Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Babbler interviews Sarah Palin

From the editor: The McCain campaign granted The Bolingbrook Babbler her first print interview since becoming the Republican party's Vice-presidential nominee. In order to get this interview, we had to agree to the following conditions:

1. The interview could be terminated if she felt that our reporter was not being respectful and deferential towards her.
2. We could not ask her about her family, troopergate, the earmarks she secured as Governor and Mayor, any public policy decisions she has made as an elected official, environmental issues, any foreign policy questions, whether she thinks library books should be banned, why she spoke at the Alaska Independence Party Convention, and we could not mention any "nasty e-mails" written about her.
3. A member of the McCain staff has to be present for the interview. This person could ask a question at any time, and we were required to print the question, as well as her response.
4. After the interview, the reporter would be escorted to a cone of silence that the reporter couldn't leave until the story was completed.
5. The reporter would then turn over the story to the Palin Truth Squad for "corrections."

The McCain campaign wanted us to turn over all personal information about our reporter to all the conservative blogs, but they backed down. I believe it was because we were the only publication will to accept an interview under the first five conditions.

I am honored to present the first half of this interview on
The Babbler web site. The rest of this interview will be featured in the print edition.

Reporter X: Thank you, Governor Palin for granting us this rare interview.

Palin: You're welcome. After that nasty interview with ABC, I have been looking forward to this interview.

Handler: Why do you love America so much?

Palin: North America is blessed with abundant resources and Alaska is especially blessed with both tangible and intangible resources. We may have been the last state brought into the United States, but we appreciate all that America has given us. Everyday I'm filled with pride for my country, and respect for our constitution.

Reporter X: Is it true that your aerial wolf-hunting program was really an effort to exterminate werewolves?

Handler: You are not allowed to ask about—

Reporter X: The werewolf-hunting problem is a matter of secret government policy, not public policy.

Palin, It's OK. I'll answer this question.

Handler: Oh no, I mean OK.

Palin: Alaska has the best werewolf preservation program. However, we do have to protect our rural communities. Eighty percent of all rural deaths are caused by werewolves. That's why I expanded our aerial hunting program to include werewolves.

Reporter X: According to the Alaska Cryptozoological Society, that figure is incorrect, and as governor, you have killed off 65 percent of the state's werewolves.

Palin: I don't agree with that figure, and that's why I no longer rely on their numbers any more. We also changed the program so that in order to collect the reward, you have to turn in a severed paw. Since a dead werewolf reverts to human form, this reduces the incentive to hunt werewolves.

Reporter X: But we have documents—

Palin: I think I answered your question, and now I will defer to the other reporter.

Handler: Why does Barack Obama hate women?

Palin: I think some people who have never been possessed by the spirit of Jesus Christ try to blame others for feeling incomplete, and give into their own darker side. When Barack Obama said you can't teach an old dog new tricks, I felt hurt when he called me a dog—

Handler: Actually, he won't say that until next Thursday.

Palin: Oh, then I didn't say that.

Reporter X: But—

Palin: Are you being disrespectful? I said I think Obama wishes he hadn't accepted the Democratic nomination. Next question.

Reporter X: As you know, the United States is the Earth's main representative to the interstellar community--

Palin: Which community?

Reporter X: Space aliens. What are your qualifications for dealing with advanced alien civilizations?

Palin: Well as you know, Alaska has an incredible view of the stars, and we see a lot of UFOs every night. So I deal with aliens every day.

Reporter X: Have you ever met a space alien?

Palin: Like your Mayor Roger Claar, I was mayor of a city that is next to a thriving UFO community.

Reporter X: Delta Junction?

Palin: Yes. Like Roger Claar, I had to deal with alien issues every day.

Reporter X: But Delta Junction is 300 miles from Wasilla, AK.

Palin: Well when you're next to the largest UFO base in the country—

Reporter X: That's Area 51.

Palin: How many areas?

Reporter X: You've never heard of Area 51?

Palin: I only focus on the bases that matter. I can't keep track of every UFO base in the world, though I have heard of Plow UFO base.

Reporter X: You mean Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base?

Palin: There is a Plow UFO base, but the names don't matter. I agree with Sen. McCain that we should stand up to all states hostile towards our country.

Reporter X: Including the Mars Colonies?

Palin: Especially them. We cannot allow them to spread to the other moons and planets in our solar system. These places could be used by democracies to fuel their economies.

Reporter X: So you're willing to start a war with an intergalactic civilization that is thousands of years ahead of us, and has threatened to wipe out the human race? Do you really want to provoke them?

Palin: Why don't you ask me about drilling on Jupiter?

Also in The Babbler

Flooding forces Mayor Claar to suspend Bolingbrook's charter
Chicago casino to ban time travelers
NBA voids Bull's signing of a 10-foot-tall alien.
Dinosaur hunters terrorize Aurora
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.
Photo taken by Frank K. and used per Creative Commons 2.0.

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