Sunday, November 16, 2008

Chicago repels UFO attack from gay-bashing aliens

By Reporter X

M.I.B. officials in Chicago confirmed that they repelled a UFO attack during Saturday's Gay Marriage rally.

"Thanks to our early warning system, we knew of the incoming attack and had sufficient time to active the Federal Plaza's defenses." Said Mr. Lee, Chicago's liaison to the Federal Government's Alien Affairs Security Division. "Not only did we repel the attack, but we also managed to keep it out of the local news."

According to Lee, the UFO came from the Barnard's Star system. The system is home to the Tri-lib Army, an interstellar terrorist organization.

Anonymous sources within city hall say that the US government told them that they confirmed that the craft was a Tri-lib ship. Not only that, but Chicago was one of 300 possible target cities

"I asked her if we should evacuate the city." Said the source. "She said, 'No, the government will handle this.' So I took the first Metra train out of town.  Hey, Bush is still President!"

The craft arrived over Chicago's Federal Plaza during a pro-gay marriage protest.

"I looked up in the sky, and I saw it!" Said Counter-protester Jim Klein. "It was a black disk and in white was the word, 'H8.' I then knew that it was a sign from God telling me it was OK to hate gays! I had my doubts but not any more. Thank you Jesus!"

According to Mr. Lee, the craft tried to fire a mind-melting ray at the crowd.

"Fortunately, we had force fields installed to protect the plaza from alien attacks."

Government security then trapped the craft in a cloaked force bubble. Invisible jets escorted the craft to Clow UFO Base. Special forces troops stormed the craft, and arrested three alien terrorists. The Babbler was unable to find out what happened to the aliens.

The Tri-lib Army released this statement:

For too long, the Milky Galaxy has tolerated Terra's duo-sex relations. This perversion undermines traditional family bond between a sperm donor, an egg donor, and a child bearer. Instead of fixing the genetic defect that prevents humans from developing a third sex, they are debating whether to recognize mono-sex relations.

We will no longer stand by while Terra slips further into perversion. Duo-sex relations have lead to countless wars, abortion, adultery, crime, pandemics, and contemporary Christian music!

Your choice is clear. Vote to abolish duo-sex marriages, as you have abolished same sex marriages, or we will abolish Terra!

Mr. Lee said that thanks to efforts of Skepchick blogger Elyse Anders, the government didn't need to brainwash the eyewitnesses. Anders refused to be interviewed for this story.

Also in The Babbler:

Psychics say no more American cars by 2009!
Unfinished Chicago skyscrapers to be converted into homeless shelters
Hypercane spotted over Lake Michigan
Bears sign Martian free agent
Secret Agent trashes Promenade 
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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