Sunday, December 14, 2008
Blagojevich: Drop the charges or Martians will bomb Bolingbrook!
By Reporter X
Sources with friends close to Governor Blagojevich's staff say that the Governor is calling in his favors with Martian Colonies. If the charges aren't dropped, the colonists will bomb Bolingbrook.
"Bolingbrook is the home of Clow UFO base." Said a source. "The Chicago area economy would lose billions of dollars in extraterrestrial trade if Bolingbrook is destroyed. Plus it could trigger an interstellar war. The loss of life would be staggering. Oh and the deaths of Bolingbrook's residents would be sad too."
While some question whether Blagojevich really has the clout to order the colonists to attack Bolingbrook, some fear that his statement will give them an excuse to attack Earth.
"The colonists hate Earth." Said alien expert Donald Polkowski. "The only reason we haven't been invaded is due to some very skillful diplomacy. But thanks to the act of a desperate politician, we may be doomed. They are so advanced, even our interstellar allies may not be able to stand up to them."
Phil Randal, of the State Interstellar Affairs Committee, denies that the governor has asked the Martians to attack Bolingbrook.
"Like many beings in the universe, I'm sure they are tired of hearing about Bolingbrook in the news. Governor Blagojevich has worked very hard to insure Bolingbrook's safety. If the governor is forced to step down, I hope his replacement will have the ability to reason with the Martians. It would be a shame if so many people had to die over Bolingbrook's bad press coverage."
Bolingbrook's Department of Interstellar Affairs says they are ready to evacuate the village if necessary.
"Since forced evacuations take too long, we're just going to tell people that we have a way for them to refinance their mortgages interest free. But they'll have to go to a convention center in another city, and bring their entire families. That should do the trick." Said a source. When asked about renters, the source had no comment.
When asked to reply about the threat, a source close to the State's Attorney Office said, "Lisa is prepared to file their equivalent of a lawsuit in Martian court to halt any planned attack. If they use trial by combat, then she will order Brian Urlacher to fight. We're sure he'll want to save the lives of innocent Bears fans."
The Martian Ambassador sent this statement to The Babbler:
We do not need the permission of your so-call governor to attack Earth. We can attack at any time we choose to. You live because we want you to live. Don't forget that!
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.