Sunday, November 9, 2008

Metaphysicists tap into Dr. Steven Novella's consciousness

Two metaphysicists at Rolling Meadow's Anti-materialism Institute claimed to have tapped into the source of Dr. Steven Novella's consciousness. The experiment is being hailed as major blow against the brain theory of consciousness.

Said Dr. Mark Franson, "Neurologists like Dr. Novella argue that the brain is the source of all thought. He even brags about it on his annoying podcast. Since I believe in a higher power, I decided to dedicate my career to proving him wrong. I just didn't expect it to only take a year to do so."

Explained Dr. Albert Miller, "We believe that all consciousness comes from another dimension, and the brain just receives the information. Kind of like how a web page server sends information to a web browser. Our brains are just metaphysical browsers!"

Because of Dr. Novella's strong belief in brain theory, Dr. Miller and Dr. Franson decided to see if they could tap into the flow of his consciousness. After a year of work, they managed to create a black box that allowed them to access Dr. Novella's consciousness "energy cloud" without harming his body.

"It was late at night." Said Dr. Franson. "I was about to fall asleep when I heard Dr. Novella say, 'what's going on? I can't see or feel anything? Is this one of your jokes Jay?' I only had enough time to take notes before we lost the transmission."

Since then they have improved the process and claim to have tapped into his consciousness five more times. They have limited their contact to no more than 1 minute per session so as not to damage Dr. Novella's sanity.

"Since we're an offshoot of the scientific tradition, we don’t want to do any harm to him." Said Dr. Miller. "He can't see or hear anything in the box. We can only hear him, but we can't communicate with him. I really want to tell him, 'Ha! We're right and you're wrong. Disprove this!'"

In a demonstration for The Babbler, a mechanical voice from the black box said, "Hello! Where am I? Bob? Are Rebecca and you playing a practical joke on me?"

The doctors hope to have their findings accepted for publication by The Discovery Institute. However, the doctors have to reconcile their findings with Christianity.

"Soul theory teaches that soul resides in the body and is the source of consciousness." Said Dr. Miller. "So we might have to reinterpret our findings to say that part of the soul resides in Heaven, and we were just getting the messages half of his soul was sending from Heaven."

Next year, Dr. Franson hopes to be able to connect with famed skeptic Rebecca Watson.

"There are many lonely skeptics who would love to date Rebecca, but she wouldn't give them the time of day. With our technology, we can allow thousands of skeptics to go on virtual dates with her. This way we will win over the skeptical community to our side."

Dr. Novella, however, is unimpressed with Dr. Franson and Dr. Miller's experiment.

"I've had dreams where I'm trapped in a dark room, but those dreams are common. There is nothing to suggest that my experience was anything more than a dream. Besides, even if the experiment is real, that still doesn't disprove the materialist theory of thought. It could very well be that they're just picking up the electrical signals generated by my brain."

When asked to comment, Dr. Miller screamed and said, "Curse Dr. Novella and his impenetrable logic!"

Also in The Babbler

Bob Barr supporters demand Illinois recount
Chicago used alien mind control devices at Obama rally
Chicago vampires prepare for winter
Ghost cat spotted in Morton Arboretum
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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