Sunday, November 30, 2008

Bolingbrook man to sue DC comics after naming daughter Jezebel Jet

Donald K. Henson thought he was honoring his daughter and his love of comics by naming his daughter after Batman's girlfriend, Jezebel Jet.

"I thought she was cool!" Said Henson. "She's a former supermodel and the leader of a country! Plus Grant Morrison created the character! He's like a god on Earth! I thought I couldn't lose!"

After signing the birth certificate naming his daughter Jezebel Jet Henson, the latest issue of Batman revealed that Jezebel Jet was really a member of the Black Hand, a secret organization dedicated to killing Batman. At the end of the issue, Batman appears to have died in a helicopter crash.

Stella Henson was not pleased.

"After I read about it in the newspaper, I screamed," Said Stella Henson. "How could he name our daughter after someone who helped kill Batman? He might as well have named our daughter Joker Bane Henson! I thought labor was painful. There's nothing more painful than realizing that your husband is an idiot!"

The next day, Henson hired a lawyer to sue DC Comics. The suit will seek $100 million dollars from DC comics to cover the cost of changing her name; potential mental anguish if anyone ever found out her name was Jezebel Jet, and any other unspecified damages the Hensons may suffer at a later date.

"I trusted DC comics!" Said Henson. "I trusted them when they killed off the Flash. I trusted them when they rebooted Superman. I trusted them when they made Hal Jordan a bad guy! How could DC comics do this to me?"

DC Comics refused to speak on the record though one anonymous employee did speak to The Babbler.

"This storyline has been nothing but trouble!" He said. "All we wanted was a story that would allow us to replace Bruce Wayne as Batman. Because Christian Bale can't play him forever, you know. Anyway, when Grant shouted, 'I'm bringing back Bat-Mite!' I knew this wasn't going to turn out well."

The Babbler reached someone who claimed to be Grant Morrison. He said he had no sympathy for the Hensons.

"What idiot would name their daughter Jezebel?" He asked. "Don't people read the Bible any more? I thought I was making it perfectly obvious she was a villain. I mean, this isn't The Invisibles. It's Batman!"

After making some bubbling sounds, he continued, "I'm sorry. I'm working on Wonder Woman right now. Oh wow! I finally get it!"

After a loud crash, he stopped replying to The Babbler's questions.

Also in The Babbler:

Turkey forgives humanity
Bears players armed with phasers
Aliens offer housing for Obama inauguration
Lisle approves mile-high skyscraper
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Sasha Obama from 2012 arrested in Bolingbrook!

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook's Men in Blue found an 11-year-old girl onboard an alien time ship claiming to be Sasha Obama, daughter of President Elect Barack Obama.

According to sources at Clow UFO Base, the girl claimed that she was from the year 2012, and she had to warn her younger self. The girl said that her 7-year-old self was about to make a major gaff that would eventually lead to her father losing the 2012 election.

"I did something stupid, and media just wouldn't let up!" Read a transcript from a source close to the Men in Blue. "I was just a little kid. Why did the media have to be so mean? I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but I ended up hurting my daddy!"

Obama wouldn't say what she did. She did say that the event occurred while she was with her mother. Michelle Obama apparently didn't realize that a reporter was watching them, and she said something that made the incident worse.

"It sounded like it sparked a media fury." Said the source. "Kind of like what happened to President Clinton in 1998. Only it lasted for four years."

The girl went on to say, that because of the media frenzy, President Obama couldn't pass any legislation through Congress, the Democrats lost the House and Senate, and Sarah Palin won the Presidential election of 2012.

"She even dressed up in Klan robes and said that she was showing her support for oppressed people." Read the transcript. "She still won the election. It was all my fault." The transcript goes on to say that she cried after saying that.

The girl then played a holographic message from a man who looked like an older version of President-elect Obama.

"No matter what the media says, Sasha, I want you to know that I love you, and you will always be my daughter." President Obama is alleged to have said.

The girl continued that this message inspired her to sneak aboard an alien time ship at Area 51, and try to change history.

Posing as a conservative blogger, this reporter was able to confirm that there are plans to exploit any gaffs by the Obama family, including his daughters' mistakes.

"It'll just be like the time Rush called Chelsea Clinton a dog." Said a '"reliable source." "Only Hannity will break the story, Rush will say he went too far. Can your blog say, 'Yes it was too much, but—' Oh, and don't worry. If the liberal media attacks you, we'll just bully them into silence."

When this reporter called a cell phone number listed in the transcript, Michelle Obama answered.

"I don't know how you got my phone number, but---Sasha, come here!"

Sasha replied, "Mom, can we get a turkey pizza for Thanksgiving?"

"No sweetie." Replied Michelle. "We promised Aunt Maya that we would have a whole turkey for Thanksgiving. We can have turkey pizza the day after Thanksgiving."

"OK." Replied Sasha.

After Michelle hung up, the source called this reporter to say that the alleged future Sasha had just vanished, and she no longer showed up on any video logs.

"It's like she never existed. Damn it! We changed the future course of history!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Chicago repels UFO attack from gay-bashing aliens

By Reporter X

M.I.B. officials in Chicago confirmed that they repelled a UFO attack during Saturday's Gay Marriage rally.

"Thanks to our early warning system, we knew of the incoming attack and had sufficient time to active the Federal Plaza's defenses." Said Mr. Lee, Chicago's liaison to the Federal Government's Alien Affairs Security Division. "Not only did we repel the attack, but we also managed to keep it out of the local news."

According to Lee, the UFO came from the Barnard's Star system. The system is home to the Tri-lib Army, an interstellar terrorist organization.

Anonymous sources within city hall say that the US government told them that they confirmed that the craft was a Tri-lib ship. Not only that, but Chicago was one of 300 possible target cities

"I asked her if we should evacuate the city." Said the source. "She said, 'No, the government will handle this.' So I took the first Metra train out of town.  Hey, Bush is still President!"

The craft arrived over Chicago's Federal Plaza during a pro-gay marriage protest.

"I looked up in the sky, and I saw it!" Said Counter-protester Jim Klein. "It was a black disk and in white was the word, 'H8.' I then knew that it was a sign from God telling me it was OK to hate gays! I had my doubts but not any more. Thank you Jesus!"

According to Mr. Lee, the craft tried to fire a mind-melting ray at the crowd.

"Fortunately, we had force fields installed to protect the plaza from alien attacks."

Government security then trapped the craft in a cloaked force bubble. Invisible jets escorted the craft to Clow UFO Base. Special forces troops stormed the craft, and arrested three alien terrorists. The Babbler was unable to find out what happened to the aliens.

The Tri-lib Army released this statement:

For too long, the Milky Galaxy has tolerated Terra's duo-sex relations. This perversion undermines traditional family bond between a sperm donor, an egg donor, and a child bearer. Instead of fixing the genetic defect that prevents humans from developing a third sex, they are debating whether to recognize mono-sex relations.

We will no longer stand by while Terra slips further into perversion. Duo-sex relations have lead to countless wars, abortion, adultery, crime, pandemics, and contemporary Christian music!

Your choice is clear. Vote to abolish duo-sex marriages, as you have abolished same sex marriages, or we will abolish Terra!

Mr. Lee said that thanks to efforts of Skepchick blogger Elyse Anders, the government didn't need to brainwash the eyewitnesses. Anders refused to be interviewed for this story.

Also in The Babbler:

Psychics say no more American cars by 2009!
Unfinished Chicago skyscrapers to be converted into homeless shelters
Hypercane spotted over Lake Michigan
Bears sign Martian free agent
Secret Agent trashes Promenade 
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Metaphysicists tap into Dr. Steven Novella's consciousness

Two metaphysicists at Rolling Meadow's Anti-materialism Institute claimed to have tapped into the source of Dr. Steven Novella's consciousness. The experiment is being hailed as major blow against the brain theory of consciousness.

Said Dr. Mark Franson, "Neurologists like Dr. Novella argue that the brain is the source of all thought. He even brags about it on his annoying podcast. Since I believe in a higher power, I decided to dedicate my career to proving him wrong. I just didn't expect it to only take a year to do so."

Explained Dr. Albert Miller, "We believe that all consciousness comes from another dimension, and the brain just receives the information. Kind of like how a web page server sends information to a web browser. Our brains are just metaphysical browsers!"

Because of Dr. Novella's strong belief in brain theory, Dr. Miller and Dr. Franson decided to see if they could tap into the flow of his consciousness. After a year of work, they managed to create a black box that allowed them to access Dr. Novella's consciousness "energy cloud" without harming his body.

"It was late at night." Said Dr. Franson. "I was about to fall asleep when I heard Dr. Novella say, 'what's going on? I can't see or feel anything? Is this one of your jokes Jay?' I only had enough time to take notes before we lost the transmission."

Since then they have improved the process and claim to have tapped into his consciousness five more times. They have limited their contact to no more than 1 minute per session so as not to damage Dr. Novella's sanity.

"Since we're an offshoot of the scientific tradition, we don’t want to do any harm to him." Said Dr. Miller. "He can't see or hear anything in the box. We can only hear him, but we can't communicate with him. I really want to tell him, 'Ha! We're right and you're wrong. Disprove this!'"

In a demonstration for The Babbler, a mechanical voice from the black box said, "Hello! Where am I? Bob? Are Rebecca and you playing a practical joke on me?"

The doctors hope to have their findings accepted for publication by The Discovery Institute. However, the doctors have to reconcile their findings with Christianity.

"Soul theory teaches that soul resides in the body and is the source of consciousness." Said Dr. Miller. "So we might have to reinterpret our findings to say that part of the soul resides in Heaven, and we were just getting the messages half of his soul was sending from Heaven."

Next year, Dr. Franson hopes to be able to connect with famed skeptic Rebecca Watson.

"There are many lonely skeptics who would love to date Rebecca, but she wouldn't give them the time of day. With our technology, we can allow thousands of skeptics to go on virtual dates with her. This way we will win over the skeptical community to our side."

Dr. Novella, however, is unimpressed with Dr. Franson and Dr. Miller's experiment.

"I've had dreams where I'm trapped in a dark room, but those dreams are common. There is nothing to suggest that my experience was anything more than a dream. Besides, even if the experiment is real, that still doesn't disprove the materialist theory of thought. It could very well be that they're just picking up the electrical signals generated by my brain."

When asked to comment, Dr. Miller screamed and said, "Curse Dr. Novella and his impenetrable logic!"

Also in The Babbler

Bob Barr supporters demand Illinois recount
Chicago used alien mind control devices at Obama rally
Chicago vampires prepare for winter
Ghost cat spotted in Morton Arboretum
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Follow-up

With 100% of the vote in, Jeff Drake wins the election for Will County Animal Control Officer.  He received 600 votes to Donna Elders' 559 votes.  The Babbler's political staff believes that Elders' negative campaign may have backfired on her.

The candidates could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Will County Animal Control candidate calls opponent a Christian!

Strangest race in Illinois gets ugly

Donna Elders, candidate for Will County Animal Control Officer, accused her opponent, Jeff Drakes, of being a closet Christian because he stepped into the home of a Christian.

"My opponent brags about his atheism." Said Elders in an interview with The Babbler. "But the fact that he stepped into the home of a Christian raises unsettling questions. So I want my opponent to release the transcripts of his discussion with this Christian."

Drakes replied that he is a proud atheist, and questioned Elders' commitment to atheism.

"I am a proud member of the Council for Secular Humanism." Said Drakes. "I can't help it if most Republicans are Christians. I'm only a member because I want lower taxes. OK, I want people who make more money than me to have lower taxes. I'm not a socialist!"

Drakes then attacked Elder's for being a member of the suburban chapter of the American Humanist Association.

"They say they're Humanists, but they had The Friendly Atheist speak at one of their meetings. Everyone knows that Friendly Atheism is code for copulation to Christianity. And by the way, they only recognize the first Humanist Manifesto! They don't recognize Humanist Manifesto II and Humanist Manifesto 2000. If she can't keep up with Humanist beliefs, how can we expect her to stay up to date with animal care laws?"

"Not true!" Countered Elders. "We may talk about Humanist Manifesto I a lot, but we recognize Humanist Manifesto II, and Michael Werner, a former member of our chapter, helped write Humanist Manifesto III. My opponent would rather read Paul Kurtz's ego trip than enforce real animal control laws!"

After both candidates publicly revealed their atheism, support from religious voters plummeted to near zero according the latest Babbler poll. Therefore Drakes and Elders have been fighting for Will County atheist vote.

"Unlike every other race in the country," said University of Chicago sophomore Don Pullman, "atheism is actually an asset. Who knows, maybe a hundred years from now, bring a Christian might actually be liability in a political race. So this Will County race is truly ahead of its time."

Back in August, the candidates actually talked about animal control issues. Elders ran a commercial on public access television where she called for the death penalty for animal abusers.

"If you kill a baby human in Illinois, you can get the death penalty. If you kill a kitten, you might pay a small fine and see some jail time." Said Elders in the commercial. "This needs to change." Elders then held up a bunny rabbit. "What do you think Mr. Bunny?" In a silly voice, she said for Mr. Bunny, "Kill the bad people!"

Elders, a vegan, also promised that she would make sure that shelter animals are never eaten for food, or used to make products.

Drakes responded with an ad attacking Elder's position on the death penalty.

"The government already has too much power. Instead of giving the government the power to kill animal abusers, I will use my position to hire private contractors to kill them instead."

According to the latest poll, Drakes leads Elders eight percent to six percent with 86 percent saying that won't select either one. The margin of error is plus or minus eight percent.

"This is anyone's race." Said Pullman. "If Elders can make this unnamed Christian an issue, then she wins. If Drakes can convince some non-atheists to vote for him, along with the majority of Will County's atheists, then he wins."

Elders is a member of the Green Party. The party could not be reached for comment.

Drakes considers himself a "Ron Paul" Republican. The Will County Republican Party issued a press release apologizing for nominating him.

Also in The Babbler:

Naperville teacher obsessed with baby eating
Ghost of Lincoln: I can't support either candidate!
Space mirrors heat up Chicago for Obama's Rally
Palin: It is all about me!
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/12/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.