Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Babbler's shocking predictions for 2009

Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to get their visions for the New Year. Last year, our psychics predicted a major flood in Bolingbrook, Barack Obama's nomination, and the Cubs' stunning collapse in the playoffs.

Some so-called skeptics will say that our psychics didn't exactly predict these events. But like we said in 2007, these were our best interpretation of their visions for 2008. They did predict these events. We just had to adjust our interpretation of their visions.

So without further ado, here are the best interpretations of our psychics' visions for 2009. Just remember that the actual events might be slightly different from our interpretations. Plus, you, the reader, might be able to change the future course of history with your foreknowledge.
  • • An inch of snow will fall in the Chicago area. With city and suburban snow removal funds depleted, the snow will not be plowed. The Chicago area will fall into chaos. President Obama will be forced to call in the army to clear the roads. Southern Senators will try to stop him, saying that God never intended man to live so far north.
  • The state senate will vote to impeach Governor Rod Blagojevich. Blagojevich will order the National Guard to arrest all state legislators. The 2nd Illinois Dental detachment, the only Illinois Guard personnel not in Iraq, will make a token effort to follow Blagojevich's orders. 
  • In Bolingbrook, 10,000 people will file to run for mayor after an Internet rumor claims that candidates don't have to live in Bolingbrook to run. Only 525 candidates will be certified. 
  • The new owners of the Chicago Cubs will promise to maintain their tradition of losing. "Do you honestly think people will love the Cubs if they win?" The new president will say. "Our research shows that people will see the Cubs regardless of their record. So we're not going to waste money on so-called good players. We're going to focus on being the most loveable losers in Major League Baseball."
  • An oil field will be discovered under the Southside of Chicago. Though oil prices are at an all-time low, area churches will fight for their share of the revenue.
  • During the Bolingbrook mayoral election, a group called "Residents for Roger" will run ads suggesting that Nancy Grace is a serial killer who tries to frame her victims' family members. "Don't let Roger become one of Nancy's victims." The ads will conclude. Roger Claar will win re-election, but his famous campaign war chest will be depleted.
  • The Bears will not make it to the Super Bowl in 2009.
Also in The Babbler:
Naperville teacher denies eating babies
Church declares war on "Human Light" holiday
Garlic cures everything!
Angel smacks Downers Grove teenager

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Bolingbrook Mayor founding bank to get bailout funds

A source close to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar says that the mayor is planning to incorporate his own bank in order to protect his campaign fund.

According to Steve, Claar hopes to have bank up and running before President Bush steps down. He will use his campaign fund to pay for the bank, and then ask for federal bailout money.

"He said, 'Steve, I have to think about my family's future and Bolingbrook's future.'" Said Steve. ""I give out thousands of dollars from my fund to help out average citizens. That spurs development in Bolingbrook. I'm already a bank! I should just make it official.'"

According to the March 18, 2007 Harold News, in 2006 Claar spent $20,000 on a New Years reception, $20,000 for college scholarships, $1000 for a funeral, $3,578 for high school baseball dugouts, and $32.39 so a "citizen" could buy jumper cables.

According to Steve, Claar says donations to his campaign fund have dropped due to the economy. By incorporating his campaign fund into a bank, he feels that he can get federal bailout money, and continue to provide "community development" grants.

"He kept telling me, 'Steve, don't think of this as a bailout. Think of this as paying for democracy preservation. Will County Republicans are counting on my funds. Without me, the Cook County Democrats will overrun Will County in a matter of days. I need to get those funds in one week, or the suburbs will fall to a Cook County dictatorship!'"

Steve also said that because the Treasury won't buy Claar's "debt" through an auction, he could use the funds to pay himself a bonus, and live off that money for the rest of his life.

"But he'll save taxpayer's money by no longer taking a salary from the village." Added Steve.

Steve also says that Claar is concerned that President-elect Obama won't give him the money.

"He said that Obama is so full of vision that he can't see the importance of help a man of Roger's stature." Said Steve. "Roger wants this done before January 20th, but I think Obama could still help him. All Roger has to do is threaten to publicly reveal his bank unless Obama gives him money. The media will tear Obama up over this, even though he had nothing to do with Roger's plan. That's how Washington works now."

When asked to comment, Claar replied, "That idea sounds so crazy that it might almost work. I knew there was a reason I never shut you guys down."

The Will County Democratic party released this statement:  "We do not like this bailout, but we guess we have no choice but to bailout Roger's bank."

Also in The Babbler:
Soviet Weather Machine attacks Chicago
Chicago churches to Packers: Lose and we'll save your souls!
Obama denies offering post to David Duke
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/31/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Blagojevich: Drop the charges or Martians will bomb Bolingbrook!

By Reporter X

Sources with friends close to Governor Blagojevich's staff say that the Governor is calling in his favors with Martian Colonies. If the charges aren't dropped, the colonists will bomb Bolingbrook.

"Bolingbrook is the home of Clow UFO base." Said a source. "The Chicago area economy would lose billions of dollars in extraterrestrial trade if Bolingbrook is destroyed. Plus it could trigger an interstellar war. The loss of life would be staggering. Oh and the deaths of Bolingbrook's residents would be sad too."

While some question whether Blagojevich really has the clout to order the colonists to attack Bolingbrook, some fear that his statement will give them an excuse to attack Earth.

"The colonists hate Earth." Said alien expert Donald Polkowski. "The only reason we haven't been invaded is due to some very skillful diplomacy. But thanks to the act of a desperate politician, we may be doomed. They are so advanced, even our interstellar allies may not be able to stand up to them."

Phil Randal, of the State Interstellar Affairs Committee, denies that the governor has asked the Martians to attack Bolingbrook.

"Like many beings in the universe, I'm sure they are tired of hearing about Bolingbrook in the news. Governor Blagojevich has worked very hard to insure Bolingbrook's safety. If the governor is forced to step down, I hope his replacement will have the ability to reason with the Martians. It would be a shame if so many people had to die over Bolingbrook's bad press coverage."

Bolingbrook's Department of Interstellar Affairs says they are ready to evacuate the village if necessary.

"Since forced evacuations take too long, we're just going to tell people that we have a way for them to refinance their mortgages interest free. But they'll have to go to a convention center in another city, and bring their entire families. That should do the trick." Said a source. When asked about renters, the source had no comment.

When asked to reply about the threat, a source close to the State's Attorney Office said, "Lisa is prepared to file their equivalent of a lawsuit in Martian court to halt any planned attack. If they use trial by combat, then she will order Brian Urlacher to fight. We're sure he'll want to save the lives of innocent Bears fans."

The Martian Ambassador sent this statement to The Babbler:

We do not need the permission of your so-call governor to attack Earth. We can attack at any time we choose to. You live because we want you to live. Don't forget that!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Homeland Security questions former Bolingbrook mayor

Homeland Security officials questioned former Bolingbrook mayor Ed Rosenthal for 2 hours before releasing him.

"I was about to walk out, when someone knocked on the door." Said Rosenthal. "My daughter's dog started barking, as usual. When I came to the door, I head someone say, 'don't worry. This is the nice dog.' I figured something was off."

According to Donna Smith, spokesperson for Homeland Security, Rosenthal was questioned in regards to, "an unauthorized transition of power in Bolingbrook."

Rosenthal believes it is all a misunderstanding. "I was on the phone with a friend, and I said, as a joke, that I wondering when The Babbler would write about me staging a coup to remove Roger. I didn't realize the government was so interested in my phone conversations."

Smith explained their interest. "An individual with a not so insignificant degree of separation from him made a phone call to a city 600 miles from the Gaza Strip. It is standard procedure to monitor the calls of anyone associated with a possible foreign operative as well as those associated with the associates. And so on."

According to Rosenthal, the interview lasted for two hours. "Let me tell you, those are two hours that I will never get back. I suppose I should be thankful that I wasn't arrested. Still, what a total waste of taxpayers' time and money! Why have a coup when we can just vote him out of office?"

Smith would neither confirm nor deny if they were still investigating Rosenthal. "Ed Rosenthal is not a person of un-interest."

When asked for comment, Mayor Roger Claar replied, "This just goes to show that we have to keep an eye on everyone. I'm sorry my friend was inconvenienced, but it shows the level of commitment to our security we have enjoyed under President Bush. I hope we see a similar commitment under President Obama."

For the record, The Babbler had no plans to write an article about Ed Rosenthal's alleged plans for a coup.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Bolingbrook man to sue DC comics after naming daughter Jezebel Jet

Donald K. Henson thought he was honoring his daughter and his love of comics by naming his daughter after Batman's girlfriend, Jezebel Jet.

"I thought she was cool!" Said Henson. "She's a former supermodel and the leader of a country! Plus Grant Morrison created the character! He's like a god on Earth! I thought I couldn't lose!"

After signing the birth certificate naming his daughter Jezebel Jet Henson, the latest issue of Batman revealed that Jezebel Jet was really a member of the Black Hand, a secret organization dedicated to killing Batman. At the end of the issue, Batman appears to have died in a helicopter crash.

Stella Henson was not pleased.

"After I read about it in the newspaper, I screamed," Said Stella Henson. "How could he name our daughter after someone who helped kill Batman? He might as well have named our daughter Joker Bane Henson! I thought labor was painful. There's nothing more painful than realizing that your husband is an idiot!"

The next day, Henson hired a lawyer to sue DC Comics. The suit will seek $100 million dollars from DC comics to cover the cost of changing her name; potential mental anguish if anyone ever found out her name was Jezebel Jet, and any other unspecified damages the Hensons may suffer at a later date.

"I trusted DC comics!" Said Henson. "I trusted them when they killed off the Flash. I trusted them when they rebooted Superman. I trusted them when they made Hal Jordan a bad guy! How could DC comics do this to me?"

DC Comics refused to speak on the record though one anonymous employee did speak to The Babbler.

"This storyline has been nothing but trouble!" He said. "All we wanted was a story that would allow us to replace Bruce Wayne as Batman. Because Christian Bale can't play him forever, you know. Anyway, when Grant shouted, 'I'm bringing back Bat-Mite!' I knew this wasn't going to turn out well."

The Babbler reached someone who claimed to be Grant Morrison. He said he had no sympathy for the Hensons.

"What idiot would name their daughter Jezebel?" He asked. "Don't people read the Bible any more? I thought I was making it perfectly obvious she was a villain. I mean, this isn't The Invisibles. It's Batman!"

After making some bubbling sounds, he continued, "I'm sorry. I'm working on Wonder Woman right now. Oh wow! I finally get it!"

After a loud crash, he stopped replying to The Babbler's questions.

Also in The Babbler:

Turkey forgives humanity
Bears players armed with phasers
Aliens offer housing for Obama inauguration
Lisle approves mile-high skyscraper
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Sasha Obama from 2012 arrested in Bolingbrook!

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook's Men in Blue found an 11-year-old girl onboard an alien time ship claiming to be Sasha Obama, daughter of President Elect Barack Obama.

According to sources at Clow UFO Base, the girl claimed that she was from the year 2012, and she had to warn her younger self. The girl said that her 7-year-old self was about to make a major gaff that would eventually lead to her father losing the 2012 election.

"I did something stupid, and media just wouldn't let up!" Read a transcript from a source close to the Men in Blue. "I was just a little kid. Why did the media have to be so mean? I wasn't trying to hurt anyone, but I ended up hurting my daddy!"

Obama wouldn't say what she did. She did say that the event occurred while she was with her mother. Michelle Obama apparently didn't realize that a reporter was watching them, and she said something that made the incident worse.

"It sounded like it sparked a media fury." Said the source. "Kind of like what happened to President Clinton in 1998. Only it lasted for four years."

The girl went on to say, that because of the media frenzy, President Obama couldn't pass any legislation through Congress, the Democrats lost the House and Senate, and Sarah Palin won the Presidential election of 2012.

"She even dressed up in Klan robes and said that she was showing her support for oppressed people." Read the transcript. "She still won the election. It was all my fault." The transcript goes on to say that she cried after saying that.

The girl then played a holographic message from a man who looked like an older version of President-elect Obama.

"No matter what the media says, Sasha, I want you to know that I love you, and you will always be my daughter." President Obama is alleged to have said.

The girl continued that this message inspired her to sneak aboard an alien time ship at Area 51, and try to change history.

Posing as a conservative blogger, this reporter was able to confirm that there are plans to exploit any gaffs by the Obama family, including his daughters' mistakes.

"It'll just be like the time Rush called Chelsea Clinton a dog." Said a '"reliable source." "Only Hannity will break the story, Rush will say he went too far. Can your blog say, 'Yes it was too much, but—' Oh, and don't worry. If the liberal media attacks you, we'll just bully them into silence."

When this reporter called a cell phone number listed in the transcript, Michelle Obama answered.

"I don't know how you got my phone number, but---Sasha, come here!"

Sasha replied, "Mom, can we get a turkey pizza for Thanksgiving?"

"No sweetie." Replied Michelle. "We promised Aunt Maya that we would have a whole turkey for Thanksgiving. We can have turkey pizza the day after Thanksgiving."

"OK." Replied Sasha.

After Michelle hung up, the source called this reporter to say that the alleged future Sasha had just vanished, and she no longer showed up on any video logs.

"It's like she never existed. Damn it! We changed the future course of history!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Chicago repels UFO attack from gay-bashing aliens

By Reporter X

M.I.B. officials in Chicago confirmed that they repelled a UFO attack during Saturday's Gay Marriage rally.

"Thanks to our early warning system, we knew of the incoming attack and had sufficient time to active the Federal Plaza's defenses." Said Mr. Lee, Chicago's liaison to the Federal Government's Alien Affairs Security Division. "Not only did we repel the attack, but we also managed to keep it out of the local news."

According to Lee, the UFO came from the Barnard's Star system. The system is home to the Tri-lib Army, an interstellar terrorist organization.

Anonymous sources within city hall say that the US government told them that they confirmed that the craft was a Tri-lib ship. Not only that, but Chicago was one of 300 possible target cities

"I asked her if we should evacuate the city." Said the source. "She said, 'No, the government will handle this.' So I took the first Metra train out of town.  Hey, Bush is still President!"

The craft arrived over Chicago's Federal Plaza during a pro-gay marriage protest.

"I looked up in the sky, and I saw it!" Said Counter-protester Jim Klein. "It was a black disk and in white was the word, 'H8.' I then knew that it was a sign from God telling me it was OK to hate gays! I had my doubts but not any more. Thank you Jesus!"

According to Mr. Lee, the craft tried to fire a mind-melting ray at the crowd.

"Fortunately, we had force fields installed to protect the plaza from alien attacks."

Government security then trapped the craft in a cloaked force bubble. Invisible jets escorted the craft to Clow UFO Base. Special forces troops stormed the craft, and arrested three alien terrorists. The Babbler was unable to find out what happened to the aliens.

The Tri-lib Army released this statement:

For too long, the Milky Galaxy has tolerated Terra's duo-sex relations. This perversion undermines traditional family bond between a sperm donor, an egg donor, and a child bearer. Instead of fixing the genetic defect that prevents humans from developing a third sex, they are debating whether to recognize mono-sex relations.

We will no longer stand by while Terra slips further into perversion. Duo-sex relations have lead to countless wars, abortion, adultery, crime, pandemics, and contemporary Christian music!

Your choice is clear. Vote to abolish duo-sex marriages, as you have abolished same sex marriages, or we will abolish Terra!

Mr. Lee said that thanks to efforts of Skepchick blogger Elyse Anders, the government didn't need to brainwash the eyewitnesses. Anders refused to be interviewed for this story.

Also in The Babbler:

Psychics say no more American cars by 2009!
Unfinished Chicago skyscrapers to be converted into homeless shelters
Hypercane spotted over Lake Michigan
Bears sign Martian free agent
Secret Agent trashes Promenade 
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/1/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Metaphysicists tap into Dr. Steven Novella's consciousness

Two metaphysicists at Rolling Meadow's Anti-materialism Institute claimed to have tapped into the source of Dr. Steven Novella's consciousness. The experiment is being hailed as major blow against the brain theory of consciousness.

Said Dr. Mark Franson, "Neurologists like Dr. Novella argue that the brain is the source of all thought. He even brags about it on his annoying podcast. Since I believe in a higher power, I decided to dedicate my career to proving him wrong. I just didn't expect it to only take a year to do so."

Explained Dr. Albert Miller, "We believe that all consciousness comes from another dimension, and the brain just receives the information. Kind of like how a web page server sends information to a web browser. Our brains are just metaphysical browsers!"

Because of Dr. Novella's strong belief in brain theory, Dr. Miller and Dr. Franson decided to see if they could tap into the flow of his consciousness. After a year of work, they managed to create a black box that allowed them to access Dr. Novella's consciousness "energy cloud" without harming his body.

"It was late at night." Said Dr. Franson. "I was about to fall asleep when I heard Dr. Novella say, 'what's going on? I can't see or feel anything? Is this one of your jokes Jay?' I only had enough time to take notes before we lost the transmission."

Since then they have improved the process and claim to have tapped into his consciousness five more times. They have limited their contact to no more than 1 minute per session so as not to damage Dr. Novella's sanity.

"Since we're an offshoot of the scientific tradition, we don’t want to do any harm to him." Said Dr. Miller. "He can't see or hear anything in the box. We can only hear him, but we can't communicate with him. I really want to tell him, 'Ha! We're right and you're wrong. Disprove this!'"

In a demonstration for The Babbler, a mechanical voice from the black box said, "Hello! Where am I? Bob? Are Rebecca and you playing a practical joke on me?"

The doctors hope to have their findings accepted for publication by The Discovery Institute. However, the doctors have to reconcile their findings with Christianity.

"Soul theory teaches that soul resides in the body and is the source of consciousness." Said Dr. Miller. "So we might have to reinterpret our findings to say that part of the soul resides in Heaven, and we were just getting the messages half of his soul was sending from Heaven."

Next year, Dr. Franson hopes to be able to connect with famed skeptic Rebecca Watson.

"There are many lonely skeptics who would love to date Rebecca, but she wouldn't give them the time of day. With our technology, we can allow thousands of skeptics to go on virtual dates with her. This way we will win over the skeptical community to our side."

Dr. Novella, however, is unimpressed with Dr. Franson and Dr. Miller's experiment.

"I've had dreams where I'm trapped in a dark room, but those dreams are common. There is nothing to suggest that my experience was anything more than a dream. Besides, even if the experiment is real, that still doesn't disprove the materialist theory of thought. It could very well be that they're just picking up the electrical signals generated by my brain."

When asked to comment, Dr. Miller screamed and said, "Curse Dr. Novella and his impenetrable logic!"

Also in The Babbler

Bob Barr supporters demand Illinois recount
Chicago used alien mind control devices at Obama rally
Chicago vampires prepare for winter
Ghost cat spotted in Morton Arboretum
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Follow-up

With 100% of the vote in, Jeff Drake wins the election for Will County Animal Control Officer.  He received 600 votes to Donna Elders' 559 votes.  The Babbler's political staff believes that Elders' negative campaign may have backfired on her.

The candidates could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Will County Animal Control candidate calls opponent a Christian!

Strangest race in Illinois gets ugly

Donna Elders, candidate for Will County Animal Control Officer, accused her opponent, Jeff Drakes, of being a closet Christian because he stepped into the home of a Christian.

"My opponent brags about his atheism." Said Elders in an interview with The Babbler. "But the fact that he stepped into the home of a Christian raises unsettling questions. So I want my opponent to release the transcripts of his discussion with this Christian."

Drakes replied that he is a proud atheist, and questioned Elders' commitment to atheism.

"I am a proud member of the Council for Secular Humanism." Said Drakes. "I can't help it if most Republicans are Christians. I'm only a member because I want lower taxes. OK, I want people who make more money than me to have lower taxes. I'm not a socialist!"

Drakes then attacked Elder's for being a member of the suburban chapter of the American Humanist Association.

"They say they're Humanists, but they had The Friendly Atheist speak at one of their meetings. Everyone knows that Friendly Atheism is code for copulation to Christianity. And by the way, they only recognize the first Humanist Manifesto! They don't recognize Humanist Manifesto II and Humanist Manifesto 2000. If she can't keep up with Humanist beliefs, how can we expect her to stay up to date with animal care laws?"

"Not true!" Countered Elders. "We may talk about Humanist Manifesto I a lot, but we recognize Humanist Manifesto II, and Michael Werner, a former member of our chapter, helped write Humanist Manifesto III. My opponent would rather read Paul Kurtz's ego trip than enforce real animal control laws!"

After both candidates publicly revealed their atheism, support from religious voters plummeted to near zero according the latest Babbler poll. Therefore Drakes and Elders have been fighting for Will County atheist vote.

"Unlike every other race in the country," said University of Chicago sophomore Don Pullman, "atheism is actually an asset. Who knows, maybe a hundred years from now, bring a Christian might actually be liability in a political race. So this Will County race is truly ahead of its time."

Back in August, the candidates actually talked about animal control issues. Elders ran a commercial on public access television where she called for the death penalty for animal abusers.

"If you kill a baby human in Illinois, you can get the death penalty. If you kill a kitten, you might pay a small fine and see some jail time." Said Elders in the commercial. "This needs to change." Elders then held up a bunny rabbit. "What do you think Mr. Bunny?" In a silly voice, she said for Mr. Bunny, "Kill the bad people!"

Elders, a vegan, also promised that she would make sure that shelter animals are never eaten for food, or used to make products.

Drakes responded with an ad attacking Elder's position on the death penalty.

"The government already has too much power. Instead of giving the government the power to kill animal abusers, I will use my position to hire private contractors to kill them instead."

According to the latest poll, Drakes leads Elders eight percent to six percent with 86 percent saying that won't select either one. The margin of error is plus or minus eight percent.

"This is anyone's race." Said Pullman. "If Elders can make this unnamed Christian an issue, then she wins. If Drakes can convince some non-atheists to vote for him, along with the majority of Will County's atheists, then he wins."

Elders is a member of the Green Party. The party could not be reached for comment.

Drakes considers himself a "Ron Paul" Republican. The Will County Republican Party issued a press release apologizing for nominating him.

Also in The Babbler:

Naperville teacher obsessed with baby eating
Ghost of Lincoln: I can't support either candidate!
Space mirrors heat up Chicago for Obama's Rally
Palin: It is all about me!
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/12/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

DuPage officials prepare for possible McCain/Palin loss

November 4th. DuPage County. The networks call the election for Barack Obama in an Electoral College landslide. Seconds after the announcement, DuPage's suicide hotline is flooded with calls. Residential neighborhoods light up with gunfire as residents shoot at each other's yard signs. Thirty minutes after the announcement, fires breakout in downtown Naperville as Palin supporters riot. Three hours later, Governor Blagojevich declares martial law to "preserve the ballots." Two weeks later, a National Guard commander calls for a surge of troops to restore order. The stock market plunges, as the richest county in America becomes a war zone.

DuPage county officials are working around the clock to prevent this disaster should Sen. Obama win the Presidential Election.

"To be honest, we were preparing for rioters from Cook County moving into our county following a McCain victory." Said David Wegiel, spokesperson for the DuPage government. "But now that an Obama victory is a real possibility, we've had to change our plans."

Still, Wegiel says the county will be ready in case Obama wins.

Donna Winthrop, head of DuPage's suicide prevention network, says that they will have extra phone counselors on election night.

"We expect some phone calls from McCain supporters, but we're really concerned about Republicans suffering from 'Obama guilt.' These are life-long Republicans whom for whatever reason, decided to support Obama. They may have second thoughts on Election Day, and some may feel guilty for abandoning their party." Winthrop says that their councilors are prepared for these kinds of calls.

"We'll tell them that in the past, Democrats have voted for Republicans, and that they are free to vote for whatever party they want to. Plus if they stay alive, they can work to improve the Republican Party so they can vote for them again. We also will assure them the Republican Party isn't going away, and Obama will have to deal with them eventually. Basically we'll tell them to hold on, and things will get better."

As for riots, Donald Homes of the DuPage Law Enforcement Coordination Committee, says the police will be ready.

"Our officers voted early, so on election night, we'll be keeping an eye on the neighborhoods. We'll keep an eye on strange people walking around in our neighborhoods, and if we receive reports of inappropriate voters at a voting station, we will be there in force. Oh, and make sure you've paid your parking tickets, and don't forget to show up on the first Wednesday of the month to vote!"

Naperville Mayor George Pradel told The Babbler that he has no fears about riots in Naperville, no matter who wins the election.

"Come on!" Said Pradel. "This is Naperville. We don't riot! We have an image to uphold! If McCain loses, we'll cry on election night, and then donate money to the Republicans the next day. Riots. You guys are funny. I understand why Roger hasn't shutdown your publication."

The DuPage Democratic Party could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler staff offers our condolences to Jennifer Hudson and her family
UFO ariel team performs over Illinois
Chicago entrepreneur to create HD channel for cats
Sources: Owens demands trade to The Bears!
Naperville vampires demand their own blood bank
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/4/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

We get letters

By Doug Fields, Readers' Editor

While our Internet readers seem to read our website in stunned silence, the readers of our paper edition are sending us lots of letters. It has been quite a challenge to find quality prose worthy of The Babbler's long tradition of quality writing. Even so, I am glad to see that letter writing is still alive and well. I also welcome those Internet readers who want to accept the challenge of having a letter printed in The Babbler. Any mere fool can leave a comment, but are you up to the challenge of writing a thoughtful letter?

Our first letter, I hope, was sent to us by mistake:

To The Babbler:

I am so sick of all the liberal whining the past week. So Barack Obama was arrested, and the election suspended. Didn't you read the e-mails? If anything, you should be upset that our President didn't arrest him sooner! Why did you guys nominate him in the first place? It's your fault that so many people were almost fooled into voting for a terrorist. Now we have to waste taxpayer dollars removing his name from the ballet.

Also, sure Joe Biden was a great man. But that doesn't excuse his resisting arrest. Maybe he shouldn't have been arrested, but he was associated with Barack Obama, and so the President had to arrest him, for our safety. Let this be a lesson to any liberals who resist arrest. You'll get tasered and die, just like Joe!

Finally, stop whining about WCPT's studio being bombed. It's obvious to me that they were making bombs in their studio, and one of them went off. Thank God they didn't kill innocent people!

So to all you liberals out there, I say shut up and support the only legitimate successors to President Bush: Palin/McCain!

Joe Skoposki
Chicago, IL

Either we avoided these incidents, or things are going to get very ugly in the next two weeks.

Anyway, a long time writer to The Babbler now finds herself in a trying situation.

To The Babbler:

For the past eight years, Bolingbrook Against Renters has fought to ban apartments and rental housing in Bolingbrook. Now, thanks to Bush's mismanagement, two-thirds of our members have been forced to moving into rental housing.

Now some of you would think that we would disband, or learn to appreciate renters. Well you're wrong! Our former members tell us of their unimaginable suffering. They listen to their neighbor's loud music or crying babies. They have to struggle everyday to escape the complex parking lot, and come home to a building filled with scary strangers!

While our numbers are diminished, we will continue the struggle to end renting in Chicago. This November, we plan on voting for Barack Obama and hope he will strengthen the economy so that good people can afford their own homes. This crisis will pass!

We pray that our former members will resist the temptations that lead most renters into a life of drugs, sex, and rap music! When they can rejoin the ranks of homeowners, we will welcome them back in our organization.

We may be down, but we are not out!

Marjorie J. Carter
Bolingbrook, IL

At this point, I must remind our readers that the opinions in our letters column do not reflect the beliefs of The Babbler staff.

Finally, this letter became the victim of cruel fate.

To The Babbler:

I have read your Ticked-off Ted column for years, and I love it. That man tells it like it is! He slams both liberal Democrats and liberal Republicans!

I especially liked the 10/12/08 column because he's right. There is no way Colin Powell supports Barack Hussein Obama. I can't wait for him to publicly denounce Obama! Once that happens, Palin will storm back in the polls and win the election!

Keep up the great work Ted! I can't believe you've been writing this column all by yourself for 41 years!

Joe C. Pinsker
Romeoville, IL

Also in The Babbler

Mark Cuban: Give me the Cubs or I will buy The Bears!
Boston witch doctor promises to help Cubs
9 FM fans start hunger strike
UFO lands at Downers Grove birthday party
Friendly pit bull found!
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/08!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Clow UFO Base security repels rioters

A Chicagoland Reacts to The Panic of 2008 Special Report

By Reporter X

Hundreds of Chicagoland residents rioted at Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, IL last Friday as they sought to escape the global economic crisis.

Clow security officers used tear gas, sonic suppression, and area-affect Tasers to disperse the rioters. Two hundred rioters were treated for minor injuries, 12 were hospitalized, and 100 were arrested and charged with violating The Bolingbrook Riot Ordinance of 1968.

The initial gathering at Clow started peacefully as people congregated at Clow Civilian's Airport wing, and tried to find the entrance to the UFO Base. Many, like Gabriele Rushman, simply wanted to escape a possible global depression.

"I used to listen to my great-grandfather's stories about the depression. How he had to hunt for food because his family was so poor. How he had to wear the same clothes for weeks, and how he had to fight to protect what few personal items he had. (Expletive Deleted) that! I'd rather take my chances in an alien slave camp than suffer through what he went through!"

Loretta Cummings, 59, said she had no choice but to leave the Earth.

"My 401K is gone!" She cried. "And the jobs I can get on Earth won't pay enough to replace the money I lost. So I'm hoping to go to an alien world where I can make a fortune as a housekeeper. I heard that there are places in the Universe where one unit of the local currency is worth $1 million!"

Some people had other reasons for wanting to flee the Earth.

"I'm not a racist." Said Ben Gould, 22 of Downers Grove, "But there's no way I can live in a country with a black man as President! I'm getting out of here before I become an oppressed minority!"

"The signs are clear!" Said Mary Rodriguez. "First Bill Maher releases a movie saying that religious people are going to blow up the world. Then The Bad Astronomer publishes a book called 'Death from the Skies!' It's clear to me that the radical atheists are going to start a nuclear war, and then blame Christians for it! I want to escape the Earth, wait for the war to end, and then come back and wait for the real rapture!"

Around 6:30 PM, a previously hidden door opened and security forces marched out towards the crowd. Seconds after the crowd was asked to leave, several people charged the door.

"We had no choice but to disperse the rioters." Said Officer 27.

No deaths were reported, but many said Clow Security's tactics humiliated them.

"All I wanted to do was start a new life." Said an anonymous rioter. "So why did they fire some kind of sound gun at me? It hurt my ears and made me poop in my pants!"

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar told The Babbler he gave the order to use force against the rioters.

"If you think I'm going let the suburban tax base simply fly away, then you're crazy!"

In other Panic of 2008 News:

• Ten University of Chicago students from the Milton Friedman School of Economics attempted to set themselves on fire in protest of government policy. "The Republican Party is nationalizing the banks! When even the Republican Party refutes Friedman's ideas, there's no point in living." Said one of the students. Campus security prevented the students from performing the horrific act, and arrested two members of the UC Socialist Student Union who tried to give matches to protesters.
• The Village of Bolingbrook Board announced their plans to buy all local businesses. The move is designed to avoid massive closings in the village. Mayor Claar promises that the Village will get its money back. "I am Bolingbrook, and I'm not going to make a bunch of losing investments! Trust me!"
• Naperville is considering an ordinance to ban outdoor soup kitchens. "We have an image to uphold." Said an anonymous member of the City Council.

Also in The Babbler

Downers Grove satanists plan celebration for Rebecca Watson's birthday
DuPage Bomb Squad disarms atomic bomb
Conservatives from 2020 warn of Obama Presidency
Aliens fire heat ray at Chicago Marathon
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Ghost of Harry Caray kills five occultists

An attempt to summon the ghost of Cubs broadcaster ended in the deaths of five occultists.

Onyx, the seventeen-year-old sole survivor of the attempted summoning, said Harry Caray killed his friends. Onyx, whose real name has not been released by the Chicago Police, said they were just trying to help the Cubs.

"We aren't that into baseball." Said Onyx, "but we just felt so sorry for the Cubs. They are so cursed that it's no longer funny. Since our coven was dedicated to helping people, we decided to help the Cubs."

Onyx said that they felt the best way to help the Cubs win their first round playoff series was to summon the ghost of Harry Caray.

"I sort of remember him, but my parents said he was really popular. So we figured that he must have all this spiritual energy from being so popular. If we could just get him back into the living world, he could use his powers to help the Cubs. Also my brother, who has this book called Wraith, said that Harry should have low levels of angst, so he wouldn't flip out on us. I figured he knew what he was talking about."

The coven attempted to summon Caray on Wednesday behind the Cubby Bear bar. Onyx claims that Caray appeared to them a giant glowing disembodied head with glowing eyes.

Before they could talk, Caray, according to Onyx, said, "Yum! More souls!" Five beams shot from his head. The beams sucked the souls out Onyx's coven members.

"Souls taste better than Budweiser!" Caray said, according to Onyx.

Cary than stared at Onyx and said, "Tell all the Cubs fans around the world about me young man. Tell them to come to me after they die so they can become one with me and help me take over the Chicago Shadowlands! Though me, they will exist forever!"

John Gould, a Chicago resident, claims to have seen Onyx with the ghost of Caray.

"I was taking my daughter to game one of the playoffs, when I heard someone screaming. So we ran behind the Cubby Bear. It was terrible. I saw the floating head of Harry Caray, along with the bodies of five teens in robes. The robes had symbols on them, you know, like you see in those horror movies. Plus they had the Cubs logo on them. Weird. Anyway, Harry was hovering over the robed guy that was still alive. The robed guy was crying like a baby. Then Harry looked at us. He said, I'll never forget this, 'Hey little girl, I'd love to meet you after you die! I'll bet your soul will still taste sweet!' We ran away. Now my daughter is deathly afraid of the Cubs! I think we're going to become Sox fans."

Occult experts are divided over how to interpret this incident.

"The living just don't want to consider how the afterlife can change a soul." Said Mike Clarke of Downers Grove Psychics. "Sure when Harry died he was a broadcaster who loved the Cubs. This incident suggests that he's now interested in overthrowing Mayor Daley Senior's ghost political machine. This is why communication with the dead should only be facilitated through a professional psychic."

Ellen Archer, who has spoken with Chicago's ghosts for 15 years, doubts Onyx really dealt with Caray.

"Harry Caray was surrounded by so much love when he died that I know he transcended to the next level. While he still exists, he exists in the distant dimension of the afterlife. A dimension that only exceptional psychics like myself can reach. We may cost more than your average psychic, but we get results!"

Onyx is being held by the Chicago Police and will be charged with the murder of his coven members. His lawyer said Onyx is being framed in order to protect the public image of Harry Caray.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Psychic Kitty dies!

Patches, the cat known to many Babbler readers as Psychic Kitty, died today after a long illness. While her vet said she died due to complications from feline leukemia, her owner, Kathy Neely, believes Patches absorbed too much negative energy from her many readings.

Patches first achieved fame when the
ghost of skeptic Perry DeAnells possessed her. After the experience, Patches gained the ability to make words appear on digital cameras. Neely, a psychic with 30 years experience, retired so she could facilitate Patches' readings. Within two months, Patches became the most popular psychic in Lisle.

"She just loved the attention!" Said Neely. "Sure she helped people, but each client made her feel special. Like she was the center of the universe. Of course she may very well have channeled power from the center of the universe."

Patches consulted with
Babbler's editor on many stories, and she was featured in a YouTube video that warned the public about She was going to have her own column, but her illness ended that effort.

As for her encounter with DeAnells, Patches said, "We didn't spend much time together, but we did share a mutual dislike for birds. Though he was more extreme about it than I was. And I'm a cat!"

Patches, who was almost 12 when she died, was found in a Canadian no-kill shelter by her grandson, David.

"David e-mailed me a picture of Patches, and I immediately sensed a psychic connect. I had to have her."

David paid for Patches and then smuggled her into the United States. David, according to Neely, feared that Patches would be sized by the Canadian Intelligence Agency because of her high psychic potential.

While Patches enjoyed giving over 20 readings a week, Neely said that each time she would absorb some of the client's negative energy. This, she said, lead to her death.

"She so enjoyed her readings, that I couldn't take them away from her. That would have been cruel. She was chosen by Perry to help others, and I couldn't deny Perry's last wish."

Neely says she prefers not to think of Patches as dead. "I think of her as performing psychic readings in another dimension." She added that she is still in contact with Patches. For a fee, she can facilitate a reading for a "special client."

An unnamed source within the Lisle government said that Mayor Joe Broda will declare Saturday as Patches day.

"Next to the Arboretum, Psychic Kitty was our biggest tourist attraction. Our village has lost an icon." Said the source.

An anonymous Skepchick blogger told The Babbler that while they mourned the loss of Patches, they had unprintable words for Neely, accusing her of exploiting DeAnells and an innocent cat for personal gain.

Instead of flowers, donations in her name should be sent to a local animal shelter.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Real Life: Princess, the cat who played Patches in the original article and in the video, will be put to sleep on Saturday. She was loved, and she will be missed.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Space alien booed out of Trinity United Church of Christ

Atheist alien calls Christ "a meme."

By Reporter X

Guest minister Glodoc from the Ju Dek Empire was booed off from pulpit at Trinity United Church of Christ after calling God a "non-existent being."

"I was so outraged, I wanted rip out his razor sharp teeth!" Said Donna Wilks, a member of the choir. "How could this thing not believe in our Lord? Especially since he comes from the heavens too!"

Donald Williams wasn't as upset. "Now I was angry at the alien, but then I remember that I should tolerate him in this life because I will be going to Heaven, and he will be going to Hell."

Rev. Otis Moss III invited Glodoc to speak at Trinity after a representative from Aliens for Christ told him about their speaker program.

"After getting over my shock that space aliens exist," said Moss, "I was intrigued. They were giving me a list of Christian space aliens. This seemed like a great way to reaffirm the faith of my congregation. If aliens believe in Jesus, then they should too."

Moss also found Glodoc's back-story fascinating. Glodoc is descended from dinosaurs that were abducted from what would later become Africa. Abducted to be cattle at first, they evolved intelligence and rose up to form the Ju Dek Empire.

"There were tears in my eye after I read about his race." Said Moss. "We both have roots in Africa. And if they can they could defeat racism, than so can we. My congregation needed to hear his inspiration story!"

Moss was surprised to get such quick approval from the Clow Alien Cultural Exchange Committee.

"They figured it was OK, since the media was no longer paying attention to us. One of the advantages of Barack Obama leaving our church."

When Glodoc was first introduced, the audience was shocked, but soon warmed to him.

"He looked odd," Said Thomas Klein, "but when he said his ancestors came from Africa, and that he was a Christian, I figured he was OK."

Glodoc talked about his race's long struggle to freedom, which impressed the audience. He also had words of warning.

"The Ju Dek have learned that you should never oppress those who once helped you. We were angry with the Chu Lock for raising us for food. But we learned that not all Chu Lock were evil. Some wanted to help us, and we accepted their help. When we gained our freedom, we knew better than to eat the Chu Lock, for that would make us no better than our oppressors."

Glodoc continued, "When Christ came to our planet, he came to speak to all races. There was no Ju Dek Church. There was no Chu Lock church. There was only Christ's Church!"

When Glodoc started to speak about the Black Value System, he soon lost the audience.

"You have a great value system, but why tie it to a non-existent being? It can stand on its own. In fact by tying it to—"

Before he could finish, the booing audience drowned him out. Glodoc ran off the stage, and the choir started to sing.

"I asked him what he meant by saying God didn't exist." Said Moss. "He replied that his race believes that Christ was a interstellar meme, or an idea that tries to propagate itself. Kind of like a life form. I told him about our belief in God. He seemed embarrassed, and explained that he didn't realize we were part of a primitive sect of Christianity. I kicked him out of the church myself. I now realize that I shouldn't have done that. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and maybe he needed to present His word to the Ju Dek in an atheistic way in order for them to understand Him."

When asked if the controversy could hurt the church or Obama, Moss laughed. "Oh we resolved that a long time ago. Barack left the church, I took over the church, and Reverend Wright threatened to endorse Sen. McCain unless the Republicans left us alone. This is nothing to worry about."

The Obama campaign refused to comment, though a woman was heard to say. "You know, if we had followed your grandfather's advice, we'd be members of a Unitarian Church, and we wouldn't have to deal with Trinity."

A man replied, "but I wanted to make it clear that I am a Christian."

"Look at how well that worked out." She replied.

Also in The Babbler:

Claar: I will stay mayor until the crisis is over!
Wall Street Bailout plan to include alien banks
Floods uncover prehistoric mall in Des Plaines
Chicago says no to mile-high skyscraper
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/3/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Babbler interviews Sarah Palin

From the editor: The McCain campaign granted The Bolingbrook Babbler her first print interview since becoming the Republican party's Vice-presidential nominee. In order to get this interview, we had to agree to the following conditions:

1. The interview could be terminated if she felt that our reporter was not being respectful and deferential towards her.
2. We could not ask her about her family, troopergate, the earmarks she secured as Governor and Mayor, any public policy decisions she has made as an elected official, environmental issues, any foreign policy questions, whether she thinks library books should be banned, why she spoke at the Alaska Independence Party Convention, and we could not mention any "nasty e-mails" written about her.
3. A member of the McCain staff has to be present for the interview. This person could ask a question at any time, and we were required to print the question, as well as her response.
4. After the interview, the reporter would be escorted to a cone of silence that the reporter couldn't leave until the story was completed.
5. The reporter would then turn over the story to the Palin Truth Squad for "corrections."

The McCain campaign wanted us to turn over all personal information about our reporter to all the conservative blogs, but they backed down. I believe it was because we were the only publication will to accept an interview under the first five conditions.

I am honored to present the first half of this interview on
The Babbler web site. The rest of this interview will be featured in the print edition.

Reporter X: Thank you, Governor Palin for granting us this rare interview.

Palin: You're welcome. After that nasty interview with ABC, I have been looking forward to this interview.

Handler: Why do you love America so much?

Palin: North America is blessed with abundant resources and Alaska is especially blessed with both tangible and intangible resources. We may have been the last state brought into the United States, but we appreciate all that America has given us. Everyday I'm filled with pride for my country, and respect for our constitution.

Reporter X: Is it true that your aerial wolf-hunting program was really an effort to exterminate werewolves?

Handler: You are not allowed to ask about—

Reporter X: The werewolf-hunting problem is a matter of secret government policy, not public policy.

Palin, It's OK. I'll answer this question.

Handler: Oh no, I mean OK.

Palin: Alaska has the best werewolf preservation program. However, we do have to protect our rural communities. Eighty percent of all rural deaths are caused by werewolves. That's why I expanded our aerial hunting program to include werewolves.

Reporter X: According to the Alaska Cryptozoological Society, that figure is incorrect, and as governor, you have killed off 65 percent of the state's werewolves.

Palin: I don't agree with that figure, and that's why I no longer rely on their numbers any more. We also changed the program so that in order to collect the reward, you have to turn in a severed paw. Since a dead werewolf reverts to human form, this reduces the incentive to hunt werewolves.

Reporter X: But we have documents—

Palin: I think I answered your question, and now I will defer to the other reporter.

Handler: Why does Barack Obama hate women?

Palin: I think some people who have never been possessed by the spirit of Jesus Christ try to blame others for feeling incomplete, and give into their own darker side. When Barack Obama said you can't teach an old dog new tricks, I felt hurt when he called me a dog—

Handler: Actually, he won't say that until next Thursday.

Palin: Oh, then I didn't say that.

Reporter X: But—

Palin: Are you being disrespectful? I said I think Obama wishes he hadn't accepted the Democratic nomination. Next question.

Reporter X: As you know, the United States is the Earth's main representative to the interstellar community--

Palin: Which community?

Reporter X: Space aliens. What are your qualifications for dealing with advanced alien civilizations?

Palin: Well as you know, Alaska has an incredible view of the stars, and we see a lot of UFOs every night. So I deal with aliens every day.

Reporter X: Have you ever met a space alien?

Palin: Like your Mayor Roger Claar, I was mayor of a city that is next to a thriving UFO community.

Reporter X: Delta Junction?

Palin: Yes. Like Roger Claar, I had to deal with alien issues every day.

Reporter X: But Delta Junction is 300 miles from Wasilla, AK.

Palin: Well when you're next to the largest UFO base in the country—

Reporter X: That's Area 51.

Palin: How many areas?

Reporter X: You've never heard of Area 51?

Palin: I only focus on the bases that matter. I can't keep track of every UFO base in the world, though I have heard of Plow UFO base.

Reporter X: You mean Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base?

Palin: There is a Plow UFO base, but the names don't matter. I agree with Sen. McCain that we should stand up to all states hostile towards our country.

Reporter X: Including the Mars Colonies?

Palin: Especially them. We cannot allow them to spread to the other moons and planets in our solar system. These places could be used by democracies to fuel their economies.

Reporter X: So you're willing to start a war with an intergalactic civilization that is thousands of years ahead of us, and has threatened to wipe out the human race? Do you really want to provoke them?

Palin: Why don't you ask me about drilling on Jupiter?

Also in The Babbler

Flooding forces Mayor Claar to suspend Bolingbrook's charter
Chicago casino to ban time travelers
NBA voids Bull's signing of a 10-foot-tall alien.
Dinosaur hunters terrorize Aurora
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.
Photo taken by Frank K. and used per Creative Commons 2.0.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Swamp Monster spotted in Bolingbrook

Is a swamp monster stalking Bolingbrook's DuPage River Greenway Bike Path? Several eyewitnesses say yes.

Mark Olson says he saw the monster while walking his dog.

"Jinks, my dog, just started barking. He normally doesn't bark. Well he doesn't bark a lot. Anyway, he started barking at this pile of grass. I told him to shut up, but he just kept barking. When I bent down to smack him, I noticed the mound move. Then I thought that it looked more like a pile of moss than a pile of grass. Before I could do anything to Jinks, that pile stood up. Jinks started to run, and followed him. I even made sure to watch my footing, because I've seen enough horror films to know what happens when you don't."

Jed Williams also saw the monster while meeting with some friends.

"Hey, I was just meeting my, um, friends. We were talking and stuff, you know. It was at night, and we wanted to see the stars. Then I heard some rustling in the bushes. I pulled out my pistol, which just had on me for protection. I told him to show himself. This thing, with twigs growing out of its body, stood up. It said something in a weird language, and approached me. I opened fire, but the bullets just went through it. I ran towards the well lit parking lot, because I know those monsters can see in the dark, and I can't."

Alicia James took the first photograph of the creature while she was riding her bike. Ironically, she was on the bike path to show her daughter there was no monster.

"I thought she was just scared of a pile of leaves. So I was going to take a picture of them, while my husband comforted her. Instead I saw this green Bigfoot strolling along the path. I pulled out my digital camera and took a few pictures. It looked scary with its glowing red eyes, and it said something in a weird kind of French. But he didn't threaten me. I thought it was kind of cool."

Because the monster sightings started shortly after the remnants of hurricane Gustav passed over Bolingbrook, Cryptozoologist Megan Stevens believes the creature is a Louisiana Swamp Monster.

"These creatures reproduce by releasing spores." She said. "So I believe the hurricane brought some of these spores all the way to Illinois. It's unusual, but not unprecedented. A hurricane once brought a swamp monster all the way to Canada. The poor thing froze to death a few weeks later."

Stevens believes that once the Parks department takes the reports seriously, they will hire her team to capture the monster and return it to Louisiana.

"I offered this creature to the University of Chicago, but they laughed me out of the building before we could discuss my fee. As far as I'm concerned, it's science's loss."

In the meantime, Stevens urges everyone to keep their distance from the monster.

"It is a very dangerous creature. Let me make this clear. It is not a misunderstood creature. It is not some kind of avatar of nature. It is not here to warn us about pollution. And it is not a friend of Native Americans. The tribes of Louisiana survived by keeping their distance from these creatures. You should too. Let the experts, like me, handle this!"

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Parks Department laughed, and hung up the phone.

Also in The Babbler:

NFL: Bears can't play Walter Payton's clone
Wheaton considering hiring Religion Enforcement Officers
COD accepts first werewolf student
Distant comet helped Bolingbrook defeat Downers Grove South 21-20.
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an Adultolescent
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite Boliingbrook on 9/15/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Breaking News: Bolingbrok Mayor Claar to be nominated for VP!

Friends of the family of some of the Illinois Republican Delegates say that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will be nominated for Vice-President. If true, this could be the first Republican convention floor fight in decades.

"Sure John wants to appeal to women," said Donny, whose brother's friend is part of the Illinois delegation. "But Palin has way too much baggage, and she can't shoot her way out of this mess. Roger, on the other hand, is a proven leader. Women dig strong, older men, like Roger. Right now, he's our only chance to get the PUMA vote!"

June, another friend of a delegate's relative, says that Claar is vastly more experienced than Governor Sarah Palin.

"When space terrorists attacked Bolingbrook, Roger borrowed the US's interstellar fleet, and leveled the terrorists' home world. That's true commander-in-chief experience! Palin? She has no control over the Alaskan National Guard when they're working for the government. Hell, she didn't even select the head of the Alaskan National Guard!"

June also compared Palin's foreign experience to Claar's.

"Roger deals with space aliens almost every day because Bolingbrook is home to the world's largest urban UFO base. Palin just happens to live next to Russia.  Also, Bolingbrook has more people than Alaska.  Or so I've heard."

Steve, a friend of Mayor Claar, said Claar would be open to joining McCain's ticket.

"He told me, 'Steve, I'm glad that John found his soul mate, but you don't make your soul mate your VP! You keep her hidden. Or so I've heard!'"

Though some political observers say the Stacy Peterson case could hurt Claar chances of stealing the VP nomination on Thursday, Donny disagrees.

"Well I hope Stacy is OK, but lets face it. If he was willing to keep Drew Peterson on the police force, imagine the kind of people he would hire to run Gitmo? Plus he put Illinois into play.  Besides, a floor fight would be great news for the McCain campaign!"

When asked to comment, Claar said he was going to be out of town for a while, and didn't know when he would be back.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Flying cats invade the Western Suburbs

Experts fear latest Chinese invader could wipe out local bird population

After three weeks of sightings, anonymous DuPage and Will county employees finally confirmed the presence of Chinese flying cats in the area.

"These Chinese invaders could wipe out our song bird population!" Said an employee who asked to be called Joe. "Now there's no place a bird can hide from one of these monsters."

The first sighting was at Lisle's Four Lakes complex.

Tenton was walking by The Towers apartments when something fell on his head.

"It was this disgusting mess. At first I thought some hurled one me. But on top of my head, I felt this big ball fur. I looked up, and I swear, I saw this big pair of wings, like a big bird, but it had four legs! What kind of bird has four legs?"

Sheila Daniels of
Bolingbrook reported a horrific attack two days later. "I was watching my pretty birds in the birdbath, when a gang of cats with wings swooped down on them. My birdies didn't stand a chance! They couldn't fly away from the cat's sharp teeth and claws! It was horrible. I can't talk about it anymore!"

Donna Thompson reported a flying cat assaulting her cat.

"I heard Natty yowling, and ran outside. This 15-pound cat with wings was trying to mate with her. She was trying to run away, but it was too fast, and it could fly. Somehow I managed to scare it off. Then I rushed Natty to the vet. She's OK. I'm glad I had her fixed, and gave her all of her shots. Now Natty is going to be an indoor only cat. Right now she's
hiding under the stairs, and won't leave. Poor baby!"

The Chinese Flying Cat, first reported in the 19th century, normally lives in Western China. This very rare creature wasn't photographed until August of this year. In China, dragons prey upon flying cats, thus keeping their numbers low. China's heavy pollution also contributes to the species' meager numbers.

With no dragons in the US, and our high air quality, experts fear that that the flying cat population could explode. This could result in the extermination of the songbird population. They also threaten the local rodent population, and some scientists fear the worst.

"They could start eating ground cats and dogs if they deplete their normal sources of food." Said Dr. Norm
Sawnson. "Then they'll move on to people. We could be looking at a swarm of flying cats that's as bad as locusts. We have to act now before Chicago turns into a scene from a Sci-Fi Channel movie!"

Sources close to Governor
Blagojevich say he is planning to mobilize the National Guard against this threat. His options, they say, include fire bombing the skies over Chicago.

"He doesn't want flying cats in Illinois, and he will do anything to stop them." Said a source. "His response to this plague will make his relations with the state legislature seem cordial!"

Chu Li, a trade representative for China, denies that the flying cats are from China.

"It's just a coincidence that cats in the US learned to fly and that a beetle decided to look like the Asian Longhorn Beetle. This is just anti-Chinese propaganda written by American jealous of our successful Olympics. If you don't end this interview, I will report you to your Department of Homeland Security."

Until the threat is over, residents are urged to pour orange juice on their lawns to repel flying cats, because they hate the smell of citrus. If you see a flying cat in your yard, spray it with water if possible. Do not leave catnip outside. Finally, all normal cats should be kept inside at all times to prevent them from being accidentally attacked by the National Guard.

Also in this week's Bolingbrook Babbler

Claar: I should be McCain's VP!
Giant Fungus threatens Lisle's water supply
Downers Grove dog is a human whisperer
UFO makes emergency landing at Midway
Ask Sheila
Bolingbrook in the Bible
Confessions of an
Ticked-off Ted
God to smite
Bolingbrook on 9/14/08

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.