Sunday, September 21, 2008

Space alien booed out of Trinity United Church of Christ

Atheist alien calls Christ "a meme."

By Reporter X

Guest minister Glodoc from the Ju Dek Empire was booed off from pulpit at Trinity United Church of Christ after calling God a "non-existent being."

"I was so outraged, I wanted rip out his razor sharp teeth!" Said Donna Wilks, a member of the choir. "How could this thing not believe in our Lord? Especially since he comes from the heavens too!"

Donald Williams wasn't as upset. "Now I was angry at the alien, but then I remember that I should tolerate him in this life because I will be going to Heaven, and he will be going to Hell."

Rev. Otis Moss III invited Glodoc to speak at Trinity after a representative from Aliens for Christ told him about their speaker program.

"After getting over my shock that space aliens exist," said Moss, "I was intrigued. They were giving me a list of Christian space aliens. This seemed like a great way to reaffirm the faith of my congregation. If aliens believe in Jesus, then they should too."

Moss also found Glodoc's back-story fascinating. Glodoc is descended from dinosaurs that were abducted from what would later become Africa. Abducted to be cattle at first, they evolved intelligence and rose up to form the Ju Dek Empire.

"There were tears in my eye after I read about his race." Said Moss. "We both have roots in Africa. And if they can they could defeat racism, than so can we. My congregation needed to hear his inspiration story!"

Moss was surprised to get such quick approval from the Clow Alien Cultural Exchange Committee.

"They figured it was OK, since the media was no longer paying attention to us. One of the advantages of Barack Obama leaving our church."

When Glodoc was first introduced, the audience was shocked, but soon warmed to him.

"He looked odd," Said Thomas Klein, "but when he said his ancestors came from Africa, and that he was a Christian, I figured he was OK."

Glodoc talked about his race's long struggle to freedom, which impressed the audience. He also had words of warning.

"The Ju Dek have learned that you should never oppress those who once helped you. We were angry with the Chu Lock for raising us for food. But we learned that not all Chu Lock were evil. Some wanted to help us, and we accepted their help. When we gained our freedom, we knew better than to eat the Chu Lock, for that would make us no better than our oppressors."

Glodoc continued, "When Christ came to our planet, he came to speak to all races. There was no Ju Dek Church. There was no Chu Lock church. There was only Christ's Church!"

When Glodoc started to speak about the Black Value System, he soon lost the audience.

"You have a great value system, but why tie it to a non-existent being? It can stand on its own. In fact by tying it to—"

Before he could finish, the booing audience drowned him out. Glodoc ran off the stage, and the choir started to sing.

"I asked him what he meant by saying God didn't exist." Said Moss. "He replied that his race believes that Christ was a interstellar meme, or an idea that tries to propagate itself. Kind of like a life form. I told him about our belief in God. He seemed embarrassed, and explained that he didn't realize we were part of a primitive sect of Christianity. I kicked him out of the church myself. I now realize that I shouldn't have done that. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and maybe he needed to present His word to the Ju Dek in an atheistic way in order for them to understand Him."

When asked if the controversy could hurt the church or Obama, Moss laughed. "Oh we resolved that a long time ago. Barack left the church, I took over the church, and Reverend Wright threatened to endorse Sen. McCain unless the Republicans left us alone. This is nothing to worry about."

The Obama campaign refused to comment, though a woman was heard to say. "You know, if we had followed your grandfather's advice, we'd be members of a Unitarian Church, and we wouldn't have to deal with Trinity."

A man replied, "but I wanted to make it clear that I am a Christian."

"Look at how well that worked out." She replied.


Also in The Babbler:

Claar: I will stay mayor until the crisis is over!
Wall Street Bailout plan to include alien banks
Floods uncover prehistoric mall in Des Plaines
Chicago says no to mile-high skyscraper
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/3/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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