to Claar, Bolingbrook could have raised $100 Million from alien landing fees had Chicago won the games.

“We could have used that money to pay off the bonds used to fund construction of The Bolingbrook Golf Club, and paid people to move into Americana Estates.”

Experts consulted by The Babbler estimate the revenue from landing fees at closer to $10 million.

Press release condemns Obama for not going to Denmark.

Five minutes before President Barack Obama made his presentation before the Olympic Committee, The Babbler received a press release from Illinois for America First, condemning Obama for not making a presentation.

“Barack Hussein Obama doesn’t love America enough to defend her honor on foreign soil!” Read the press release. “After all we’ve done for the world, you would think they would just give us the Olympics, and we could use the revenue to pay for the war against Islamic Communist Fascists!”

When this reporter called the group, a spokesperson denied sending the release. “Everyone knows that the Olympics are un-American. Obama is wasting my money by going to some foreign country and begging for these games. It’s disgusting behavior like this that makes me want to succeed (sic) from the USA.”

When someone in the background announced that Chicago lost in the first round, several people in the background chanted what to this reporter sounded like “CSA! CSA!”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic Rebecca Watson exiled to England
Bonnie: Bolingbrook web page is playing tricks on me!
Time traveler: Fergie is not so 3008!
NFL trying to turn pink into a masculine color
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.