Friday, September 26, 2008

Psychic Kitty dies!

Patches, the cat known to many Babbler readers as Psychic Kitty, died today after a long illness. While her vet said she died due to complications from feline leukemia, her owner, Kathy Neely, believes Patches absorbed too much negative energy from her many readings.

Patches first achieved fame when the
ghost of skeptic Perry DeAnells possessed her. After the experience, Patches gained the ability to make words appear on digital cameras. Neely, a psychic with 30 years experience, retired so she could facilitate Patches' readings. Within two months, Patches became the most popular psychic in Lisle.

"She just loved the attention!" Said Neely. "Sure she helped people, but each client made her feel special. Like she was the center of the universe. Of course she may very well have channeled power from the center of the universe."

Patches consulted with
Babbler's editor on many stories, and she was featured in a YouTube video that warned the public about She was going to have her own column, but her illness ended that effort.

As for her encounter with DeAnells, Patches said, "We didn't spend much time together, but we did share a mutual dislike for birds. Though he was more extreme about it than I was. And I'm a cat!"

Patches, who was almost 12 when she died, was found in a Canadian no-kill shelter by her grandson, David.

"David e-mailed me a picture of Patches, and I immediately sensed a psychic connect. I had to have her."

David paid for Patches and then smuggled her into the United States. David, according to Neely, feared that Patches would be sized by the Canadian Intelligence Agency because of her high psychic potential.

While Patches enjoyed giving over 20 readings a week, Neely said that each time she would absorb some of the client's negative energy. This, she said, lead to her death.

"She so enjoyed her readings, that I couldn't take them away from her. That would have been cruel. She was chosen by Perry to help others, and I couldn't deny Perry's last wish."

Neely says she prefers not to think of Patches as dead. "I think of her as performing psychic readings in another dimension." She added that she is still in contact with Patches. For a fee, she can facilitate a reading for a "special client."

An unnamed source within the Lisle government said that Mayor Joe Broda will declare Saturday as Patches day.

"Next to the Arboretum, Psychic Kitty was our biggest tourist attraction. Our village has lost an icon." Said the source.

An anonymous Skepchick blogger told The Babbler that while they mourned the loss of Patches, they had unprintable words for Neely, accusing her of exploiting DeAnells and an innocent cat for personal gain.

Instead of flowers, donations in her name should be sent to a local animal shelter.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Real Life: Princess, the cat who played Patches in the original article and in the video, will be put to sleep on Saturday. She was loved, and she will be missed.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Space alien booed out of Trinity United Church of Christ

Atheist alien calls Christ "a meme."

By Reporter X

Guest minister Glodoc from the Ju Dek Empire was booed off from pulpit at Trinity United Church of Christ after calling God a "non-existent being."

"I was so outraged, I wanted rip out his razor sharp teeth!" Said Donna Wilks, a member of the choir. "How could this thing not believe in our Lord? Especially since he comes from the heavens too!"

Donald Williams wasn't as upset. "Now I was angry at the alien, but then I remember that I should tolerate him in this life because I will be going to Heaven, and he will be going to Hell."

Rev. Otis Moss III invited Glodoc to speak at Trinity after a representative from Aliens for Christ told him about their speaker program.

"After getting over my shock that space aliens exist," said Moss, "I was intrigued. They were giving me a list of Christian space aliens. This seemed like a great way to reaffirm the faith of my congregation. If aliens believe in Jesus, then they should too."

Moss also found Glodoc's back-story fascinating. Glodoc is descended from dinosaurs that were abducted from what would later become Africa. Abducted to be cattle at first, they evolved intelligence and rose up to form the Ju Dek Empire.

"There were tears in my eye after I read about his race." Said Moss. "We both have roots in Africa. And if they can they could defeat racism, than so can we. My congregation needed to hear his inspiration story!"

Moss was surprised to get such quick approval from the Clow Alien Cultural Exchange Committee.

"They figured it was OK, since the media was no longer paying attention to us. One of the advantages of Barack Obama leaving our church."

When Glodoc was first introduced, the audience was shocked, but soon warmed to him.

"He looked odd," Said Thomas Klein, "but when he said his ancestors came from Africa, and that he was a Christian, I figured he was OK."

Glodoc talked about his race's long struggle to freedom, which impressed the audience. He also had words of warning.

"The Ju Dek have learned that you should never oppress those who once helped you. We were angry with the Chu Lock for raising us for food. But we learned that not all Chu Lock were evil. Some wanted to help us, and we accepted their help. When we gained our freedom, we knew better than to eat the Chu Lock, for that would make us no better than our oppressors."

Glodoc continued, "When Christ came to our planet, he came to speak to all races. There was no Ju Dek Church. There was no Chu Lock church. There was only Christ's Church!"

When Glodoc started to speak about the Black Value System, he soon lost the audience.

"You have a great value system, but why tie it to a non-existent being? It can stand on its own. In fact by tying it to—"

Before he could finish, the booing audience drowned him out. Glodoc ran off the stage, and the choir started to sing.

"I asked him what he meant by saying God didn't exist." Said Moss. "He replied that his race believes that Christ was a interstellar meme, or an idea that tries to propagate itself. Kind of like a life form. I told him about our belief in God. He seemed embarrassed, and explained that he didn't realize we were part of a primitive sect of Christianity. I kicked him out of the church myself. I now realize that I shouldn't have done that. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and maybe he needed to present His word to the Ju Dek in an atheistic way in order for them to understand Him."

When asked if the controversy could hurt the church or Obama, Moss laughed. "Oh we resolved that a long time ago. Barack left the church, I took over the church, and Reverend Wright threatened to endorse Sen. McCain unless the Republicans left us alone. This is nothing to worry about."

The Obama campaign refused to comment, though a woman was heard to say. "You know, if we had followed your grandfather's advice, we'd be members of a Unitarian Church, and we wouldn't have to deal with Trinity."

A man replied, "but I wanted to make it clear that I am a Christian."

"Look at how well that worked out." She replied.

Also in The Babbler:

Claar: I will stay mayor until the crisis is over!
Wall Street Bailout plan to include alien banks
Floods uncover prehistoric mall in Des Plaines
Chicago says no to mile-high skyscraper
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/3/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Babbler interviews Sarah Palin

From the editor: The McCain campaign granted The Bolingbrook Babbler her first print interview since becoming the Republican party's Vice-presidential nominee. In order to get this interview, we had to agree to the following conditions:

1. The interview could be terminated if she felt that our reporter was not being respectful and deferential towards her.
2. We could not ask her about her family, troopergate, the earmarks she secured as Governor and Mayor, any public policy decisions she has made as an elected official, environmental issues, any foreign policy questions, whether she thinks library books should be banned, why she spoke at the Alaska Independence Party Convention, and we could not mention any "nasty e-mails" written about her.
3. A member of the McCain staff has to be present for the interview. This person could ask a question at any time, and we were required to print the question, as well as her response.
4. After the interview, the reporter would be escorted to a cone of silence that the reporter couldn't leave until the story was completed.
5. The reporter would then turn over the story to the Palin Truth Squad for "corrections."

The McCain campaign wanted us to turn over all personal information about our reporter to all the conservative blogs, but they backed down. I believe it was because we were the only publication will to accept an interview under the first five conditions.

I am honored to present the first half of this interview on
The Babbler web site. The rest of this interview will be featured in the print edition.

Reporter X: Thank you, Governor Palin for granting us this rare interview.

Palin: You're welcome. After that nasty interview with ABC, I have been looking forward to this interview.

Handler: Why do you love America so much?

Palin: North America is blessed with abundant resources and Alaska is especially blessed with both tangible and intangible resources. We may have been the last state brought into the United States, but we appreciate all that America has given us. Everyday I'm filled with pride for my country, and respect for our constitution.

Reporter X: Is it true that your aerial wolf-hunting program was really an effort to exterminate werewolves?

Handler: You are not allowed to ask about—

Reporter X: The werewolf-hunting problem is a matter of secret government policy, not public policy.

Palin, It's OK. I'll answer this question.

Handler: Oh no, I mean OK.

Palin: Alaska has the best werewolf preservation program. However, we do have to protect our rural communities. Eighty percent of all rural deaths are caused by werewolves. That's why I expanded our aerial hunting program to include werewolves.

Reporter X: According to the Alaska Cryptozoological Society, that figure is incorrect, and as governor, you have killed off 65 percent of the state's werewolves.

Palin: I don't agree with that figure, and that's why I no longer rely on their numbers any more. We also changed the program so that in order to collect the reward, you have to turn in a severed paw. Since a dead werewolf reverts to human form, this reduces the incentive to hunt werewolves.

Reporter X: But we have documents—

Palin: I think I answered your question, and now I will defer to the other reporter.

Handler: Why does Barack Obama hate women?

Palin: I think some people who have never been possessed by the spirit of Jesus Christ try to blame others for feeling incomplete, and give into their own darker side. When Barack Obama said you can't teach an old dog new tricks, I felt hurt when he called me a dog—

Handler: Actually, he won't say that until next Thursday.

Palin: Oh, then I didn't say that.

Reporter X: But—

Palin: Are you being disrespectful? I said I think Obama wishes he hadn't accepted the Democratic nomination. Next question.

Reporter X: As you know, the United States is the Earth's main representative to the interstellar community--

Palin: Which community?

Reporter X: Space aliens. What are your qualifications for dealing with advanced alien civilizations?

Palin: Well as you know, Alaska has an incredible view of the stars, and we see a lot of UFOs every night. So I deal with aliens every day.

Reporter X: Have you ever met a space alien?

Palin: Like your Mayor Roger Claar, I was mayor of a city that is next to a thriving UFO community.

Reporter X: Delta Junction?

Palin: Yes. Like Roger Claar, I had to deal with alien issues every day.

Reporter X: But Delta Junction is 300 miles from Wasilla, AK.

Palin: Well when you're next to the largest UFO base in the country—

Reporter X: That's Area 51.

Palin: How many areas?

Reporter X: You've never heard of Area 51?

Palin: I only focus on the bases that matter. I can't keep track of every UFO base in the world, though I have heard of Plow UFO base.

Reporter X: You mean Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base?

Palin: There is a Plow UFO base, but the names don't matter. I agree with Sen. McCain that we should stand up to all states hostile towards our country.

Reporter X: Including the Mars Colonies?

Palin: Especially them. We cannot allow them to spread to the other moons and planets in our solar system. These places could be used by democracies to fuel their economies.

Reporter X: So you're willing to start a war with an intergalactic civilization that is thousands of years ahead of us, and has threatened to wipe out the human race? Do you really want to provoke them?

Palin: Why don't you ask me about drilling on Jupiter?

Also in The Babbler

Flooding forces Mayor Claar to suspend Bolingbrook's charter
Chicago casino to ban time travelers
NBA voids Bull's signing of a 10-foot-tall alien.
Dinosaur hunters terrorize Aurora
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.
Photo taken by Frank K. and used per Creative Commons 2.0.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Swamp Monster spotted in Bolingbrook

Is a swamp monster stalking Bolingbrook's DuPage River Greenway Bike Path? Several eyewitnesses say yes.

Mark Olson says he saw the monster while walking his dog.

"Jinks, my dog, just started barking. He normally doesn't bark. Well he doesn't bark a lot. Anyway, he started barking at this pile of grass. I told him to shut up, but he just kept barking. When I bent down to smack him, I noticed the mound move. Then I thought that it looked more like a pile of moss than a pile of grass. Before I could do anything to Jinks, that pile stood up. Jinks started to run, and followed him. I even made sure to watch my footing, because I've seen enough horror films to know what happens when you don't."

Jed Williams also saw the monster while meeting with some friends.

"Hey, I was just meeting my, um, friends. We were talking and stuff, you know. It was at night, and we wanted to see the stars. Then I heard some rustling in the bushes. I pulled out my pistol, which just had on me for protection. I told him to show himself. This thing, with twigs growing out of its body, stood up. It said something in a weird language, and approached me. I opened fire, but the bullets just went through it. I ran towards the well lit parking lot, because I know those monsters can see in the dark, and I can't."

Alicia James took the first photograph of the creature while she was riding her bike. Ironically, she was on the bike path to show her daughter there was no monster.

"I thought she was just scared of a pile of leaves. So I was going to take a picture of them, while my husband comforted her. Instead I saw this green Bigfoot strolling along the path. I pulled out my digital camera and took a few pictures. It looked scary with its glowing red eyes, and it said something in a weird kind of French. But he didn't threaten me. I thought it was kind of cool."

Because the monster sightings started shortly after the remnants of hurricane Gustav passed over Bolingbrook, Cryptozoologist Megan Stevens believes the creature is a Louisiana Swamp Monster.

"These creatures reproduce by releasing spores." She said. "So I believe the hurricane brought some of these spores all the way to Illinois. It's unusual, but not unprecedented. A hurricane once brought a swamp monster all the way to Canada. The poor thing froze to death a few weeks later."

Stevens believes that once the Parks department takes the reports seriously, they will hire her team to capture the monster and return it to Louisiana.

"I offered this creature to the University of Chicago, but they laughed me out of the building before we could discuss my fee. As far as I'm concerned, it's science's loss."

In the meantime, Stevens urges everyone to keep their distance from the monster.

"It is a very dangerous creature. Let me make this clear. It is not a misunderstood creature. It is not some kind of avatar of nature. It is not here to warn us about pollution. And it is not a friend of Native Americans. The tribes of Louisiana survived by keeping their distance from these creatures. You should too. Let the experts, like me, handle this!"

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Parks Department laughed, and hung up the phone.

Also in The Babbler:

NFL: Bears can't play Walter Payton's clone
Wheaton considering hiring Religion Enforcement Officers
COD accepts first werewolf student
Distant comet helped Bolingbrook defeat Downers Grove South 21-20.
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Boliingbrook on 9/15/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Breaking News: Bolingbrok Mayor Claar to be nominated for VP!

Friends of the family of some of the Illinois Republican Delegates say that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will be nominated for Vice-President. If true, this could be the first Republican convention floor fight in decades.

"Sure John wants to appeal to women," said Donny, whose brother's friend is part of the Illinois delegation. "But Palin has way too much baggage, and she can't shoot her way out of this mess. Roger, on the other hand, is a proven leader. Women dig strong, older men, like Roger. Right now, he's our only chance to get the PUMA vote!"

June, another friend of a delegate's relative, says that Claar is vastly more experienced than Governor Sarah Palin.

"When space terrorists attacked Bolingbrook, Roger borrowed the US's interstellar fleet, and leveled the terrorists' home world. That's true commander-in-chief experience! Palin? She has no control over the Alaskan National Guard when they're working for the government. Hell, she didn't even select the head of the Alaskan National Guard!"

June also compared Palin's foreign experience to Claar's.

"Roger deals with space aliens almost every day because Bolingbrook is home to the world's largest urban UFO base. Palin just happens to live next to Russia.  Also, Bolingbrook has more people than Alaska.  Or so I've heard."

Steve, a friend of Mayor Claar, said Claar would be open to joining McCain's ticket.

"He told me, 'Steve, I'm glad that John found his soul mate, but you don't make your soul mate your VP! You keep her hidden. Or so I've heard!'"

Though some political observers say the Stacy Peterson case could hurt Claar chances of stealing the VP nomination on Thursday, Donny disagrees.

"Well I hope Stacy is OK, but lets face it. If he was willing to keep Drew Peterson on the police force, imagine the kind of people he would hire to run Gitmo? Plus he put Illinois into play.  Besides, a floor fight would be great news for the McCain campaign!"

When asked to comment, Claar said he was going to be out of town for a while, and didn't know when he would be back.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.