Sunday, November 2, 2008

Will County Animal Control candidate calls opponent a Christian!


Strangest race in Illinois gets ugly

Donna Elders, candidate for Will County Animal Control Officer, accused her opponent, Jeff Drakes, of being a closet Christian because he stepped into the home of a Christian.

"My opponent brags about his atheism." Said Elders in an interview with The Babbler. "But the fact that he stepped into the home of a Christian raises unsettling questions. So I want my opponent to release the transcripts of his discussion with this Christian."

Drakes replied that he is a proud atheist, and questioned Elders' commitment to atheism.

"I am a proud member of the Council for Secular Humanism." Said Drakes. "I can't help it if most Republicans are Christians. I'm only a member because I want lower taxes. OK, I want people who make more money than me to have lower taxes. I'm not a socialist!"

Drakes then attacked Elder's for being a member of the suburban chapter of the American Humanist Association.

"They say they're Humanists, but they had The Friendly Atheist speak at one of their meetings. Everyone knows that Friendly Atheism is code for copulation to Christianity. And by the way, they only recognize the first Humanist Manifesto! They don't recognize Humanist Manifesto II and Humanist Manifesto 2000. If she can't keep up with Humanist beliefs, how can we expect her to stay up to date with animal care laws?"

"Not true!" Countered Elders. "We may talk about Humanist Manifesto I a lot, but we recognize Humanist Manifesto II, and Michael Werner, a former member of our chapter, helped write Humanist Manifesto III. My opponent would rather read Paul Kurtz's ego trip than enforce real animal control laws!"

After both candidates publicly revealed their atheism, support from religious voters plummeted to near zero according the latest Babbler poll. Therefore Drakes and Elders have been fighting for Will County atheist vote.

"Unlike every other race in the country," said University of Chicago sophomore Don Pullman, "atheism is actually an asset. Who knows, maybe a hundred years from now, bring a Christian might actually be liability in a political race. So this Will County race is truly ahead of its time."

Back in August, the candidates actually talked about animal control issues. Elders ran a commercial on public access television where she called for the death penalty for animal abusers.

"If you kill a baby human in Illinois, you can get the death penalty. If you kill a kitten, you might pay a small fine and see some jail time." Said Elders in the commercial. "This needs to change." Elders then held up a bunny rabbit. "What do you think Mr. Bunny?" In a silly voice, she said for Mr. Bunny, "Kill the bad people!"

Elders, a vegan, also promised that she would make sure that shelter animals are never eaten for food, or used to make products.

Drakes responded with an ad attacking Elder's position on the death penalty.

"The government already has too much power. Instead of giving the government the power to kill animal abusers, I will use my position to hire private contractors to kill them instead."

According to the latest poll, Drakes leads Elders eight percent to six percent with 86 percent saying that won't select either one. The margin of error is plus or minus eight percent.

"This is anyone's race." Said Pullman. "If Elders can make this unnamed Christian an issue, then she wins. If Drakes can convince some non-atheists to vote for him, along with the majority of Will County's atheists, then he wins."

Elders is a member of the Green Party. The party could not be reached for comment.

Drakes considers himself a "Ron Paul" Republican. The Will County Republican Party issued a press release apologizing for nominating him.

Also in The Babbler:

Naperville teacher obsessed with baby eating
Ghost of Lincoln: I can't support either candidate!
Space mirrors heat up Chicago for Obama's Rally
Palin: It is all about me!
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/12/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Brian_E said...

That'd be just damn scary if a christian were ever elected to Will County Animal Control. I've read Leviticus, and I know what those god-fearing nutballs are capable of when it comes to animal sacrifice!