Sunday, October 26, 2008

DuPage officials prepare for possible McCain/Palin loss

November 4th. DuPage County. The networks call the election for Barack Obama in an Electoral College landslide. Seconds after the announcement, DuPage's suicide hotline is flooded with calls. Residential neighborhoods light up with gunfire as residents shoot at each other's yard signs. Thirty minutes after the announcement, fires breakout in downtown Naperville as Palin supporters riot. Three hours later, Governor Blagojevich declares martial law to "preserve the ballots." Two weeks later, a National Guard commander calls for a surge of troops to restore order. The stock market plunges, as the richest county in America becomes a war zone.

DuPage county officials are working around the clock to prevent this disaster should Sen. Obama win the Presidential Election.

"To be honest, we were preparing for rioters from Cook County moving into our county following a McCain victory." Said David Wegiel, spokesperson for the DuPage government. "But now that an Obama victory is a real possibility, we've had to change our plans."

Still, Wegiel says the county will be ready in case Obama wins.

Donna Winthrop, head of DuPage's suicide prevention network, says that they will have extra phone counselors on election night.

"We expect some phone calls from McCain supporters, but we're really concerned about Republicans suffering from 'Obama guilt.' These are life-long Republicans whom for whatever reason, decided to support Obama. They may have second thoughts on Election Day, and some may feel guilty for abandoning their party." Winthrop says that their councilors are prepared for these kinds of calls.

"We'll tell them that in the past, Democrats have voted for Republicans, and that they are free to vote for whatever party they want to. Plus if they stay alive, they can work to improve the Republican Party so they can vote for them again. We also will assure them the Republican Party isn't going away, and Obama will have to deal with them eventually. Basically we'll tell them to hold on, and things will get better."

As for riots, Donald Homes of the DuPage Law Enforcement Coordination Committee, says the police will be ready.

"Our officers voted early, so on election night, we'll be keeping an eye on the neighborhoods. We'll keep an eye on strange people walking around in our neighborhoods, and if we receive reports of inappropriate voters at a voting station, we will be there in force. Oh, and make sure you've paid your parking tickets, and don't forget to show up on the first Wednesday of the month to vote!"

Naperville Mayor George Pradel told The Babbler that he has no fears about riots in Naperville, no matter who wins the election.

"Come on!" Said Pradel. "This is Naperville. We don't riot! We have an image to uphold! If McCain loses, we'll cry on election night, and then donate money to the Republicans the next day. Riots. You guys are funny. I understand why Roger hasn't shutdown your publication."

The DuPage Democratic Party could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler staff offers our condolences to Jennifer Hudson and her family
UFO ariel team performs over Illinois
Chicago entrepreneur to create HD channel for cats
Sources: Owens demands trade to The Bears!
Naperville vampires demand their own blood bank
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/4/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

We get letters

By Doug Fields, Readers' Editor

While our Internet readers seem to read our website in stunned silence, the readers of our paper edition are sending us lots of letters. It has been quite a challenge to find quality prose worthy of The Babbler's long tradition of quality writing. Even so, I am glad to see that letter writing is still alive and well. I also welcome those Internet readers who want to accept the challenge of having a letter printed in The Babbler. Any mere fool can leave a comment, but are you up to the challenge of writing a thoughtful letter?

Our first letter, I hope, was sent to us by mistake:

To The Babbler:

I am so sick of all the liberal whining the past week. So Barack Obama was arrested, and the election suspended. Didn't you read the e-mails? If anything, you should be upset that our President didn't arrest him sooner! Why did you guys nominate him in the first place? It's your fault that so many people were almost fooled into voting for a terrorist. Now we have to waste taxpayer dollars removing his name from the ballet.

Also, sure Joe Biden was a great man. But that doesn't excuse his resisting arrest. Maybe he shouldn't have been arrested, but he was associated with Barack Obama, and so the President had to arrest him, for our safety. Let this be a lesson to any liberals who resist arrest. You'll get tasered and die, just like Joe!

Finally, stop whining about WCPT's studio being bombed. It's obvious to me that they were making bombs in their studio, and one of them went off. Thank God they didn't kill innocent people!

So to all you liberals out there, I say shut up and support the only legitimate successors to President Bush: Palin/McCain!

Joe Skoposki
Chicago, IL

Either we avoided these incidents, or things are going to get very ugly in the next two weeks.

Anyway, a long time writer to The Babbler now finds herself in a trying situation.

To The Babbler:

For the past eight years, Bolingbrook Against Renters has fought to ban apartments and rental housing in Bolingbrook. Now, thanks to Bush's mismanagement, two-thirds of our members have been forced to moving into rental housing.

Now some of you would think that we would disband, or learn to appreciate renters. Well you're wrong! Our former members tell us of their unimaginable suffering. They listen to their neighbor's loud music or crying babies. They have to struggle everyday to escape the complex parking lot, and come home to a building filled with scary strangers!

While our numbers are diminished, we will continue the struggle to end renting in Chicago. This November, we plan on voting for Barack Obama and hope he will strengthen the economy so that good people can afford their own homes. This crisis will pass!

We pray that our former members will resist the temptations that lead most renters into a life of drugs, sex, and rap music! When they can rejoin the ranks of homeowners, we will welcome them back in our organization.

We may be down, but we are not out!

Marjorie J. Carter
Bolingbrook, IL

At this point, I must remind our readers that the opinions in our letters column do not reflect the beliefs of The Babbler staff.

Finally, this letter became the victim of cruel fate.

To The Babbler:

I have read your Ticked-off Ted column for years, and I love it. That man tells it like it is! He slams both liberal Democrats and liberal Republicans!

I especially liked the 10/12/08 column because he's right. There is no way Colin Powell supports Barack Hussein Obama. I can't wait for him to publicly denounce Obama! Once that happens, Palin will storm back in the polls and win the election!

Keep up the great work Ted! I can't believe you've been writing this column all by yourself for 41 years!

Joe C. Pinsker
Romeoville, IL

Also in The Babbler

Mark Cuban: Give me the Cubs or I will buy The Bears!
Boston witch doctor promises to help Cubs
9 FM fans start hunger strike
UFO lands at Downers Grove birthday party
Friendly pit bull found!
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/08!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Clow UFO Base security repels rioters

A Chicagoland Reacts to The Panic of 2008 Special Report

By Reporter X

Hundreds of Chicagoland residents rioted at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, IL last Friday as they sought to escape the global economic crisis.

Clow security officers used tear gas, sonic suppression, and area-affect Tasers to disperse the rioters. Two hundred rioters were treated for minor injuries, 12 were hospitalized, and 100 were arrested and charged with violating The Bolingbrook Riot Ordinance of 1968.

The initial gathering at Clow started peacefully as people congregated at Clow Civilian's Airport wing, and tried to find the entrance to the UFO Base. Many, like Gabriele Rushman, simply wanted to escape a possible global depression.

"I used to listen to my great-grandfather's stories about the depression. How he had to hunt for food because his family was so poor. How he had to wear the same clothes for weeks, and how he had to fight to protect what few personal items he had. (Expletive Deleted) that! I'd rather take my chances in an alien slave camp than suffer through what he went through!"

Loretta Cummings, 59, said she had no choice but to leave the Earth.

"My 401K is gone!" She cried. "And the jobs I can get on Earth won't pay enough to replace the money I lost. So I'm hoping to go to an alien world where I can make a fortune as a housekeeper. I heard that there are places in the Universe where one unit of the local currency is worth $1 million!"

Some people had other reasons for wanting to flee the Earth.

"I'm not a racist." Said Ben Gould, 22 of Downers Grove, "But there's no way I can live in a country with a black man as President! I'm getting out of here before I become an oppressed minority!"

"The signs are clear!" Said Mary Rodriguez. "First Bill Maher releases a movie saying that religious people are going to blow up the world. Then The Bad Astronomer publishes a book called 'Death from the Skies!' It's clear to me that the radical atheists are going to start a nuclear war, and then blame Christians for it! I want to escape the Earth, wait for the war to end, and then come back and wait for the real rapture!"

Around 6:30 PM, a previously hidden door opened and security forces marched out towards the crowd. Seconds after the crowd was asked to leave, several people charged the door.

"We had no choice but to disperse the rioters." Said Officer 27.

No deaths were reported, but many said Clow Security's tactics humiliated them.

"All I wanted to do was start a new life." Said an anonymous rioter. "So why did they fire some kind of sound gun at me? It hurt my ears and made me poop in my pants!"

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar told The Babbler he gave the order to use force against the rioters.

"If you think I'm going let the suburban tax base simply fly away, then you're crazy!"

In other Panic of 2008 News:

• Ten University of Chicago students from the Milton Friedman School of Economics attempted to set themselves on fire in protest of government policy. "The Republican Party is nationalizing the banks! When even the Republican Party refutes Friedman's ideas, there's no point in living." Said one of the students. Campus security prevented the students from performing the horrific act, and arrested two members of the UC Socialist Student Union who tried to give matches to protesters.
• The Village of Bolingbrook Board announced their plans to buy all local businesses. The move is designed to avoid massive closings in the village. Mayor Claar promises that the Village will get its money back. "I am Bolingbrook, and I'm not going to make a bunch of losing investments! Trust me!"
• Naperville is considering an ordinance to ban outdoor soup kitchens. "We have an image to uphold." Said an anonymous member of the City Council.

Also in The Babbler

Downers Grove satanists plan celebration for Rebecca Watson's birthday
DuPage Bomb Squad disarms atomic bomb
Conservatives from 2020 warn of Obama Presidency
Aliens fire heat ray at Chicago Marathon
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Ghost of Harry Caray kills five occultists

An attempt to summon the ghost of Cubs broadcaster ended in the deaths of five occultists.

Onyx, the seventeen-year-old sole survivor of the attempted summoning, said Harry Caray killed his friends. Onyx, whose real name has not been released by the Chicago Police, said they were just trying to help the Cubs.

"We aren't that into baseball." Said Onyx, "but we just felt so sorry for the Cubs. They are so cursed that it's no longer funny. Since our coven was dedicated to helping people, we decided to help the Cubs."

Onyx said that they felt the best way to help the Cubs win their first round playoff series was to summon the ghost of Harry Caray.

"I sort of remember him, but my parents said he was really popular. So we figured that he must have all this spiritual energy from being so popular. If we could just get him back into the living world, he could use his powers to help the Cubs. Also my brother, who has this book called Wraith, said that Harry should have low levels of angst, so he wouldn't flip out on us. I figured he knew what he was talking about."

The coven attempted to summon Caray on Wednesday behind the Cubby Bear bar. Onyx claims that Caray appeared to them a giant glowing disembodied head with glowing eyes.

Before they could talk, Caray, according to Onyx, said, "Yum! More souls!" Five beams shot from his head. The beams sucked the souls out Onyx's coven members.

"Souls taste better than Budweiser!" Caray said, according to Onyx.

Cary than stared at Onyx and said, "Tell all the Cubs fans around the world about me young man. Tell them to come to me after they die so they can become one with me and help me take over the Chicago Shadowlands! Though me, they will exist forever!"

John Gould, a Chicago resident, claims to have seen Onyx with the ghost of Caray.

"I was taking my daughter to game one of the playoffs, when I heard someone screaming. So we ran behind the Cubby Bear. It was terrible. I saw the floating head of Harry Caray, along with the bodies of five teens in robes. The robes had symbols on them, you know, like you see in those horror movies. Plus they had the Cubs logo on them. Weird. Anyway, Harry was hovering over the robed guy that was still alive. The robed guy was crying like a baby. Then Harry looked at us. He said, I'll never forget this, 'Hey little girl, I'd love to meet you after you die! I'll bet your soul will still taste sweet!' We ran away. Now my daughter is deathly afraid of the Cubs! I think we're going to become Sox fans."

Occult experts are divided over how to interpret this incident.

"The living just don't want to consider how the afterlife can change a soul." Said Mike Clarke of Downers Grove Psychics. "Sure when Harry died he was a broadcaster who loved the Cubs. This incident suggests that he's now interested in overthrowing Mayor Daley Senior's ghost political machine. This is why communication with the dead should only be facilitated through a professional psychic."

Ellen Archer, who has spoken with Chicago's ghosts for 15 years, doubts Onyx really dealt with Caray.

"Harry Caray was surrounded by so much love when he died that I know he transcended to the next level. While he still exists, he exists in the distant dimension of the afterlife. A dimension that only exceptional psychics like myself can reach. We may cost more than your average psychic, but we get results!"

Onyx is being held by the Chicago Police and will be charged with the murder of his coven members. His lawyer said Onyx is being framed in order to protect the public image of Harry Caray.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.