Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Babbler's shocking predictions for 2009

Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to get their visions for the New Year. Last year, our psychics predicted a major flood in Bolingbrook, Barack Obama's nomination, and the Cubs' stunning collapse in the playoffs.

Some so-called skeptics will say that our psychics didn't exactly predict these events. But like we said in 2007, these were our best interpretation of their visions for 2008. They did predict these events. We just had to adjust our interpretation of their visions.

So without further ado, here are the best interpretations of our psychics' visions for 2009. Just remember that the actual events might be slightly different from our interpretations. Plus, you, the reader, might be able to change the future course of history with your foreknowledge.
  • • An inch of snow will fall in the Chicago area. With city and suburban snow removal funds depleted, the snow will not be plowed. The Chicago area will fall into chaos. President Obama will be forced to call in the army to clear the roads. Southern Senators will try to stop him, saying that God never intended man to live so far north.
  • The state senate will vote to impeach Governor Rod Blagojevich. Blagojevich will order the National Guard to arrest all state legislators. The 2nd Illinois Dental detachment, the only Illinois Guard personnel not in Iraq, will make a token effort to follow Blagojevich's orders. 
  • In Bolingbrook, 10,000 people will file to run for mayor after an Internet rumor claims that candidates don't have to live in Bolingbrook to run. Only 525 candidates will be certified. 
  • The new owners of the Chicago Cubs will promise to maintain their tradition of losing. "Do you honestly think people will love the Cubs if they win?" The new president will say. "Our research shows that people will see the Cubs regardless of their record. So we're not going to waste money on so-called good players. We're going to focus on being the most loveable losers in Major League Baseball."
  • An oil field will be discovered under the Southside of Chicago. Though oil prices are at an all-time low, area churches will fight for their share of the revenue.
  • During the Bolingbrook mayoral election, a group called "Residents for Roger" will run ads suggesting that Nancy Grace is a serial killer who tries to frame her victims' family members. "Don't let Roger become one of Nancy's victims." The ads will conclude. Roger Claar will win re-election, but his famous campaign war chest will be depleted.
  • The Bears will not make it to the Super Bowl in 2009.
Also in The Babbler:
Naperville teacher denies eating babies
Church declares war on "Human Light" holiday
Garlic cures everything!
Angel smacks Downers Grove teenager

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Bolingbrook Mayor founding bank to get bailout funds

A source close to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar says that the mayor is planning to incorporate his own bank in order to protect his campaign fund.

According to Steve, Claar hopes to have bank up and running before President Bush steps down. He will use his campaign fund to pay for the bank, and then ask for federal bailout money.

"He said, 'Steve, I have to think about my family's future and Bolingbrook's future.'" Said Steve. ""I give out thousands of dollars from my fund to help out average citizens. That spurs development in Bolingbrook. I'm already a bank! I should just make it official.'"

According to the March 18, 2007 Harold News, in 2006 Claar spent $20,000 on a New Years reception, $20,000 for college scholarships, $1000 for a funeral, $3,578 for high school baseball dugouts, and $32.39 so a "citizen" could buy jumper cables.

According to Steve, Claar says donations to his campaign fund have dropped due to the economy. By incorporating his campaign fund into a bank, he feels that he can get federal bailout money, and continue to provide "community development" grants.

"He kept telling me, 'Steve, don't think of this as a bailout. Think of this as paying for democracy preservation. Will County Republicans are counting on my funds. Without me, the Cook County Democrats will overrun Will County in a matter of days. I need to get those funds in one week, or the suburbs will fall to a Cook County dictatorship!'"

Steve also said that because the Treasury won't buy Claar's "debt" through an auction, he could use the funds to pay himself a bonus, and live off that money for the rest of his life.

"But he'll save taxpayer's money by no longer taking a salary from the village." Added Steve.

Steve also says that Claar is concerned that President-elect Obama won't give him the money.

"He said that Obama is so full of vision that he can't see the importance of help a man of Roger's stature." Said Steve. "Roger wants this done before January 20th, but I think Obama could still help him. All Roger has to do is threaten to publicly reveal his bank unless Obama gives him money. The media will tear Obama up over this, even though he had nothing to do with Roger's plan. That's how Washington works now."

When asked to comment, Claar replied, "That idea sounds so crazy that it might almost work. I knew there was a reason I never shut you guys down."

The Will County Democratic party released this statement:  "We do not like this bailout, but we guess we have no choice but to bailout Roger's bank."

Also in The Babbler:
Soviet Weather Machine attacks Chicago
Chicago churches to Packers: Lose and we'll save your souls!
Obama denies offering post to David Duke
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Blagojevich: Drop the charges or Martians will bomb Bolingbrook!

By Reporter X

Sources with friends close to Governor Blagojevich's staff say that the Governor is calling in his favors with Martian Colonies. If the charges aren't dropped, the colonists will bomb Bolingbrook.

"Bolingbrook is the home of Clow UFO base." Said a source. "The Chicago area economy would lose billions of dollars in extraterrestrial trade if Bolingbrook is destroyed. Plus it could trigger an interstellar war. The loss of life would be staggering. Oh and the deaths of Bolingbrook's residents would be sad too."

While some question whether Blagojevich really has the clout to order the colonists to attack Bolingbrook, some fear that his statement will give them an excuse to attack Earth.

"The colonists hate Earth." Said alien expert Donald Polkowski. "The only reason we haven't been invaded is due to some very skillful diplomacy. But thanks to the act of a desperate politician, we may be doomed. They are so advanced, even our interstellar allies may not be able to stand up to them."

Phil Randal, of the State Interstellar Affairs Committee, denies that the governor has asked the Martians to attack Bolingbrook.

"Like many beings in the universe, I'm sure they are tired of hearing about Bolingbrook in the news. Governor Blagojevich has worked very hard to insure Bolingbrook's safety. If the governor is forced to step down, I hope his replacement will have the ability to reason with the Martians. It would be a shame if so many people had to die over Bolingbrook's bad press coverage."

Bolingbrook's Department of Interstellar Affairs says they are ready to evacuate the village if necessary.

"Since forced evacuations take too long, we're just going to tell people that we have a way for them to refinance their mortgages interest free. But they'll have to go to a convention center in another city, and bring their entire families. That should do the trick." Said a source. When asked about renters, the source had no comment.

When asked to reply about the threat, a source close to the State's Attorney Office said, "Lisa is prepared to file their equivalent of a lawsuit in Martian court to halt any planned attack. If they use trial by combat, then she will order Brian Urlacher to fight. We're sure he'll want to save the lives of innocent Bears fans."

The Martian Ambassador sent this statement to The Babbler:

We do not need the permission of your so-call governor to attack Earth. We can attack at any time we choose to. You live because we want you to live. Don't forget that!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Homeland Security questions former Bolingbrook mayor

Homeland Security officials questioned former Bolingbrook mayor Ed Rosenthal for 2 hours before releasing him.

"I was about to walk out, when someone knocked on the door." Said Rosenthal. "My daughter's dog started barking, as usual. When I came to the door, I head someone say, 'don't worry. This is the nice dog.' I figured something was off."

According to Donna Smith, spokesperson for Homeland Security, Rosenthal was questioned in regards to, "an unauthorized transition of power in Bolingbrook."

Rosenthal believes it is all a misunderstanding. "I was on the phone with a friend, and I said, as a joke, that I wondering when The Babbler would write about me staging a coup to remove Roger. I didn't realize the government was so interested in my phone conversations."

Smith explained their interest. "An individual with a not so insignificant degree of separation from him made a phone call to a city 600 miles from the Gaza Strip. It is standard procedure to monitor the calls of anyone associated with a possible foreign operative as well as those associated with the associates. And so on."

According to Rosenthal, the interview lasted for two hours. "Let me tell you, those are two hours that I will never get back. I suppose I should be thankful that I wasn't arrested. Still, what a total waste of taxpayers' time and money! Why have a coup when we can just vote him out of office?"

Smith would neither confirm nor deny if they were still investigating Rosenthal. "Ed Rosenthal is not a person of un-interest."

When asked for comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, "This just goes to show that we have to keep an eye on everyone. I'm sorry my friend was inconvenienced, but it shows the level of commitment to our security we have enjoyed under President Bush. I hope we see a similar commitment under President Obama."

For the record, The Babbler had no plans to write an article about Ed Rosenthal's alleged plans for a coup.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.